Tag Archive | harsh inner critic

SELF-GASLIGHTING

May9

Self-gaslighting is a phenomenon in which individuals manipulate their own thoughts and feelings, causing them to doubt their own perception of reality. This internal process leads to a relentless questioning of one’s thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and intuition, often resulting in self-doubt and self-criticism. Those who engage in self-gaslighting may heavily rely on external validation or feedback from others to gauge their worth and make decisions. It is important to distinguish self-gaslighting from gaslighting, the later involves another person manipulating someone’s perception of reality to the extent that they begin questioning their own sanity and memory.

Why does it come to self-gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting is a trauma response that occurs due to abusive relationships. Often, individuals who have been gaslighted by a parent or partner find themselves engaging in self-gaslighting. I have also witnessed self-gaslighting in clients who experienced neglect during their childhood. It is during these situations that individuals start convincing themselves that they don’t require anything or that having wants is somehow wrong. When someone constantly disregards your needs and desires, it can lead to the development of defense mechanisms as a means of survival in abusive circumstances. Through my observations, I have identified several defense mechanisms commonly associated with self-gaslighting:

  • Minimization is a defense mechanism where individuals undermine or diminish the significance or importance of their own thoughts, feelings, or actions. It often manifests in phrases such as “It’s not that bad” or “I’ve seen others in worse relationships.”
  • People-pleasing (fawn respond) refers to the tendency of individuals to prioritize the desires and preferences of others over their own needs and wants. This behavioral trait is often rooted in the strong desire to be liked or accepted, as well as going to great lengths to avoid upsetting others or causing any form of disagreement. They may find themselves constantly seeking validation and approval from those around them, going as far as sacrificing their own well-being and personal boundaries in the process.
  • Denial is a defense mechanism employed to shield oneself from confronting painful or distressing thoughts, emotions, or realities. It manifests as the rejection of the existence of a specific situation, event, or truth, typically with the aim of preserving one’s self-image or evading emotional discomfort.
  • Rationalization is a defense mechanism where individuals justify or explain their or others thoughts, feelings, or behaviors in a manner that alleviates discomfort or conflict. This defense mechanism involves coming up with different reasons or excuses for one’s actions or beliefs. For instance, he behaves this way because he had an abusive childhood.

What are we protecting ourselves from?
Self-gaslighting serves as a way to shield ourselves from the pain we carry within. It often stems from a deep desire to be accepted or, conversely, a fear of rejection. This fear of rejection may originate from experiences of frequent rejection during childhood. Whether it was directed at our emotions, our thought processes, or even our very presence, we may have felt unwanted and burdensome to our parents. Consequently, we develop defense mechanisms as a temporary means of protecting ourselves from potential rejection. Paradoxically, these defense mechanisms can manifest as self-rejection, as we deny our own feelings, thoughts, desires, and instincts.
What lies beneath this fear of rejection? The fear of being rejected can stem from a fundamental belief that we are not good enough and that we do not deserve better.

Also, in self-gaslighting there are two sides
In this article, I am focusing on individuals who find themselves in abusive relationships and subsequently resort to self-gaslighting. However, it is important to note that the abusers themselves can also engage in self-gaslighting. We convince ourselves that our abusive behaviors are not our fault, placing the blame on the other person. Our energy becomes centered on criticizing and correcting our partner. We justify our abusive actions by finding excuses or attributing them to external factors, such as saying, “Well, if he hadn’t forgotten to call me, I wouldn’t have lost control.” In essence, we shift responsibility onto the other person, downplay our negative actions, or make justifications- using the same defense mechanisms mentioned above.

Signs of self-gaslighting
Second-guessing your feelings involves downplaying or doubting your own emotions. It often manifests in self-talk such as “I’m too sensitive,” “I’m being overly dramatic,” or “I must be crazy for feeling this way, everyone else sees things differently.” You invalidate your own emotions and convince yourself that your feelings are not valid or justified. By comparing your reactions to others and assuming that their perspective is the “correct” one, you undermine your own emotional experiences.

Rationalizing toxic behavior involves making excuses for someone’s harmful actions or shifting blame onto yourself for the way they treat you. It entails dismissing your own feelings and perceptions in favor of the other person’s perspective. For example, saying things like, “I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt me, it’s all in my head.”

Questioning your memories involves doubting your ability to recall specific events and, in some cases, even creating false memories to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths. You undermine your own recollections and manipulate your perception of reality.

