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PART I: BEING RAISED BY A NARCISSIST

Jan22

Narcissism runs on a spectrum, from healthy narcissism to malignant narcissism, with a lot of gray in between. Narcissistic people suffer tremendously from their childhood trauma and this pain is too much for them to carry, so they pretend it’s not there or they keep lashing out on other people to ease their own pain. Narcissism doesn’t have to be absolute. It can show up in little ways and often under the guise of doing “what’s best” for your children. It tends to play out inter-generationally, with narcissistic parents producing either narcissistic or codependent children. Parents who are narcissistic share many traits with parents who have Borderline Personality Disorder. The traits of these two disorders overlap quite a bit. The difference between BPD and NPD is how they use manipulation. BPD is trying to prevent abandonment and NPD is trying to maintain the image of perfection.

Narcissistic trails in parenthood

Possessives
Narcissistic parent can be defined as someone who lives through their children and is possessive towards them. Typically, the narcissistic parent perceives the independence of a child as a threat. As long as you don’t represent a threat to your narcissistic parent, and are making them proud, they are OK towards you, or continue to ignore you. But the moment you become difficult or don’t meet their expectations, you become a problem. It is very hard for them to let their possession go. This typically shows when you get serious romantic partner. Your new girlfriend is viewed as a major threat. “My mum criticized my girlfriend to me when she wasn’t around. She was showing her disapproval through little things, like never included her name on any Christmas cart that she wrote.” In the eyes of some narcissistic parents, no romantic partner is ever good enough for their offspring.

  • “When you support her or don’t oppose her, she has this charming personality that’s very hard to resist. But when you oppose her, you can expect her to throw in every trick she has to make your life miserable.”

Boundaries
Within the realm of narcissistic parenting, personal boundaries are often disregarded with the goal of molding and manipulating the child to satisfy the parents’ expectations. They would go through your private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you. Asking nosy questions without noticing that you are feeling uncomfortable is also very common. You don’t have any truly private space even in the bathroom. Narcissistic parent crosses boundaries in many ways. Verbal and/or physical violent is common in their home.

  • “My mum has given away my property without my consent, sometimes even in front of me. Not to mention she expressed (her) opinions instead of me and make an appointments for me without even consulting me. “
  • “I told my mum she cannot bring her friends to my party but she showed up with them anyway. I couldn’t send them away because she told them they were invited. So, I either have to give in, or be the bad guy to these poor dupes on my doorstep.”
  • “I came home from school when I was 15 or so, and found all my drawers dumped out on my bed, and my mother sitting in my desk chair, holding my diary. She was livid. Apparently, I hadn’t put my socks in the drawer right, so she decided to check all my drawers and closet. Seeing that none of my clothing was put away to her standards, she dumped it all out and in the process found and read my diary. That was a bad day. I wore long sleeves for weeks, and had to wear a sweat suit in gym to hide what she did to me.”

Lack of Empathy
Narcissistic parent is incapable to be mindful of the child’s own thoughts and feelings, and validate them as real and important. Only what the parent thinks and feels matters. Some of the most common issues in narcissistic parenting are due to the lack of appropriate, responsible nurturing which ultimately contributes to a child’s dysfunctional patterns. Consequently children feel little or no emotional attachment to their parent.

  • “My mum minimizes, discounts or ignores my opinions and experiences. Even when I talk about the subject that I am an expert on, she choose to demine the information. She never listens to a word that I say.”
  • My mother sees herself as a loving person. Nothing could be more far away from the truth in reality. She is incredibly cold-hearted, rude, ignorant, and callous with an inability to show compassion.

Manipulation
Narcissistic parent use manipulation to mold you the way they want you to be. The most common tactic used by the narcissist are:

  1. Ignoring: They can ignore you for days or weeks when you are not doing the things they want you to do. “When I didn’t do well in school my mum didn’t talk to me until I corrected my mark.” There is also one subtype of Narcissistic parent called “Ignoring Narcissists”. This parents have very little interest in their children. They take notice only when it is necessary. Usually when they need to portrait the perfect family picture or when they need to make sure that their child is taking the path that was chosen for him. “My mum showed interest in me only when it has something to do with school. The moment I tried to talk to her about something else she didn’t really listened.”
  2. Withholding love: Love is given as a conditional reward, rather than the natural expression of healthy parenting. On the other hand, the withholding of love is used as threat and punishment.
  3. Threatening: Narcissistic parent often use your personal information you told them a while against you when you don’t want to follow their direction. Child quickly learns not to share anything with their parents and hides everything from them.
  4. Guilt and shame: Narcissistic parent make you feel guilty and ashamed of yourself if you want to do something different from what they expected. “Ow, you are going to take the trip and I have to stay at home with your dad, how thoughtful of you” or ˝Because you can’t play the piano well, mummy looks like a fool˝.
  5. Being in the middle: Narcissistic parent uses their child to manipulate others-most likely their partner. Children are often expected to deal with adult issues and are put in the middle of disputes. This forces the child to make difficult decisions. Putting the child in the position where he needs to choose between one parent instead of the other leaves profound trauma. “How can I take my father’s side when my mother needs me more?”
    All of this manipulation tactics are preventing you to develop into a healthy individual with strong and clear identity.

Narcissistic rage
Their rage is based on fear. Anything that is threatening to expose their inner feelings of unworthiness needs to be destroyed. “My mom just flipped out when I said I am getting tired of pretending in front of my relatives that I am still studying to be a doctor. She started hitting me and screaming unclear sentences. I didn’t dare to tell my relatives the truth after that.”

Everything is about them
Narcissistic parent take all of the air in the room. Their profound need for attention and praise subverts everyone else’s needs. They turn others to be their listener. They don’t notice their boredom, exhaustion and desire to speak too. They love to show others how “special” they are (grandiosity). They enjoy publically parading what they consider their superior dispositions, be it material possessions, physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and membership, contacts in high places, and/or trophy spouse and offspring. They go out of their way to seek ego-boosting attention and flattery.

  • “My mother creates odd occasions at which she can be the center of attention, such as memorials for someone close to her who died long ago, or major celebrations of small personal milestones. She loves to entertain so she can be the life of her own party.”
  • “At the dinner table me, my sisters and my father were talking. My mother suddenly slipped from her chair and collapsed onto the floor, apparently unconscious. Shocked and concerned, we rushed to her side and picked up the phone to call 911, at which time she regained consciousness. The same scenario played out a few more times at the dinner table. If the conversation shifted away from her she would dramatically drop to the floor. We started to ignore her and talked over it. She continued to fall sometimes. She’d lie there for a bit and then pretend to wake up in confusion.”

Maintaining the appearances
They like to present a perfect family image to outsiders. They go to great lengths to ensure that others perceived your family as a loving, successful and enviable. Children are normally aware of this play, but kept silent for fear of wrath from their parent.

