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HOW DEATH OF A PARENT CAN TOUCH US, part 2

Jun13

In the second article I will explore what an effect can the death of a parent have on our emotional and mental health. Consequences can occur shortly after the death or later in life. It is important to know that psychological effects of a parent’s death can occur long after feelings of grief are behind us and we seem to have adjusted to our lives.  Not everything is due to this one event but we can’t neglect the researches that show higher risk factor of developing disorders associated with a childhood bereavement.

Inner world
Feelings that can occur after the death of the parents also depends on the nature of their death. Sudden, unexpected death, slow death and suicide often arise different kinds of feelings in us. Feelings can continue for a lifetime if not addressed. Many don’t even connect them anymore with the death of the parent, because they got so used to them through the years.

  • Shame can be connected to the suicide death as well as feeling different from other children who have both of their parents.
  • Guilt is often present. We feel responsible for parent’s death although we didn’t have any control over it. Suicidal thoughts can occur because child wishes to reunite with the parent, although these are rarely acted upon.
  • One feeling that is not often talked about is a feeling of relief. That can arise from seeing your parent going through torture due to the disease as well as in cases where the parent was unloving or abusing. Their death brings peace to the child and the family.
  • Some detach form the enormous pain of the loss. They block out the feelings. They numb themselves even with a help of drugs or/and alcohol.
  • Feeling of profound emptiness that can come in waves or we feel it all the time. Some try to fill the emptiness while others accept it as a part of them. “I am filling my emptiness with reading obsessively, my siblings socialized excessively. Nothing bad, just in extremes. But it could as well go really bad because drugs are easily accessible.”
  • Feeling of being rootless and having no solid ground is shared by many.
  • Tendency to control/dominate in relationships. Control can occur due to a fear of loosing someone again. On the other hand others shy away from forming emotionally intimate relationships for the same reason.
  • Idealization of the lost parent. Children invent not only perfect, idealized parent, but also a parent who makes their every wish come true. On the other hand some block out the image of the parent completely or build unrealistic images of them to detach from the painful memories.
  • Adults who have experienced a childhood bereavement sometimes do not expect to live longer than their parent did. Some stop living after that point in their lives and they appear half alive. This connects them to the deceased parent. This dynamic can occur especially when the parent  of the same sex died.

Higher vulnerability

Studies have revealed many negative outcomes associated with a childhood bereavement:

  • Increased likelihood of substance abuse.
  • Higher risk of criminal behavior. Parents are not only mentors but serve as a safe net. They set the boundaries to the child when they are in their experimental phase. In the absence of a parent some children find themselves running wild. They don’t know how to control impulses and moderate behavior. At first the lack of a parent feels like freedom but it soon become overwhelming. Rebellious behavior can include anger, violence, criminal behavior and sexual promiscuity.
  • Academic underachievement and lower employment rates. Almost all kids will have some trouble in school after the death of a parent. But for those already struggling, the crisis can be devastating to their performance. On the other hand child can become driven to over achievement. Keeping themselves extremely busy to avoid painful emotions.

The following factors increase the risk of psychological disorders (anxiety, depression):
-loss occurred before child was 5 years old or during early an adolescence,
-loss of mother for girls before age 11 and loss of father for adolescent boys,
-conflictual relationships with the deceased preceding the death,
-psychologically vulnerable surviving parent who is excessively dependent on the child,
-lack of an adequate family or support by a community (supports),
-unstable, inconsistent environment. Including multiple shifts in caretakers and disruption of familiar routines,
-experience of parental remarriage if there is a negative relationship between the child and the new partner,
-lack of prior knowledge about death,
-unanticipated death (suicide, homicide)(Source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK217849/)

BEAVERED CHILD AND SURVIVING PARENT, part 1

LOSS IN CHILDHOOD, LOVE RELATIONSHIPS IN ADULTHOOD, part 3

BEAVERED CHILD AND SURVIVING PARENT, part 1

Jun13

In this article we will touch very deep loss-the loss of a parent. It is hard to imagine how deep it cuts if you haven’t experienced it on your own skin. The best comparison I found was a comparison with a mountain climbing. Imagine that it is your first serious climb and you are accompanied by the professional climber. You rely on him with everything. He will show you the way, he will make sure that the way is safe, that you stay hydrated. In the middle of the mountain, your company dies. You are left alone. Chaos! Fear! That is exactly what a child who lost a parent feels. If a parent can disappear forever then nothing is safe and predictable anymore. Experience of the loss brings destruction to the family as a whole which often stops function as such and breaks down to individuals in the family.