Constantly apologizing involves saying sorry for things that are not your fault or within your control. I notice this tendency in my female clients, who often apologize excessively. For instance, apologizing for crying, expressing emotions, or simply apologizing without a specific reason. It is a common word used in everyday conversations. This behavior can stem from various factors, including societal expectations, cultural conditioning, and a desire to maintain harmony or avoid conflict. Apologizing excessively may be an attempt to please others, prevent disapproval, or alleviate feelings of guilt or shame.

Avoiding conflict involves conforming to other people’s opinions or beliefs, even if they contradict your own. Over time, this behavior can lead to questioning your own thoughts and values. By prioritizing harmony and avoiding disagreements, you may suppress your own authentic voice and sacrifice your individuality. This can result in feelings of inner conflict and a diminished sense of self.

Downplaying your achievements involves dismissing your own hard work, dedication, and perseverance. It manifests as a lack of belief in your abilities and talents. Additionally, comparing yourself to others is a common pattern. You undermine the value of your own accomplishments and diminish the recognition you deserve. This can stem from various factors, such as imposter syndrome, fear of being perceived as arrogant, or setting excessively high standards for yourself.

Downplaying your needs and wants involves considering other people’s needs as more important than your own. You may feel guilty when setting boundaries or saying no to others. Additionally, you may struggle to express your needs or even have difficulty identifying what you want.

Perceiving normal behavior as something exceptional involves seeing regular or expected actions within a relationship as extraordinary or noteworthy. When someone is in an abusive relationship, they may see basic kindness or decency as special because they are used to being mistreated all the time. This can cause them to have a distorted perception of what is normal or expected in a healthy relationship.

What to expect when we are working through self-gaslighting?
Because self-gaslighting can run deep and is a trauma response, it is likely beneficial to seek support from a trauma-informed professional. What can you expect during the process of working on yourself?

Self-doubt is indeed a common experience for clients who engage in self-gaslighting. They frequently question their decisions, feelings, and thoughts, even when the choices seem clear to an outsider. As a professional, it is important for me to refrain from pushing them in any specific direction. Instead, I prioritize helping them learn to distinguish between their own authentic feelings and desires versus the expectations or desires imposed upon them by others.
One technique I use is guiding clients to tune into their bodily sensations when making decisions. I encourage them to ask themselves how a particular decision feels in their body. We also explore the alternative scenario of not taking a certain decision and examine how that feels in their body. This exercise, known as sense checking, is valuable in developing self-awareness. Initially, they may not notice significant differences, but with consistent practice, they gradually learn to discern their true feelings.
It is crucial to recognize that if someone has experienced manipulation, their sense of reality may be clouded, leading to heightened self-doubt. Working through these doubts and learning to trust one’s own perceptions and experiences is an essential aspect of the healing process.

Also, it is important to be aware that it is common to experience feelings of uncertainty. The objective is not to achieve 100% certainty. Instead, it can be helpful to “cement” certain decisions as a starting point. For instance, acknowledging preferences such as “I like pasta,” provides a solid steppingstone from which to build upon. When everything feels uncertain and fluid, having these steppingstones can offer stability amidst confusion. By creating multiple steppingstones, you can establish a stronger sense of stability. As you progress and gain more stability, you can look back and sense check if the decisions you have cemented still align with your current needs and desires.Still liking pasta?

It’s important to acknowledge that not every decision will feel completely certain or clear-cut. In fact, some decisions may have very close 50-50 split. With the information available, it may be challenging to come to a definitive conclusion. It is common for individuals to get stuck in these types of decisions, fearing the potential regret.
However, it’s crucial to recognize that experiencing regret is a natural part of life. It is impossible to go through life without any regrets. Rather than focusing solely on avoiding regret, it is more beneficial to learn how to process and let go of regrets when they arise.

Initially, it can be challenging to identify our own wants and needs, leading to a sense of confusion. It becomes important to constantly ask ourselves, “What do I want?” and pay attention to how our body reacts in different situations. Is our motivation driven by our own desires or influenced by the expectations of others? As we gain a better understanding of our wants and needs, we may encounter feelings of guilt or fear of rejection when expressing them. Guilt and/or shame is a complex emotion that often leads us to prioritize the needs of others over our own. It can be uncomfortable to sit with this guilt and not act upon it. However, it is worth the challenge. Learning to do what we want, even in the face of guilt, is an important step towards self-empowerment and personal growth.