  • “I’m in therapy to deal with the effects of being raised by a narcissistic parent. I didn’t even realize until I was pretty well into adulthood that’s what it was. I thought it was me. I thought something was wrong with me. Everyone loves my mom. Everyone talks about how amazing she is, how charming, how much she sacrifices for her family, so I figured that if I was miserable at home it certainly couldn’t have been because of her. The truth is, everyone thinks so highly of her because she has carefully crafted that image and manipulated and lied to maintain it. She has used other people to make herself look better, and hurt others in the process. That’s the truth.”
  • “The thing about narcissists that is the absolute worst is that no one else knows what’s going on. They have fooled everyone else because they are master manipulators. Everyone else in my family and extended peer group thinks my mother is this amazing, strong, dedicated woman who has raised two severely challenging children. What’s funny is, as much as I can’t stand my brother, we are a lot alike and have suffered a lot of the same traumas at the hands of my mother. We are both incredibly sensitive souls who have been abused and luckily, I found my way out of it. I moved 3000 miles away from her. My brother was not so fortunate, and depends on her to survive.”
  • She cares excessively about what people think. “What will the neighbors think”, is a sentence that I’ve heard countless times. If you actually have a genuine problem, don’t expect her to care about you, but about how it will appear to others. Keeping up appearances is key, regardless of whether you’re suffering or not.”

Everything is personal
Narcissistic parents take their children’s every feeling or action personally. These parents are easily angered when a child doesn’t agree with them or mirror them. They expect the child to be happy when she is and miserable when she is. If the child is happy when the parent is sad, it is taken as a sign of disloyalty and insensitivity. They are so sensitive to praise and admiration as fuel that it makes them overly sensitive to criticism. So children learn to tiptoe around these emotional minefields, trying not to trigger that anger, or worse, have their parents withdraw love. The child of narcissist parent is never seen as he truly is. Of course, there are moments when child objects to his parent, but even then he feels bad, wrong, and confused.

  • She also makes up ridiculous lies about trivial mistakes. Just to give one example: she once repaired a shirt, but put the button on the wrong side. I pointed this out to her — I wasn’t angry or anything, I thought it was funny, and she made up absolutely silly excuses like: “it just shot through”. She can never do something wrong and thus she will never apologize. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say “sorry”.

Marginalization
Some narcissistic parents are threatened by their child’s potential, promise, and success, as they challenge the parent’s self-esteem. Consequently, they might make a concerted effort to put the child down, so the parent remains superior. They are nit-picking their child, they are judgmental and critical towards him, they constantly compare him to someone better and reject his success and accomplishments. Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent would jump in and shift the attention to themselves. “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.”

  • “When I got married a few years later, she told me that my wedding was “not for the bride, but actually for her mother”. I made her my Matron of Honor and chose her favorite color for the bridesmaid’s dresses. She bought a dress the same color as mine.”

Grandiosity and Superiority
Many narcissistic parents have a falsely inflated self-image, with a conceited sense about who they are and what they do. Some children of narcissistic parents become the same: “We’re better than they are.” This sense of grandiose entitlement, however, is almost exclusively based on superficial, egotistical, and material trappings. They feel more important because of materialistic things or status they have in the society.

Dependency
Narcissistic person is strongly dependent on others. The dependency can be emotional, physical, or financial. They are trying to make you dependent on them (possessiveness, manipulation), so they can control you. One common tactic to do that is to infantilize you. This can be as direct as making you feel incompetent every time you try something new, or it can be as subtle as always stepping in and offering to do something you can clearly do for themselves. Unfortunately, this behavior rarely stops even after you become an adult. In fact, it can sometimes become worse as the narcissistic parent fears their children’s growing independence and the end of their narcissistic supply.
On the other hand some parents expect their children to take care of them for the rest of their lives.

  • “My mom expects me to support her financially on an on-going basis. She says that she can’t live without me.
  • “Walking into my office, (I managed the number 3 top Allstate office out of 900 agents) not respecting my employees and still undermining me on how I need to go back to school and finish my degree or I will never make it in life. She homeschooled me and deliberately kept me from finishing school in order to keep me locked in her web of abuse. She took me out of school when I was 11 because she was about to have another baby and “homeschooling was a great option!” She had me working two full-time jobs at 16 and I barely had a 9th grade education when I ran away at 17.”
  • “I grew up a text book co-dependent, always looking outside of myself for validation. Since I was solely focused on my mother, I did not develop my own identity – it was given to me by her. My identity was based on my role. I had an “underdeveloped self esteem (no boundaries) combined with an inappropriate caring for others (invading a boundary), and an inappropriate reliance on another’s response (invading a boundary), in a negatively reinforcing loop.”

Humiliation
Narcissistic parent berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. She often latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you. “My mom made fun of my birth mark on my face all the time.” Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done. The contrast is left up to you. She’ll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or the way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. Being constantly put down or told that you are in a wrong rubs off on you and lowers your self-esteem.

  • “When I was getting more independent 16+ according to my mum all my friends were bad influences, my boyfriend was horrible, my choices of clothing was also too grandma for my age. When I started working she needed a wanted a contract phone so I got one for her. She ran up the bill which I had to pay for over £400.”

Golden child doesn’t shine so bright
Narcissistic parent often choose the favorite child or so called golden child. A golden child can’t do anything wrong, is the smartest and the best at everything they do. This is what the narcissistic parent believes and will enforce in their child. The other child (scapegoat) is seen as the black sheep, and the cause of all issues. Everything the scapegoat does is wrong, not as good as it should be, and they always have to take the blame. The scapegoat stands for everything that is not perfect in the family. The roles of golden child and scapegoat can also switch frequently. Consequently all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all.
The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her children’s’ relationships. While she may never praise you to your face, she will do that in front of your siblings. The end result is a family in which almost all communication goes through the narcissistic mother. Golden child can become narcissist himself but not necessarily. They can see the favoritism and feel guilty for it.

  • “It didn’t make any sense, my brothers were wonderful humans. They are much more talented than I am. I had very strong feelings of guilt. I watched the people I loved receive the rage. I felt like I should have been able to fix things. My mother would tell me to go to my room and be very, very quiet while she was taking her frustration out on them.”
  • “My brother was and is the Golden Child. He could do no wrong, he was the perfect baby, the perfect child, and when he wrecked 3 cars in a row while in High School, none of those accidents were his fault. I, on the other hand, was a disappointment. I “cried all the time when I was a baby”, my mother had to cut her college education short because I “cried at the daycare that she put me in”, I was “always losing things”, and she couldn’t have a pet “because the cat scratched me.”
  • “He was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and given two years to live. He has been depressed about this, but not for the reasons you might think. When he cried the most was when he was telling me how sad he was that he wasn’t going to be around for my sister, as she didn’t have a boyfriend yet and she needed to be trained on how to be attractive to other men. He then went on to blame me for not teaching her how to get a boyfriend as I’m her older sister. He especially put me down for not convincing her to get plastic surgery for her face.”