Most people remember the day of the loss as being the end of their childhood. It marks a point before and after the life changed drastically. How was your experience like?

Grief
There is no universal face of grief. Children watch responses of the surviving parent and learn how they are “suppose to” mourn. “Is it O.K. to cry or I need to be strong and tough?”
The way someone grieves also depends on the age of a child. For example, those under the age of two may show loss of speech, while children under the age of five can respond by eating, sleeping, and urinary disturbance. School-age children may become phobic, preoccupied with body functions, withdrawn, or excessively care-giving. Especially in boys sadness may be replaced by aggression. Adolescents may respond similar to the adults, but they may also be reluctant about expressing their emotions due to the fear of being different.
Children who lost a parent when they were infants can feel absence instead of loss. “I don’t know what a “father” means. When I started school, I remember feeling different from other kids who had a mother and a father. /…/ There were no image (of father), just me, my brother, and my mother.” (Harris, 1995, p.18).
“My oldest brother was 13 when she died, and all he can talk about is what life would have been like if Mom had lived because he knows what life was like with her, he can really miss her. I never had her, so I don’t feel the loss. “(Harris, 1995, p.18).
Grief may continue on and off for many years, although it may get less intensive.



How did you and your family grieve? Did you grieve at all?

What a surviving parent can do for their children?

  • After such a traumatic event the best you can do is to keep child’s routines as regular as possible. That will lessen his anxiety and eventually bring back feeling of stability and security.
  • 
It is important for a child to have an adequate information about the death, suitable for their age. They are often afraid that a living parent can die as well. It is important to talk about their fears and reassure them that they are not to blame.
  • It is best to avoid any additional changes, such as moving homes, changing schools. Changes makes parental death significantly more difficult to deal with.
  • Sometimes the child lost not only one parent but has also lost the one who is still alive. They are (understandably) in such a pain themselves that they can’t manage keeping a family together. It is very important for a surviving parent to seek help form the community and/or professional therapist. Some surviving parents can respond to loss with abuse, neglect and anger towards their child. They can also make the child their “partner” or fall in such a deep depression that they withdraw from a child’s world completely.

How was it in your family? How did surviving parent manage to keep the family together in a long run? Did the surviving parent seek help?

Don’t talk about it

In some families the parental loss could not be talked about at all. Children can deliberately hide their feelings in order to protect the surviving parent. In my clinical experiences clients had little space to talk about their loss. Not that it was particular forbidden to talk about it but at the same time the topic was not mentioned because they wanted to save their family form any further pain.
It is essential to go through the painful feelings when grieving. Talk to your child about your feelings and encourage them to express theirs. You can also start some rituals that encourage family members to express their feelings. For example make a family gathering at the grave a yearly event where everybody can express their feelings and remember the deceased. Celebrate their birthdays or visit their favorite restaurant together every couple of months. Create a space where it is O.K. to express emotions about the loss for years to come.

Did you talk about the loss in your family? It is still O.K. to talk about it now as an adult?

-About 4% of children in Western countries experience the death of a parent.
-1 in 9 adults in a survey said they have lost a parent before they were 20 years old.
-40% recall frequently pretending to be O.K. not to upset their surviving parent.
-63% feared their surviving parent would also get sick and die.
Source: Poll by Greenwald & Associates for New York Life Foundation and Comfort Zone Camps.

HOW DEATH OF A PARENT CAN TOUCH US, part 2

LOSS IN CHILDHOOD, LOVE RELATIONSHIPS IN ADULTHOOD, part 3

AFTER BIRTH SUPPORT OPTIONS IN BERLIN

May11

In the spirit of my article Postpartum care and Eastern concept of “doing the month” in this article I am listing different types of care/help you can turn to during the postpartum period.