PART II: DAMAGES OF GROWING UP IN BORDERLINE FAMILY

Dec18

In the title of this article I used the word “damage”. This word is a good description of how children that grew up in Borderline Families feel inside – damaged. Let’s go into details, what kind of emotions, feelings and actions are hidden behind this word. Many people in counseling who were raised by a borderline parent end up struggling with anxiety, low self-esteem, issues with trust and intimacy and difficulties being vulnerable with others.

Mind reader
Children of BPD parents routinely become overly sensitive to the moods and needs of others. They needed to adjust to their mothers mood and predict how she would react. Many grew up being afraid of their mother. They are constantly doing “risk assessment” monitoring their mother’s moods so they can manage the situations and protect themselves from anger and drama.
In adult relationships they are responding to these invisible demands from other people. The problem is many times they are adjusting to something that other (healthy) person doesn’t expect them to. The “secret” demand is not really there like it was in their childhood. It is really difficult for them to go out of this mode and trust that nothing bad will happen if they don’t please the other. The realization that we are all adults, responsible for ourselves doesn’t come “naturally” to them.

Are my emotions real?
It is extremely hard not to doubt their perception for the children of BPD parent. Their perception was always questioned and their emotions were invalidated. This may lead to children who deny or question their emotions and emotional responses. If you are constantly told that what you are experiencing is not real you star doubting your feelings and your views of reality.
Children have a very difficult time expressing their feelings because they can rarely distinguish between their feelings and their mother’s feelings.
This doubt is also shown in the perception of their childhood. Did it really happen? A part of them doesn’t believe it fully because it was always denied by their Mothers who never took the responsibility. Furthermore in calm periods, when the parent is behaving better they begin doubting whether the bad things actually happened. 
In adulthood this can be triggered every time someone is disagreeing with you. If you are not a 100% sure into what you wish to say you rather pull back and doubt your truth. More over even if you are a 100% convinced that what you are seeing is a red picture, you can become convince you may be seeing it wrongly, perhaps it is orange after all. You need a constant reassurance from others that what you are feeling and thinking is valid and right.

  • “I’d been so entrenched in that fog throughout my childhood and early adult life that I was unable to see clearly the reality around me.”
  • “When I found out, in 2006, that she’d drained my trust fund, I was horrified. But on some level, I was also relieved: so much of the nightmare of my relationship with my mother had happened in secret that I struggled to know if it was even real. But now I knew it was. Now, I had proof, and I could finally leave her, with a clean conscience.”

Hard to leave
Children of BPD parents have a really difficult time to physically or/and emotionally move away from their parents. Because they were hearing how bad of a child they were when they wanted to be independent they have trouble moving away or cutting their mothers off. This guilt is binding them to their mothers and it is really hard to cut it off for good. In my practice I mostly see emotional bond that is the hardest to let go. They feel obligation to visit their Mom, speak to her, make sure that she is O.K. Although it is apparent that they are not doing this because they want to but because it is expected from them.

Overly critical

They act and feel like they are never good enough. Lack of self-esteem is very common with them. They are really hard on themselves and at times even brutal. It’s like they internalized their Mothers criticism and now they are treating themselves the same way.

  • “I grew up hating myself and relying on my mother for all of my self-worth.”

Illusion of love
The adult children of borderlines struggle with the illusion that they were loved when they weren’t. They feel lack of love towards their parent but they blame them selves for that. This loop is created because a Borderline parent gave them the constant feeling that they are not loving towards them because they are a bad, ungrateful children. They often ask “I must be crazy if I feel like this about my mother right” or “maybe I’m not a good enough child, if only I try harder, she will love me” not realizing they will never measure up in their mother’s eyes.

  • “I feel like a horrible daughter for having bad feelings towards my mother. Sometimes I even think it would be easier if she was just dead. I try to explain my feelings to my boyfriend or a friend and everyone seems to think she is the nicest person ever. She manipulates everyone. They all think I am just being dramatic.”

Fantasy World
Many escape to fantasy world during the childhood and if they don’t resolve what was happening to them while growing up also in adulthood. It is very common that they fantasize the death of a parent. Only children who were severely physically or/and emotionally abused have these types of fantasies. The fantasy is the only way to get out of the toxic environment.

  • “I escaped my childhood like most traumatized children do, by disassociating from reality and fleeing into fantasy. There were window ledges and shade trees that called to me, closets and woods—places I could get away to dream.”
  • “I remember playing Tom and Jerry cartoon nonstop in my head before going to bad. This way the only way I could calm down and fall asleep.”