In case you want to deepen your understanding of your relationship with your parents, please take a look at my online workshop “Mending our childhood wounds and patterns” HERE.

This workshop will help you with understanding the patterns, roles and attachment you are having in your family dynamic and will shine the light on your behaviors and wounds you are carrying with you. It will also teach you how to deal with your emotions that will evoke through this self-discovery.

OVERLOOKED SYMPTOMS OF ANXIETY

Dec28

There is a lot written about anxiety and its symptoms. In my work, I notice few more indicators or symptoms that occurred often together with the anxiety. I decided to list them below. It doesn’t mean that you will have all the symptoms but it can help knowing that it’s not so uncommon to experience the following:

»I will die, go crazy or have heart attack« this is an obsessive thought that is common with anxiety. With time you will realize that nothing serious will happen while having panic attack but this thoughts will still pop up in your head. It is hard to get rid of them. It is very common that you have more than one intrusive thought. For example, »Will I have panic attack again?” or “How will I come through the day?” or “I am not strong enough«. Even if you proved yourself other vice time and time again you will still have this thoughts that comes to your mind.

»Pain«
Unusual or long persistent pain can cause fear that something is seriously wrong in people with anxiety.

“Unknown food or medication”
Thoughts that something bad will happened when we swallow unknown medication or eat new food are common.

“Sport”
Sensation when heart beads faster during sport can resemble panic attack. Which can begin real panic attack. Consequently many people with anxiety may avoid Sport.

“Swallowing”
In my work I have notice that ¼ of people with anxiety have fear of swallowing. Usually they have previous experiences with asthma or their throat becomes dry and tightens during panic attack.

“No escape”
Fear that you can’t escape form situation, feelings or place can cause enormous distress and anxiety.

“Smell, sight or sound sensitivity”
During panic attack many people have very sensitive sight, hearing or smell. It can even deepen their unpleasant feelings while experiencing the attack.

“Vivid imagination”
Persistent negative thoughts connected to us or significant other. For example, we are crossing the road and we imagine how we will get hit by the car. Imagination can get very detailed. I also notice that people with vivid imagination often report to me about fear of the dark.

HOW TO TRUST YOUR BODY AFTER (PSYCHOLOGICAL) ILLNESS

Dec27

In this article I want to write what I experienced through my own personal story and as well through the stories of my clients. The loss of trust in your own body. I want to point out two ways that I notice this can happen. The first one is the loss of trust after psychological disorder, mainly anxiety, because anxiety usually hits our body first. Meaning, we all the sudden feel like we are going to die. I believe all individuals with panic attacks were at some point 100% convinced that there is something wrong with their body functions. After a while they learned that they suffer from anxiety. But also having depression or other mental illness for a longer period of time can easily makes you feel that your body (brain) is broken.
The second way is losing your trust after physical illness such as cancer or different chronic illnesses. I also notice that people with anxiety mostly weren’t in touch with their bodies before anxiety happened. They learned to feel their body through therapy. But in case of physical illness this is not always the case. Never the less in both cases it feels like a huge betrayal from our own body.

How much control do we really have?
I often get the feeling that society in which I am believes that if you suffer from mental or physical illness the reason for it lies in you. For example “because you smoked you got the lung cancer”-which can be true. But reasoning like “because you work too much you got a cancer, because you weren’t vegetarian you got a heart attack” are a little too farfetched. There is always some room for improvement considering our life style. Not just in eating healthy and exercising but also in connecting to our bodies, understanding them, give them space and time to relax and heal. A lot of pressure is put to our bodies from toxins, stress, and unhealthy life style. For sure. But this is not the only reason why some diseases occur.
“Personally I knew what my body was capable of. I was the picture of perfect health and fitness and the most severe illness I ever had was the flu. I had never broken a bone or had stitches and found myself proud of that. Then, on December 27th, 2004 everything changed. I was 24 years old and I was just told that I had a precancerous polyp in my colon and had to have surgery to remove it. What? Surgery? A colon polyp? My mind was a jumbled mess of confusion. But I did EVERYTHING right AND I was only 24 years old. Isn’t colon cancer something old people get? It shouldn’t have come as such a huge shock being that my older brother was just over a year in remission for colon cancer, diagnosed at the age of 26 but it was happening to me and it was. A shock that is. “
To conclude, sure we can do a lot for our health. And of course we can get sick because we are not taking care of ourselves. That is a positive thing, because we can actually do something about it. But to believe that everything what is happening to us is somehow our fault is to extreme. Maybe we would like to believe that we have so much control but unfortunately we don’t. And probably realization we don’t have total control awakes feelings of fear and distrust in our body after illness.

Where is my old body and old self?
Whenever you are faced with illness or an injury you are also faced with change and change is hard to accept and deal with. “I once felt so strong, so invisible and now I was left feeling like a stranger in my own body. My body was different. Now I barred a scar about 6 inches from my belly button to the top of my public bone, I had a bag connected to my stomach (that I had to go to the bathroom in) and I could barely walk a quarter of a mile without feeling tired.”
It is really hard not just to adjust to our new physical appearance but also to the feelings connected with the change. Sometimes we deal with it by forcing our body to behave the way it was before. “So, I got militant, mean, and aggressive to make sure that these crazy things didn’t happen again. I tried to shame, criticize, and force my body to be something different so I could finally be back to where I was before illness!”
It is completely normal to miss our old self and our old abilities. It is normal to envy other people that still have them. The illness changes your perspective on life and brings a lot of fear-fear of dying, fear of repetition, fear of not being able to live normally, fear to never feel good again, fear of how I am going to make it, fear of taking your own life. You can feel on your own skin what it means to be unhealthy. What a tremendous change it is. A lot of people need to redefine their lives on many areas and this is not easy at all and we can’t always be in peace with our new normal. That is the reality of the situation. Sometimes the lost is so big that we are never completely fine with it.    

The trust is lost
When we are surprised by illness or psychological condition the trust is broke. More so if we live a healthy life style. It feels like it caught us by surprised. Why me? I am doing everything right. “Your cancer was probably discovered when you thought you were healthy. It’s frightening to realize that you had a life-threatening disease without even feeling ill – and it is natural that you now notice every ache and pain and worry you won’t spot the signs of cancer coming back. And treatment has changed your body, so you are also experiencing a new set of strange and unfamiliar sensations.”
I’m a fitness instructor and had exercised all the way through – I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I eat healthy. I felt angry and betrayed by my body. I thought: how dare you! I’ve looked after you so well and now you’ve done this to me again. First time round I had counselling, but strangely it’s easier this time because I know what to do and how to look after myself.’
“I don’t trust my body after my cancers. No way. First I was betrayed by breast cancer and then by melanoma on the opposite side of my body. We worry about cancer coming again, and we wait hopefully for solutions—sooner, rather than later. We all want to get along with our bodies, or at least call a truce.”
“With my experience of illness came a lack of trust in its ability to heal and stay healthy. I lost all trust that it was able to do its job.”
I choose this examples because you can literally feel it how deep the betray feels and how unsure we are after experiencing mental or physical illness.