  • Partner: Talk to him. Let him know what you need from him and were he needs to take over after the baby is born.
  • Friends and family: If possible ask your family or friends to help you with cooking, cleaning and taking care of your older kids. Sometimes family can stress us out. It is important to think through who you would even ask. You don’t need extra stress, you need an understanding hand.
  • Online community can represent a great source of information and support. In Berlin there is a great Facebook group for Expats “ExpatbabiesBerlin” also “Supermamas Berlin” whose concept is to bring new mums in touch with more ‘experienced’ mums who live in the same neighborhood. Mums bring food, gift, and support to new mums. The new mums returns a favor to another new mom in the neighborhood at a later time.
  • Hebammen (midwives) offer pre and postnatal care. During the postnatal period (“Wochenbettbetreuung”), insurance will cover up to 26 visits for up to eight weeks after the birth. During these visits, she ensures that both the mother and baby are doing well. She will answer all questions regarding baby and you and will give suggestions if you will need specialized help. Here you can find the Hebamme list. In the search engine you can enter wanted area, language and type of care.
  • Familienzentren: All round Berlin there are Familienzentren. Each Zenter offers a variety of activities, support or help to young parents and families. Write to Zentren in your neighborhood to find out what they can do for you. Here you can find a list.
  • Aufsuchende Elternhilfe is meant for Families during the pregnancy and untill the child’s 1. year. The staff members of the Aufhilfe Elternhilfe provide support and health advice, social counseling, they can run errands, take care of older kids, accompany to the pediatrician and assistance in dealing with authorities. Help is free of charge. For more information turn to Kinder- und Jugendgesundheitsdienst des Gesundheitsamtes in your districts or contact organization directly, HERE.
  • Help through volunteers: Various projects, such as „Wellcome“, „Känguru“, or „Berliner Großelterndienst“ offer families help by trained volunteers. These offers are mostly free. For more information look at their webpages.
  • Home help as a health insurance benefit (“Haushaltshilfe als Leistung der Krankenkasse”): If the discomfort exceeds the normal level after birth (caesarean section, a multiple birth, premature birth, postpartum mental health issues, problems with breastfeeding) there is the possibility that your health insurance company will cover the costs of household help. You need to go to your doctor (Hausartz) and get a prescription where they state why and to what extent support is needed. You will need to pay 10% of the daily fee yourself – but not less than 5 euros and not more than 10 euros per day.
  • Paid help during pre/postnatal period: cleaner, babysitter, doula, sleep consultant, lactose consultant, pelvis floor consultant.

POSTPARTUM CARE

May9

After the baby comes, attention shifts from you to your baby. In most cases even mom can only focus of taking care of the baby, but who is now focusing on her? It is very important that after birth you are your own number one advocate and you take good care of yourself. You don’t need anyone’s permission, that is your right. Taking great care after birth helps prevent postpartum depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. Furthermore, it helps your body to heal fully.

I heard so many times from my “after birth support system” that you are not allowed to donate blood 1 year after giving birth because birth is the same as going through a major surgery. Even if you don’t feel it, it doesn’t hurt to realize that your body is going through its own demanding processes during the pregnancy and also long after birth.

I believe many mothers don’t realize how important it is to take at least 3 months to nurture themselves after birth. I took a whole year. To me, my only job the first few months was taking care of myself and the baby. Meaning breastfeeding, being close to her and snuggling.

How to nurture yourself? Sleep, rest and eat well. Make sure that you are getting enough vitamins, minerals and amino acids through nutrition into your body. A lot of the nutrients will go through breastfeeding to the baby. You need to have enough for both of you. Seek advice from your doctor about supplementing if needed.

A wonderful concept that convinced me was so called “doing the month” (zuo yuezi) that derives from Chinese culture. While exploring this concept I figured out that a lot of eastern countries follow the similar idea. Of course, this is an old concept so some of its directions don’t apply to today’s mothers, but let me pinpoint some of the guidelines that are followed after the birth in different cultures:

  • In these cultures, the postpartum period is a time when the mother is supposed to recuperate, her activities are limited, and her (female) relatives take care of her. How long after birth this period last varies a little bit from culture to culture but mostly its lasts somewhere between 3-6 weeks, and in Korean culture up to 100 days.
    During those weeks, visitors are prohibited, and new mothers and newborns are not allowed to go out unless it is really necessary. The reason behind it is to avoid contact with a possible source of infection. Mothers are encouraged to abstain from chores, food preparation and cleaning. This time is meant for rest and being with a newborn.
  • As mentioned above, women who practice this tradition are not alone, and that lowers the anxiety and stress of motherhood. In these cultures, friends and relatives provide the family with meals and take care for other children.
  • Cold/hot concept: One common belief is the necessity of maintaining a “hot-cold balance” within the body and with the environment after the birth. Cold and wind are pathogenic factors in Chinese medicine, meaning they can trigger a disease process. In many non-Western cultures, blood is considered “hot.” During the birth women losses blood and it is considered to be in a cold state. Consequently the goal is to keep the mother warm after birth. This is achieved through various ways: food, warm environment, clothes, and baths. In China there is “no shower” rule after this period. This rule made sense in the past because there was an absence of proper shower systems and hair dryers. Back then, new mothers could have easily gotten a cold after a shower. Nowadays this doesn’t apply anymore, but some still follow this rule.
  • Food: Mothers are fed very simple but special foods and a number of herbal drinks to promote healing and recovery, boost their immunity and improve their milk supply. It is advised to eat warm and cooked foods. Cold food in Chinese medicine means that food has a cold (or hot) characteristic and not that is physically cold. For the list of cold foods according to Chinese medicine look here.
  • Pampering during this time is also very important. In India mothers are given massages with warm oils daily.

The most common underlying theme throughout this concept is protecting the mother and newborn from exposure to pathogens and extra stress. This may quicken recovery time, potentially preventing postpartum mental health issues and other health problems, while promoting healthy milk production and a healthy immune system for both the mama and baby. If this concept felt close to you try to apply it as much as possible after your birth. You can also read the article “Where to find extra help in Berlin, Germany” HERE.

EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL DIFFICULT PREGNANCY

May8

This is an article for future moms who struggle with their pregnancy. I wanted to open up about a topic that is both close to my heart, and at the same time seems to be a taboo for pregnant women to talk openly about it. Although I don’t know about your experience, but when I was going through mine, many people “allowed” just one experience of pregnancy – the experience of joy. Every time I went off this script, I could see it in their faces – worry. Looking at me with the thought in their mind: “Will you be a loving mother?” or they try to advise me on how to help myself become a happy pregnant lady. No, I wasn’t  imagining my feelings, and my hormones also didn’t trick me to feel something that was not there. Many people start to feel uncomfortable when you describe your pregnancy as unpleasant, having doubts, having no feelings towards your baby, etc.

My pregnancy wasn’t planned, and I was experiencing a state of shock and a lot of deeply negative emotions deeply into 5 months of being pregnant. Some of them could be connected with my really bad physical state until the 19th week, but not all of them. I dealt with life struggles the same as I advised my clients. I talked about how I feel. Consequently, I was getting different responses from people around me, but only a few had a sympathetic ear.

Even if you were planning to have a baby, you still can be shocked when you find out. Being pregnant can be something that is hard to comprehend at times. A lot of pregnancies are unplanned, or women feel society’s pressure to have a baby. However, even if you planned it, you can still experience negative emotions while pregnant. And you have every right to feel this way.

There is a range of feelings that can occur here, and I will write about a few of them: Doubting if you will manage to handle it, doubting if you will love your baby, not wanting to have your baby, not feeling connected, being deeply disappointed about the gender of your baby, feeling sad about becoming a mother, hating your pregnancy, hating body changes, worrying that your life will end, worrying that you will have no freedom, etc. Also, some of your dormant traumatic memories can awake while pregnant or postpartum. It is not uncommon that we remember our childhood trauma while becoming a parent.

All the feelings that you are experiencing while pregnant don’t tell how you will feel as a mother. For example: you can be looking forward to your baby but once it’s born, you can feel resentment or have trouble to connecting with it or . It can happen that you will have intrusive thoughts about you or your baby. What kind of thoughts? Killing you baby, hitting it, throwing it. You can find a little bit more about different pre/postnatal mental states HERE.