Anger

Unadorned the guilt, doubt, feelings of unworthiness bring to a lot of anger towards Borderline Parent and their Childhood. They find it unfair (and it is) that they had childhood like that and all the problems that are coming from it. They feel angry that they need to go through the therapy while their Mother is not taking the responsibility. They feel angry that they need to face the pain while somebody else was the one who FUCKED UP.

  • “I’m angry that I didn’t have a childhood, that I witnessed horrible things, was abused in many ways, and that my relationship with my siblings took a toll. I’m just pissed. But more than anything, I’m angry that my mother will never really “get it.” She’ll never see or understand the pain she has inflicted. Really all I want is an acknowledgment of what she has done and the amount of work I’ve had to do to dig myself out of this bottomless pit she dug for me. I want an apology. And then I want to be left alone. I’ve had to try to come to terms with the fact that I will probably not get that from her. Which just fuels my anger. Ugh. ”

Fear of becoming like Mother
The fear of becoming just like your parent can increase with age. Some even deny their wish to become a parent because this fear is running so high. They are trying to prevent the pain that they were feeling when growing up. Maybe comparison to you parent is not that obvious at first but it can occur in small everyday stuff like “I am not drinking coffee like my Mom did.” To overcome comparison and realize that same or similar features don’t make you your parent is really challenging.

  • “I resigned to spend my life proving that I was not her. I’d place a mental check mark in the “not-my-mom box” when I hit a milestone. Attain a college degree. Check that box! Still speaking to my dad after age 21. Check! Not addicted to alcohol or painkillers. Check. In retrospect, being on constant red alert for mom-like tendencies was concerning.”

Relationships
Children of BPD parents have trouble with interpersonal relationships. It is very often that they develop codependent tendencies. They can also use manipulation to maintain relationships or over pleasing behavior. It is not uncommon that they find themselves in destructive relationships which bring them pain. They are being unable to create a true intimacy. They are preventing it through constant fighting, distance (emotional or physical), manipulation, codependency etc.
 Because they were often told that the World is a bad place and they have trouble to trust people. Also to trust that they are worthy of love.

  • “I just realized why all my relationships (platonic and romantic) are superficial and hence not long-lasting. I have constructed an invisible armor around me for protection. If they don’t get too close, they won’t hurt me.”
  • “I have a hard time voicing my opinion and saying when I think I’m right. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years and I’ve changed a lot during therapy. At the beginning of this relationship, I was pretty submissive and didn’t want to cause any conflict. I am now becoming more confident in myself and feel okay with a little bit of conflict.”

Realistic expectations
Perhaps the most difficult thing to accept is that Borderline mother is not capable of insight and will never truly understand why her child avoids her or sets boundaries with her. She is not taking responsibilities for her actions and is making you feel like you are overreacting or she was doing you a favor. It is really hard to accept that your mother will never acknowledge your feelings or agree with you when she is in the wrong. Yet alone apologize .

  • “Why do you act guarded around me?” Child “Because you have hurt me in the past and I don’t want to be hurt again” “I hurt you! I don’t remember that. When?” Child “You used to hit me with a belt when I was a child”
  • “I don’t remember that. You are making it up. You lousy shit”.
  • “My mother could not apologize. She could not take criticism. When it came to discipline and power struggles, she had to win.”

What the future holds?
Unfortunately being raised in BPD Family makes you prone to the development of psychological disorders like depression, anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder and also Borderline Personality Disorder. Recovery from being raised by a borderline parent is often a lifelong process. Although it really gets better with time if you work on yourself. Being psycho-educated about what is going on is important first step towards understanding. You can only work on what you’re aware of.
I would recommend working with the therapies to help you deal with all the emotions, pain and feelings and give you the corrective experience. With time and many positive experiences you will be able to move away from the toxic dynamic. On that note it is also important to say that Borderline parents suffer as well. They have their own past traumas. That being said, parents are not off the hook for abusing their children. As an adult it is your responsibility that you take care of your own wounds before you become a parent. And it is very important that you start to take care of your childhood wounds, to stop the destructive cycle.

In case you want to deepen your understanding of your relationship with your parents, please take a look at my online workshop “Mending our childhood wounds and patterns” HERE.

This workshop will help you with understanding the patterns, roles and attachment you are having in your family dynamic and will shine the light on your behaviors and wounds you are carrying with you. It will also teach you how to deal with your emotions that will evoke through this self-discovery.