Learning to trust again
To heal your relationship with your body, you must reclaim body trust. Unfortunately for many the trust was lost way before illness. Or better said the connection was broken through well meaning parents, the medical establishment, a toxic culture, trauma, and dieting behaviors which make us less trusting of our bodies as we age. We end up turning away from our bodies. You can try to make better relationship with your body through different ways. Not all at once of course.

  • I cannot stress enough that it takes a lot of time for learning a new way of existing within your body. You really need time to heal and time to adjust. It is very common that you push your body too hard to soon. “I slowly gain my strength back. I rushed back to the gym only to find myself with a hernia and back in the hospital.” It is very hard not to rush back into your old ways of existing. On the other hand it is also very hard to accept if time doesn’t help and you are not able to go back to normal. “Fitness was my life. I opened a gym and was working out and teaching classes all the time. Then I got a heart condition. At first it looked that the operation will solve everything and I will be back to normal very soon. It didn’t turn out that way. I am struggling to find any meaning in life. What will I do if not fitness? I feel mad, betrayed and lost.”
  • We normally focus on what we aren’t able to do anymore. How many times I hear in my office: “Before panic attacks started, I was able to drive without a problem or I was active and running around the city all day long. Now I am afraid to go to the grocery store.” If the things doesn’t fall back to normal in decent amount of time we feel frustrated. And I agree, we need to grieve our old life as well as we can focus on what our body is able to do despite the difficulties. Something so “little” like we are able to walk or we are able to come to therapy despite anxiety counts.
  • Although I don’t believe everything is preventable with a healthy life style many of illnesses and psychological disorders get better with healthy, organic eating, moderate exercise and self-care (bath, good book). “Many of us, as cancer survivors, vow to take better care of our bodies after cancer treatment, and data does show that this helps lower the risk of recurrence. I work on healthier eating and physical movement. Fear was a great short-term motivator, and I was extremely fearful. After active cancer treatment ended, though, fear was not a good long-term motivator for me. My psychotherapist says fear is not a good long-term motivator for most people. It isn’t sustainable.” Fear shouldn’t be our only motivation we need to realize that it will be quite a bit of work to maintain healthy life style and falling off the rails is something that is expected.
  • Learning to listen to your body. Our body is sending us signs all the time. Mostly we ignore them because “we can’t rest now, we can’t eat now, we can’t bread now because there is stuff to do.” I love to give my clients one exercise that drill us to listen to your body more: Before you eat ask yourself how hungry you are from 0-10. After eating ask yourself again how hungry you are form 0-10. This is one example how we can start. With asking our body: “Hi, how are you, tell me what you are saying.” I suggest that you checking in regularly, acknowledging what is needed, and acting accordingly. “I was still disconnected from my body. Sure, I was eating at regular intervals throughout the day, but it still had very little to do with my actual appetite cues. It was more of a prescribed regimen for eating. Thus, I ate pretty much the same thing every day because I knew how it would make me feel, and I trusted that it was the “right” amount for my body to maintain its current weight. It was also hard when I had a food craving for something out of the norm.” The body sends us signals about its internal state. “All the discomfort and discombobulated symptoms I felt during my descent into depression and anxiety were by no means my fault but they did give me clues to what I needed in order to start healing”. This clues are not the same every day. We cannot put our body to regime-this is just another form of not listening to what it is saying. Our body will tell us what and how much of it is needed.
  • I believe there is nothing wrong to go to the doctor and check if your fears (something is wrong with my body) are real. It is ok to go and check for calming your mind. It is a part of healing process and trust me with time, work on yourself and positive experiences the checkups will be less frequent. “When I am afraid of my body, I try to get reacquainted with it. I hug myself and tell myself it will be OK. When something concerns me, I allow that it is OK and rational to go see the doctor right away, especially given my history as a cancer survivor. There is no point in letting worry eat away at me. On the days that I don’t like my body, I focus on something else or face up to everything that happened and honor my scars with massage and lotion. I try to make peace with my body. It is an ongoing process for me.”
  • Touch is very important. And a very good way to connect with your body. Your touch and touch of others. “I schedule regular massages and other self-care activities such as Epsom salt baths, facials and manicures.”
  • Sharing your experience has tremendous power in healing process. You can speak about your experience in therapy, with friends and family or take it the step further and speak in public or teach others about what you are going through.
  • Build trust by engaging your body in mental conversations about your desire for the two of you to cooperate and overcome the ailment. You can lay down comfortably and close your eyes. Imagine your body laying down. Start talking to your body in your mind and imagine what your body would answer. Listen to it and ask questions. Tell him how you are feeling and why you are hurt by it. Tell him also what you love about it. Mental conversation should be a regular thing between you two. It is like maintaining a friendship.
  • Find a balance between fighting for recovery and quality of Life. Managing your symptoms and working on your recovery can be a full-time job which leaves little room for anything else. Without joyful moments it’s harder to cope with hardship and to stay motivated during the long process of setbacks and recovery. Try to nourish your soul and take the “time off” from your recovery. I am not advising to go off the diet, exercise plan, medication etc. just a couple of hours or days to refresh yourself. Take a trip, go to sauna, have a tea with a friend, help in animal shelter, make art etc.
  • Practice self-compassion which involves being kind to yourself and recognizing that you’re not alone in your suffering can reduce self-blame. One way to cultivate self-compassion is to treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend going through a similar situation.
  • You decide what makes your body comfortable and give your body positive experiences again. It is like you re-teach your body through pleasant sensory information. This often involves being intentional about where you take your body and what you expose it to. “I often met up with a trusted girlfriend as I recovered from the hardest stretch of my twenties, and we’d just go get a cup of herbal tea at the local Coffee Bean. With the familiar ambiance, the soothing beverage, and my dear friend’s company, I felt safe and cared for while also technically being “out and about”.”