The medical environment can brush off these things too easily. In my experience nobody asked me if this pregnancy is planned and how I feel about being pregnant and becoming a mom. Probably they assume that all is well because of my age. Furthermore, so many doctors shared with me that this is really happy occasion. I believe we should be more careful in the medical field about how we approached someone. It is safer to ask a person about their feelings then just assuming happiness.

My belief is that it is important to talk with people who aloud you to feel how you feel and/or to seek safe therapy space were you can discuss your feelings no matter how “negative” they are. I am not here to give you advice or to have therapeutic goal to put you “on the right path” so that you would feel joy about this time of your life. I am here to listen, to hold your emotions and to create a nonjudgmental, safe place for them in case you decide you want to deal with your emotions in psychotherapy.

Do you want additional support for upcoming childbirth? I prepared an ONLINE WORKSHOP for pregnant soon to be moms, that want to emotionally prepare for upcoming childbirth in the safety of their own home.

When I was pregnant, I used my psychotherapy knowledge to prepare myself emotionally for the birth. Finding the lack of resources out there to not just technically but also emotionally prepare me for childbirth gave me the boost, to create this workshop for other women as well.

DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Apr20

In my office I meet a lot of wonderful people. They often come to me because they are in a destructive relationship they aren’t able to get out of. Although they know pretty well that the relationship is not good for them. The combination of their nonfunctional behavior with partner’s destructive patterns create toxic codependent relationship.
Codependency doesn’t only happen in a romantic relationship. It can occur in any type of a relationship, including family, work, friendship, community etc. Although in this article I write from women’s perspective men find themselves in this type of relationships as well.

Why are we attracted to the codependent relationships?
Destructive behavior is learned. Typically we find ourselves in dysfunctional relationships because we come from dysfunctional family, where we haven’t recited enough nurturing.
In general people who are raised in a dysfunctional family environment are used to chaos, unpredictability, fear and drama. Being in such a love relationship feels right to them because of familiarity. As adults we are compelled to recreate similar situation throughout our lives, in an unconscious drive to finally change the outcome and brake the pattern.
As a child you were unsuccessfully trying to please your parents in a hope that they will finally give you the love you need. In a codependent relationship you are a slave to the same dynamic. You are willing to wait, hope, plead, change and help just to maybe someday get a love form your unloving, avoidant, addicted, uncaring and inappropriate partner. The more he refuses you the more you want him.
Even though often we see the real problem in our relationships, we still look for excuses and “reasonable” explanations. An often occurrence is blaming his past for all the problems. We are determined to save him from his own demons through our love. Sex is one of the primary ways of trying to bringing him back to health.
We stick to the same partner because we want to prove we are not like “the others” and we would never leave him. We are much more in love with his potential “what it could be” then we are in touch with the real situation.
Also we can be addicted to the emotional pain that is a part of the codependent relationship. Consequently we find a good man who treats us well boring.

Codependent dynamic in relationship
A common theme in these types of relationships is that the beginnings feel like we have known each other for a long time. We fall head over heels in love with each other and everything is starting to happen really fast. “On my first date with him, I felt it in my guts, I met a soul mate. I did everything to stay with him, even loose myself in the end.”

There are different dynamics in relationships that reflect codependency:

  • One of them is passive-controlling behavior were one person is submissive, can’t make decisions and tries to please their partner. Other is controlling, makes all the decisions and tries to change their partner.
  • Some find themselves in a role of a rescuer. That is especially evident in relationships where one of them is addicted because the rescuer makes everything instead of the partner. Partner can remain irresponsible, negligent and addicted. At the same time the rescuer focuses so much on other person and avoids taking responsibility for her own actions. We avoid our own pain, emptiness, fear and anger. We use our relationship as a drug to do that.
  • Another occurrence is that both partners are having people pleasing behavior. It feels like they are glue to one another in a great harmony without any fights in relationship. Both of them can’t really function without the other. There is no place for individuality.