Healing
Healing is a process, not an event. Regaining trust when it has been lost takes time and is not all that different from how we rebuild trust in any other relationship.
One thing that is very important is to realize that it is normal to feel anxious when you are not 100% if illness, cancer, asthma or anxiety will resurface. It is normal to fear the unknown. Most people get uncomfortable when they don’t know what to expect. To make your fear of unknown milder you can “prepare” yourself for it. I don’t have doomsday preppers in mind but just gathering valid information, write down in diary what you will do in case certain event happens again. Also there is a good visualization exercise that you can practice. Visualize your body in the unknown, fearful circumstances and imagine how your body is getting more and more relax.
It is important to realize that fear will come back. Yes, you can move forward and heal from the experience but that doesn’t mean that this didn’t happened. Especially in the first few years you will be triggered by news, similar stories around you and your body sensations. “Anticipating a check-up, or the news that someone you know has been diagnosed, had a recurrence or died, can bring it all back. As time passes, there are days when it goes out of your mind, but the milestones are hard.” “Fran was approaching her five-year anniversary when she found another lump. It took me straight back to a really dark place. Thankfully it was fine, but it made me realize how vulnerable I feel.”
In my practice I notice that when our outlook to circumstances starts to change two “parts of us” emerge. One is “old part”-the anxious one, the one with intrusive thoughts, have a lot of fear and distrust, doubt that things will ever change. And the “new part”-encouraging one, one that sees change and is more optimistic, the one who believes that there is a light in the end of the tunnel. With therapy, persistence or regular practice the “old part” becomes weaker. Consequently even when the fall back occurs the new part helps you to go out of anxious feelings much quicker which makes your trust in you and your body even stronger. “I’ve done a lot of soul searching, had a lot of therapy, and done a lot of work on myself over the years and I’ve made immense progress. But I have come to realize that the roots of self-doubt and insecurity are planted deep and they don’t die easily. I don’t always know what wakes those sleeping roots up, but inevitably, every now and then, they awaken. And I struggle again. I start to feel unsafe again. The ground begins to feel unsteady and I lose trust in myself again. “
When people talk about recovery from illness, they usually refer to being fully healed and getting back to normal life. But in reality, regaining your former health and resuming your activities isn’t always possible. Some suffer from health problems that cannot be cured. Recovery is not all or nothing deal. You decide what recovery means to you in a sense of realistic expectations. One thing I am sure of: working on your trust will make things better even if the trust will never be fully regained.

 

 

REMEMBERING TRAUMA DURING PREGNANCY AND PARENTHOOD

Dec23

Pregnancy is a time when our body and minds go through changes. Most of this changes are out of our control-meaning our stomach and breasts are growing, our hormonal levels are changing and our body will push the baby out whether we like it or not. Body memory can be awaken when a woman’s body starts to change during pregnancy. Transformation to parenthood can evoke feelings and memories that we weren’t ready to deal with in the past or even memories that we didn’t realize that we have.  Especially early memories are not clear, but they are talking to us through our body and emotions. In early childhood we didn’t have words to express ourselves, instead we were showing things with our body and sounds.

Feelings about your upbringing
During this time it is not uncommon that good or bad memories are awoken in us. In this article I will focus on traumatic events but at the same time I want to point out that positive memories are also awaken during this time which connect us to our parents even more.
I would like to separate conscious memory from the one that is unconscious. The first one is not in our minds all the time but it comes to live when we are becoming a parent. For example: “Seeing how my husband interacts with our child reminds me of the relationship that I never had with my dad.” Looking at their interaction she was remembering the void that she felt as a child.
On the other hand unconscious memory can come to us through our body memory and feelings that can be felt also on physical level-as a tension, stomach irritation etc.
“All of the sudden I experienced a fear that I will be jealous of my daughter. I secretly wanted a boy because I was so scared that this may happen. I was going through my mother’s jealousy of me and fear that despite all the knowledge and experiences I will feel the same way towards my daughter. The memory came to me through my body. I clearly felt my mother’s jealousy and her burden of raising me. Although the fear of continuing the pattern troubled me, I felt relieve that it was not all in my head but it was actually what was really going on in my childhood.”
Becoming a parent can awaken feelings and memories that you felt as a child about your own relationship with your family.  Any developmental stage of your child can evoke memories in you. Some people doubt the accuracy of this memories. It is true that memories are not objective representation of what really happened but I believe there is a lot to it. It is your reality. You can grab the opportunity and work on long forgotten memories and feelings that have awakened in you. When my client made a sense of her fear of being jealous of her daughter it brought relieve to her. In her own mind she got a confirmation that her suspicious of her mother’s jealous was real. Maybe she would never get that confirmation from her mother. Probably also the mother didn’t realize it either.
Sometimes there is a thin line between conscious and unconscious memory. Once that unconscious (body) memory is triggered it can feel very familiar to us. It feels like it was always there in the beck of our minds. On the other hand during the pregnancy and parenthood unconscious memories that we didn’t know that were there can be awoken.

Traumatic memories-sexual abuse
Pregnancy draws attention to a woman’s body, particularly to sections of her body that she has kept private-her genitals, stomach and breasts. She is subjected to pelvis exams, a loss of body privacy, and finds herself the center of attention from strangers and (male) medical professionals. This can often trigger memories of sexual abuse or awoken feelings and memories of sexual abuse that we didn’t realize we experienced.
It is very important to take sexual abuse in consideration and to prepare as much as possible to potential complications. For example, researchers have found out that sexually abused woman:

  • has more health problems during pregnancy,
  • is more frequently in conflict with her partner,
  • experiences higher levels of anxiety and fear,
  • has more trust issues with the personnel during birth,
  • is also more prone to a caesarean section and other complications,
  • has statistically significantly higher number of complications,
  • experiences depression in the prenatal and the postnatal period much more often in comparison to others.

The following unpleasant feelings can also occur:

  • feelings of body betrayal,
  • feelings of physical intrusion and invasion,
  • flashbacks to the original abuse,
  • depression, anxiety or panic,
  • abuse memories resurfacing for the first time,
  • hostile feelings toward the fetus,
  • projecting feelings about the abuser onto the fetus,
  • feelings of guilt associated with her feelings,
  • feelings of shame associated with body changes,
  • survivor with PTSD can fear the intensity of her feelings,
  • fear that the child will be born deformed like her,
  • fear that the child will be born dead as a punishment or prophesy,
  • fear of being an incompetent parent,
  • fear of being an abusive parent.

In case the future mom is aware of abuse or starting to get flashbacks of abuse, it is very important to seek help. And if possible let other medical personnel know what is going on. The same can occur in future dads. Little research is available on the impact of sexual abuse on a man and his perception of fatherhood. But that doesn’t means that man can’t go through the same emotional crises as women.

In this article I wrote about memory that can occur when becoming a parent. Some of them are pleasant, some not so much. Some memories are very painful and we would rather avoid them and forget them once again. While pain and unpleasant emotions are very hard to hold and work through they are also a possible way to personal freedom.

Trigger
A trigger is a stimulus that triggers feelings of trauma. What triggers us is completely individual. Trigger can come from outside through one or more senses- sight, sound, touch, smell and taste. For example music can trigger an old memory. But we can also be triggered by internal processes such as stress.
Flashback
A flashback is a vivid, often negative but can be also positive memory that may appear without warning. It is usually pretty strong, meaning that you can lose track of your surroundings.
Body Memory
Body memory is a hypothesis that the body itself is capable of storing memories, as opposed to only the brain. Body memories are involuntary. Memories of incest or sexual abuse can be retained and recovered through physical sensations. Sometimes, the body memory is not always conscious because you may have been too young to remember or you have blocked the traumatic memory out.

 

Workshop: Emotional preparation for childbirth
Read about Birth Trauma

PART IV: INTERACTION BETWEEN BPD MOTHER AND CHILD

Dec21

In this article (Part IV) I want to take a deeper look at some of the research that was done regarding relationship between Borderline parent and children in comparison to mothers that don’t suffer from BPD.

Infants

Studies have found that interactions between mothers with BPD and their baby are characterized by insensitivity, high levels of intrusion, and low levels of positive response to infant distress. Mothers with BPD smile less, touch and imitate their infants less, and play fewer games with their babies. They often have difficulty identifying and appropriately responding to their children’s emotional state. These unmet psychosocial needs at critical moments of development increase risk of disorganized attachment and rob children of security, comfort, and safety from the very beginning of their lives. Newman and colleagues found that infants of BPD mothers aged 3 to 36 months were less attentive and less interested in interactions with their mother during a free-play interaction compared to infants of healthy control mothers.

Pre-school
Macfie and Swann examined mother-child attachment in 30 preschoolers (4-7years) in comparison to 30 children with healthy mother-child bond. They discovered that role reversal was significantly more likely to be present in the narratives of children with a BPD mother. More negative parent-child relationship expectations, such as the relationships characterized by danger and/or unpredictability were also found in the preschooler’s narratives. The children also exhibited greater fears of abandonment. Lastly, the children of BPD mothers also showed more incongruent (e.g. the child cleans his/her room then ruins it) and shameful self- representations (e.g. the child says he/she is bad) in the narratives.

School-age children
Different studies showed that children of mothers with BPD have more psychiatric diagnoses, such as ADHD and higher rates of BPD symptoms in childhood. These children also reported more cognitive and interpersonal vulnerability, such as a negative attributional style, ruminative response style, dysfunctional attitudes, self–criticism, insecure attachment style, and excessive reassurance seeking. Adolescents
Adolescents whose mothers had BPD exhibited more attention problems, delinquency, aggression, more anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. In general BDP mothers reported that they feel less satisfied, less competent and more distressed with their parenting abilities.

DSM IV criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
  2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
  3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
  4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving).
  5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
  6. Affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
  7. Chronic feelings of emptiness and worthlessness.
  8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
  9. Transient, stress related paranoid ideation, delusions or sever dissociative symptoms. (APA, 2000, pp. 292-293)
BPD can often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

My movie recommendation for understanding BPD dynamic: 
Mommie Dearest

In case you want to deepen your understanding of your relationship with your parents, please take a look at my online workshop “Mending our childhood wounds and patterns” HERE.

This workshop will help you with understanding the patterns, roles and attachment you are having in your family dynamic and will shine the light on your behaviors and wounds you are carrying with you. It will also teach you how to deal with your emotions that will evoke through this self-discovery.

PART III: TYPES OF BORDERLINE PARENT

Dec20

Experts wonders whether there are actually distinct types of borderline personalities. The minds are divided but experts still try to distinguish between the different types of BPD in academic literature as well as in popular one. In Part III we will take a look at both of them. Please note that this list of types serves as a guidelines and person who suffers from BPD can have a mix of everything.

Popular Literature
Dr. Christine Lawson in a book Understanding the Borderline Mother introduces 4 types of borderline mothers that fall into high functioning or low functioning category:

High-Functioning BPD Mothers

The Witch
The Witch is someone who acts out viciously when they feel threatened, rejected and criticized. This type of mother seeks power and control over others, and reacts with unpredictable rage. Family members live in fear of triggering her. Unconsciously she is consumed by self-hatred and tends to be extremely hostile and cruel towards their children. She tends to be self-obsessed and has little or no concern for others. The Witch has no remorse and will not apologize for hateful acts she has done to her child. At the base of their need for power and control is their intense desire to prevent abandonment. This particular sub-group of BPD is very resistant to treatment. It is not uncommon for their children to develop depression, shame, insecurity, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.

  • “There was a problem with my report card, showing I had a 0, even though I knew for a fact I had done the assignment. I didn’t have enough time to tell the teacher about it, so I would do so the next day, in order to fix my grade. I showed my Mother, trying to explain it to her, and even though I had a simple solution to fix it the next day, she proceeded to slap me across the face and scream at me for getting a 0, as well as proceed to call me lazy and not caring about my education. Yeah, I had the proof to show her I had done the assignment, could easily get my grade changed, and even then, I was still getting yelled at, grounded, and getting my things taken away. And slapped across the face.”

The Queen
The children of a Queen Mother are supposed to be her loyal subject. Queen needs to be the center of attention and uses her children to fulfill her own needs. “Pay attention to me! Love me, love me, prove to me you love me and do everything as I say!” If you disagree with her, don’t do as she says or you have your own needs, you don’t love her. Children are not permitted to have their own needs or opinions, and are not encouraged to become individuals in their own right.
She pretends to be a perfect woman who has it all together, independent, powerful, and in control of everything. They can be manipulative and vindictive and have a strong sense of self entitlement. They cross boundaries without recognition or regret. Inside they experience chronic feelings of emptiness and inability to self-soothe when distressed.

Low-Functioning BPD Mothers

The Waif

The Waif portrays the helpless victim, exhibiting how everyone is treating them and how they need protection. They can suffer from depression, anxiety, irrational fears, and feelings of vulnerability, helplessness, hopelessness and are prone to deep despair. But they are rejecting attempts by family members to help them. In this way, they passively control others and are generally unable to nurture anyone. 
They expect from the children to “save her” and believe that people are out there to get them and do not trust others. Children may feel that they can help if only they do more, learn more, and give more. Unfortunately the Waif continues to stay helpless as a means to control and avoid abandonment. She neglects her children, often they feel angry and alone and may develop codependency issues as adults.

The Hermit
Hermits may have a tough exterior and a superficial image of being confident, determined and independent. Except, they’re actually terrified of the world, and distrust everyone and are prone to rage and paranoia. They feel constantly betrayed by others and take criticism as a condemnation of who they are. Perfectionism is a hallmark of the Hermit, and they can rage or criticize (which they often do) when others fail to meet their expectations. They have no desire to go out in the world and have close friends outside of their family, especially their children. They gain their self-esteem from work or hobbies.