Bringing focus back to yourself

The way of breaking the cycle that started in our childhood is bringing the awareness back to ourselves. It takes a long time before new, healthier ways of living feel right instead of forced. Despite all the chaos in this types of relationship they can be pretty hart to end untill we don’t take time and do some serious work. There are some areas which are often problematic amongst people who find themselves in codependent relationships. Focusing on them play the important role in psychotherapy:

  • Fear of being alone: Our fear of ending up alone is so big that we rather stay in codependent relationship. If the relationship somehow ends we tend to find another partner right away or even before the old relationship ends. The fear of being without a man can be so severe we experience some of the same symptoms as during drug withdrawal. “When the relationship is over I can’t sleep, I start to shake and feel cold. I get depresses and neglect my kids. The fear of these symptoms makes me rather stay in the relationship that I know is not right for me.”
  • Deep feelings of emptiness: We stick to the relationship just to avoid the emptiness we feel deep inside. We believe that when we will be with someone the emptiness will go away and the life will have the meaning again. Sadly most people in codependent relationships feel alone and empty most of the time.
  • Low self-esteem: We don’t see our self as someone worth of love, success and happiness. We believe that we need to earn love. Perfectionism goes often hand in hand with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you can’t feel bad about yourself. On the other hand everything that is not perfect brings feelings of guilt and feels like people will stop loving us.
  • Poor boundaries: We don’t develop the feeling for our own as well as for other person’s boundaries. We can’t say no just as well as we have trouble hearing the other person’s boundaries. Setting boundaries would put the relationship at risk or it would mean that it needs to end.
  • Control helps us feel safe and secure due to the little control we’ve had during our childhood. Some mistaken control as being helpful. With controlling others close to us we are not facing our own pain. We can also find ourselves on the opposite side of the spectrum and we are the controlled one. Which can feel safe at first but soon turns to drama. Self-blame also give us feeling of the control. By blaming ourselves we have a hope that we will eventually figure out what we are doing wrong, correct it and stop the pain.
  • Care-taking: We put others ahead of ourselves. This can be the role we have learned while emotionally and/or physically taking care of incompetent parent. We lean towards people pleasing behavior but at the same time can be offended if somebody doesn’t want our help. This is the only way we know how to show love and hope for love in return.
  • Obsessions: The root of obsession in fear. Fear of being alone, unlovable, unworthy, ignored or destroyed. We hope that the man whom we are obsessed with, will take care of our fears. We are occupied with thinking about him or our own mistakes in the relationship.
  • Denial: We are in denial about the problematic relationship and our own responsibility for it. What all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. Which is reoccurring in romantic relationship.
  • Intimacy: We have trouble being in healthy intimate relationship. We fear true intimacy because we feel that if person would truly know us they would reject us. We take control of that through controlling how close we get to others.

 

TWO LAYERS OF ANXIETY*

Jul13

*the article is based on my private practice observations

Anxiety is often a reason why people knock on my door. It is also the subject that I am most drawn to. That’s why I would like to write a short article based on my work experiences about dealing with anxiety.

In short, I approached anxiety in two levels:

  1. Dealing with symptoms: In the Internet era, people educate themselves about panic attacks and how to ease symptoms. Consequently this level is the most accessible for self-help. Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy is mainly focused on this level. Many people come to psychotherapy equipped with the knowledge and exercises how to help themselves with panic attacks. But why do those people still come to therapy? I believe focus in this level is not enough for the long term anxiety relief. In my practice, I focus 80% of my time on second level:
  2. Deeper approach: Psychotherapeutic relationship offers safe, understanding, trusting environment which is especially important for people with anxiety. For them, knowing that they have safe place, whit expert who they can trust, play enormous role. I notice that people with anxiety often keep their fears and worries to them self, they are overly consider with other people’s emotions and are on the mission not to hurt others, their true content is locked inside them which one day explode into panic.
    In time, the therapeutic relationship is safe enough for all the hidden content to come to light, having somebody to talk about it, relieves the burden that is kept inside and coses stress. Often we are so used to carrying a burden that we don’t realize how anxious our mind and body are feeling.

What (not) to expect in therapy

A lot of people believe that there is some kind of recipe for panic attacks solution. And they expect to get it from therapist. There is not just one anxiety, I see different kinds of it, some overwhelming others »just« as symptom form some other mental disorder. Therapy needs to get to its core and there is no recipe for that.

I don’t believe that you can cure anxiety response 100%. Let’s not forget that no matter how unpleasant it is, it is still a normal human response. The only difference it is that by people with anxiety, the centers for danger are triggered where there is no actual life threatening situation. The difference after therapy is that less things are causing us stress. Before it was stressful to go to the grocery store, now it would be stressful when having an accident. That’s a normal body/mind response.

HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON (*HSP)

Jul13

In this article I will summarized the work of Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D. book, The Highly Sensitive Person. In her psychotherapy practice she worked with HSP for decays and come to an interesting conclusions.

In connection to anxiety: HSP often treats his high arousal as anxiety. He got false messages form the environment that unpleasantness he is experiencing (due to high arousal) is actually fear. Consequently when they get aroused (annoyed, tired…) that automatically triggers fear.

Twenty percent of the population is born with HSP, 30% of them are extrovert and it effects women and men equally. The author distinguish between two subtypes:

First one is calm, quiet and satisfied quickly the other is slightly contradictory, for example he is curious but careful, cheeky but scared, he gets bored very quickly but at the same time, he is quickly overstimulated.

Hypersensitive nervous system
HSP have a hypersensitive nervous system. Exposed to the same amount of stimulus, they tend to absorb more and consequently they get aroused faster. Also they process everything very deeply and get easily overwhelmed.

They pick up the stimulus form the environment that many others would normally overlook. Some people call that good intuition. Their delicate sense make them a good writers, historians, philosophers, judges, artists, researchers, theologians, therapist, teachers, conscious parents and citizens.

Main characteristic of HSP Person:

  • Creative (unusual imagination), very empathic people.
  • They tend to have more vivid dreams and nightmares then others. Even if they didn’t have any traumatic experience it is not unusual for them to fear the dark. No wonder many of them have trouble sleeping.
  • They feel hunger very strongly.
  • They have hart time making decisions, especially because they are being more aware of consequences, wanting to make right by everyone and paying great attention to details.
  • If they had many negative experiences in life, they are more prone to anxiety or depression. HSP children can get criticized for their sensitivity, often the environment doesn’t know how to react to it. That’s why many of them feel like there is something wrong with them. In the environment that is in tune in with their sensitivity, they flourish to a confident person, viewing their sensitivity as a gift.
  • They react to criticism more intense than others which can result in avoiding criticism all together, by trying to please other people and putting others first.
  • They have lower pain tolerance. They feel changes in their body more profoundly, that’s why they are having trouble to brush the painful sensation off their mind.
  • They tend to be more sensitive to violence in the movies and real life. Due to their great imagination, they can vividly imagine what it would be like. The images can linger with them for weeks or even years.

Are you a HSP? Find out in these questioner: http://hsperson.com/

SKYPE THERAPY FOR PEOPLE WORKING IN HIGH STRESS ENVIRONMENT

Jul13

People working in busy environment or dynamic cities like London, New York, Singapore, Zurich, Frankfurt, where is no shortage of qualified therapists, often choose online therapy due to its convenience and flexibility. The comfort of having the therapy in your office and not being forced to travel to therapist office often weigh towards online psychotherapy.

Skype therapy has also turned out to be a great option for people whose part of their job is to travel. Regular therapy sessions are important part of progress in psychotherapy. Skipping them because of frequent business trips can become a problem at some point. Online treatment offers time and geographic flexibility which you can’t expect form face-to-face therapy.

LIVING ABROAD AND SEARCHING FOR A THERAPIST

Jul13

Adjustment to a new environment

Cultural shock is a part of experience when you move abroad. Moving can be a stressful. You can never really prepare for the changes that you are going to face. Even if you are moving to a similar cultural background there will be some bumps along the road. If you are new to the language, this can only deepen the feelings of loneliness, isolation and stress.

People forced to move when their spouse is transferred to a foreign country, with no job and limited support, may have an especially hard time.

Sometimes cultural shock doesn’t hit us right away. We can be in a so called “honeymoon phase”. When person gets used to new environment and novelty become less exciting, the shock can check up with us.

Having problems living abroad

Being a human means that we will have rough times. We can develop or face serious troubles anytime in our life time, no matter where we live. If we happen to be in a foreign country, this can cause us even greater distress. Not having access to a therapist that is not only able to understand our language, but also our cultural background, can be discouraging. Online therapy helps in this cases. In my experience, it is a great option for people living abroad.