  • “My mother often said that as she got older, she became afraid of everything. We could never get her to try and go out with friends unless we took her out for coffee or shopping. We were the only real “friends” she had. And honestly, we were because we had to, or else, who else would she have?”

BPD types in academic literature

There were quite a few attempts to find different subtypes of BPD in academic research.

In The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder, Randi Kreger grouped BPD into:

  • Lower-functioning/conventional types is described as engaging in a lot of self-destructive behavior that requires frequent hospitalization. They are very low-functioning, meaning they may not be able to work or go to school. The author calls this self-destructive behavior “acting in,” an idea that correlates with the concept of internalizing symptoms.
  • Higher-functioning/invisible type is described as functioning well in most contexts, but engaging in a great deal of “acting out” behavior, such as verbal abuse, criticizing others or becoming violent. This description correlates well with the concept of externalizing symptoms.

One study examined types of borderline personalities based on a personality disorders that co-occur often with BPD. They categorized person in one of the 3 clusters:

  • Cluster A tended to engage in more paranoid thinking and eccentric behavior.
  • Cluster B tended to have more dramatic or arrogant personalities.
  • Cluster C tended to be more fearful.

Another study examined BPD subtypes in adolescent boys and girls. Interestingly enough study found reliable BPD subtypes in girls, but not boys. Girls with BPD tended to fall into one of the following categories:

  • high-functioning internalizing
  • depressive internalizing
  • histrionic and angry externalizing

Another study found three BPD subtypes:

  • withdrawn–internalizing
  • severely disturbed–internalizing
  • anxious–externalizing

Individuals with different presentations of BPD may respond differently to the treatment. In this study, individuals from the severely disturbed-internalizing subtype did not see symptom improvement with treatment, where those in the anxious-externalizing and withdrawn-internalizing subtypes did.

The last subtypes of BPD I want to write about is from T. Millon. He lists 4 subtypes of BPD:

  • The Discouraged Borderline looks like individual with Dependent Personality Disorder (codependent). They tend to be clingy, go along with the crowd, and walk around feeling somber and somewhat dejected. Deep inside however, there are often angry and disappointed with the actions of those around them. Scratch the surface, and that anger could explode, but they are much more likely to do harm to themselves by self-harming or even suicide. 
Some of the symptoms common to this subtype are: excessive dependence upon others, cycles of withdrawal and aloneness, passive, permissive, recurrent depression including tearful episodes (more common than rage episodes), anger can feel sudden and surprising to others, paranoia and self-persecution, more likely to deprive rather than indulge oneself, victimized, tendency to evoke sympathy, feelings of abandonment can invoke psychotic episodes, trigger desperation and suicidality, irresponsible behavior, uses drugs, alcohol, food, money, or sex for self-soothing, tendency to use fantasy to escape reality, gives away or destroys belongings, suffers from chronic or recurring illness or somatic complaints.
  • Impulsive Borderline seems to be a first cousin to the Histrionic Personality Disorder. These individuals tend to be flirtatious, captivating, elusive and superficial. They are highly energetic and seek out thrill after thrill. They are easily bored and seem to have it never ending appetite for attention and excitement. As their name implies, they will often act without thinking, getting themselves into all sorts of trouble. Such individuals can often be very charismatic and it’s easy to get caught in their spell. This type of person is in constant conflict with society. Bouts of violence are not uncommon. This person may have antisocial personality disorder as a co-occurring diagnosis. This person is operating in an Abandoned Child mode–a plea for attention, any attention–as well as an Angry Child mode. The Angry Child believes that other people deserve to be punished for his/her pain, and behaves accordingly. This type of person with BPD may have poor impulse control, abuse substances, or self-harm. On the other extreme he or she may not care about himself/herself, it’s all about what the other person thinks. This often results in extreme efforts to avoid disapproval and abandonment.
  • Petulant Borderline is unpredictable, irritable, impatient, and complaining as well as defiant, disgruntled, stubborn, pessimistic and resentful. They are torn between relying upon people and at the same time keeping their distance for fear of disappointment. They vacillate between feelings of unworthiness and anger. This anger can be quite explosive. This is a passive-aggressive person. He or she will injure himself or herself, either physically or emotionally, in an attempt to get needs met. This person has an unstable sense of self, a frantic fear of abandonment. They operate in an Angry Child mode. He or she is angry and will hurt friends and family as a result. They often doesn’t recognize the anger-the world is the problem, not them. They don’t know how to express their needs in a healthy way, so relationships seem to be a game of “If you really loved me” or “You should know what I want”.
  • Self-Destructive Borderline is marked by his constant sense of bitterness which they turn inward. They will often engage in self-destructive behaviors whether it is conscious or unconscious. Their levels of self-hatred can often reach monumental proportions leading them into all types of self-destructive behaviors, ranging from poor healthcare to reckless driving to performing humiliating sexual acts. This person often suffers from depression as a co-occurring diagnosis and is a self-injurer. This is a person who feels that no one cares, and reacts by not caring about himself or herself. They operates in an Abandoned Child mode. Since they don’t feel loved, they reacts in self-destructive ways in an attempt to feel something instead of nothing. They lives in terror of abandonment, is self-loathing, and has no idea who they are inside. Thoughts of self-injury or actions are a given in this type.

In case you want to deepen your understanding of your relationship with your parents, please take a look at my online workshop “Mending our childhood wounds and patterns” HERE.

This workshop will help you with understanding the patterns, roles and attachment you are having in your family dynamic and will shine the light on your behaviors and wounds you are carrying with you. It will also teach you how to deal with your emotions that will evoke through this self-discovery.

PART II: DAMAGES OF GROWING UP IN BORDERLINE FAMILY

Dec18

In the title of this article I used the word “damage”. This word is a good description of how children that grew up in Borderline Families feel inside – damaged. Let’s go into details, what kind of emotions, feelings and actions are hidden behind this word. Many people in counseling who were raised by a borderline parent end up struggling with anxiety, low self-esteem, issues with trust and intimacy and difficulties being vulnerable with others.

Mind reader
Children of BPD parents routinely become overly sensitive to the moods and needs of others. They needed to adjust to their mothers mood and predict how she would react. Many grew up being afraid of their mother. They are constantly doing “risk assessment” monitoring their mother’s moods so they can manage the situations and protect themselves from anger and drama.
In adult relationships they are responding to these invisible demands from other people. The problem is many times they are adjusting to something that other (healthy) person doesn’t expect them to. The “secret” demand is not really there like it was in their childhood. It is really difficult for them to go out of this mode and trust that nothing bad will happen if they don’t please the other. The realization that we are all adults, responsible for ourselves doesn’t come “naturally” to them.

Are my emotions real?
It is extremely hard not to doubt their perception for the children of BPD parent. Their perception was always questioned and their emotions were invalidated. This may lead to children who deny or question their emotions and emotional responses. If you are constantly told that what you are experiencing is not real you star doubting your feelings and your views of reality.
Children have a very difficult time expressing their feelings because they can rarely distinguish between their feelings and their mother’s feelings.
This doubt is also shown in the perception of their childhood. Did it really happen? A part of them doesn’t believe it fully because it was always denied by their Mothers who never took the responsibility. Furthermore in calm periods, when the parent is behaving better they begin doubting whether the bad things actually happened. 
In adulthood this can be triggered every time someone is disagreeing with you. If you are not a 100% sure into what you wish to say you rather pull back and doubt your truth. More over even if you are a 100% convinced that what you are seeing is a red picture, you can become convince you may be seeing it wrongly, perhaps it is orange after all. You need a constant reassurance from others that what you are feeling and thinking is valid and right.

  • “I’d been so entrenched in that fog throughout my childhood and early adult life that I was unable to see clearly the reality around me.”
  • “When I found out, in 2006, that she’d drained my trust fund, I was horrified. But on some level, I was also relieved: so much of the nightmare of my relationship with my mother had happened in secret that I struggled to know if it was even real. But now I knew it was. Now, I had proof, and I could finally leave her, with a clean conscience.”

Hard to leave
Children of BPD parents have a really difficult time to physically or/and emotionally move away from their parents. Because they were hearing how bad of a child they were when they wanted to be independent they have trouble moving away or cutting their mothers off. This guilt is binding them to their mothers and it is really hard to cut it off for good. In my practice I mostly see emotional bond that is the hardest to let go. They feel obligation to visit their Mom, speak to her, make sure that she is O.K. Although it is apparent that they are not doing this because they want to but because it is expected from them.

Overly critical

They act and feel like they are never good enough. Lack of self-esteem is very common with them. They are really hard on themselves and at times even brutal. It’s like they internalized their Mothers criticism and now they are treating themselves the same way.

  • “I grew up hating myself and relying on my mother for all of my self-worth.”

Illusion of love
The adult children of borderlines struggle with the illusion that they were loved when they weren’t. They feel lack of love towards their parent but they blame them selves for that. This loop is created because a Borderline parent gave them the constant feeling that they are not loving towards them because they are a bad, ungrateful children. They often ask “I must be crazy if I feel like this about my mother right” or “maybe I’m not a good enough child, if only I try harder, she will love me” not realizing they will never measure up in their mother’s eyes.

  • “I feel like a horrible daughter for having bad feelings towards my mother. Sometimes I even think it would be easier if she was just dead. I try to explain my feelings to my boyfriend or a friend and everyone seems to think she is the nicest person ever. She manipulates everyone. They all think I am just being dramatic.”

Fantasy World
Many escape to fantasy world during the childhood and if they don’t resolve what was happening to them while growing up also in adulthood. It is very common that they fantasize the death of a parent. Only children who were severely physically or/and emotionally abused have these types of fantasies. The fantasy is the only way to get out of the toxic environment.

  • “I escaped my childhood like most traumatized children do, by disassociating from reality and fleeing into fantasy. There were window ledges and shade trees that called to me, closets and woods—places I could get away to dream.”
  • “I remember playing Tom and Jerry cartoon nonstop in my head before going to bad. This way the only way I could calm down and fall asleep.”

Anger

Unadorned the guilt, doubt, feelings of unworthiness bring to a lot of anger towards Borderline Parent and their Childhood. They find it unfair (and it is) that they had childhood like that and all the problems that are coming from it. They feel angry that they need to go through the therapy while their Mother is not taking the responsibility. They feel angry that they need to face the pain while somebody else was the one who FUCKED UP.

  • “I’m angry that I didn’t have a childhood, that I witnessed horrible things, was abused in many ways, and that my relationship with my siblings took a toll. I’m just pissed. But more than anything, I’m angry that my mother will never really “get it.” She’ll never see or understand the pain she has inflicted. Really all I want is an acknowledgment of what she has done and the amount of work I’ve had to do to dig myself out of this bottomless pit she dug for me. I want an apology. And then I want to be left alone. I’ve had to try to come to terms with the fact that I will probably not get that from her. Which just fuels my anger. Ugh. ”

Fear of becoming like Mother
The fear of becoming just like your parent can increase with age. Some even deny their wish to become a parent because this fear is running so high. They are trying to prevent the pain that they were feeling when growing up. Maybe comparison to you parent is not that obvious at first but it can occur in small everyday stuff like “I am not drinking coffee like my Mom did.” To overcome comparison and realize that same or similar features don’t make you your parent is really challenging.

  • “I resigned to spend my life proving that I was not her. I’d place a mental check mark in the “not-my-mom box” when I hit a milestone. Attain a college degree. Check that box! Still speaking to my dad after age 21. Check! Not addicted to alcohol or painkillers. Check. In retrospect, being on constant red alert for mom-like tendencies was concerning.”

Relationships
Children of BPD parents have trouble with interpersonal relationships. It is very often that they develop codependent tendencies. They can also use manipulation to maintain relationships or over pleasing behavior. It is not uncommon that they find themselves in destructive relationships which bring them pain. They are being unable to create a true intimacy. They are preventing it through constant fighting, distance (emotional or physical), manipulation, codependency etc.
 Because they were often told that the World is a bad place and they have trouble to trust people. Also to trust that they are worthy of love.

  • “I just realized why all my relationships (platonic and romantic) are superficial and hence not long-lasting. I have constructed an invisible armor around me for protection. If they don’t get too close, they won’t hurt me.”
  • “I have a hard time voicing my opinion and saying when I think I’m right. I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years and I’ve changed a lot during therapy. At the beginning of this relationship, I was pretty submissive and didn’t want to cause any conflict. I am now becoming more confident in myself and feel okay with a little bit of conflict.”

Realistic expectations
Perhaps the most difficult thing to accept is that Borderline mother is not capable of insight and will never truly understand why her child avoids her or sets boundaries with her. She is not taking responsibilities for her actions and is making you feel like you are overreacting or she was doing you a favor. It is really hard to accept that your mother will never acknowledge your feelings or agree with you when she is in the wrong. Yet alone apologize .

  • “Why do you act guarded around me?” Child “Because you have hurt me in the past and I don’t want to be hurt again” “I hurt you! I don’t remember that. When?” Child “You used to hit me with a belt when I was a child”
  • “I don’t remember that. You are making it up. You lousy shit”.
  • “My mother could not apologize. She could not take criticism. When it came to discipline and power struggles, she had to win.”

What the future holds?
Unfortunately being raised in BPD Family makes you prone to the development of psychological disorders like depression, anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder and also Borderline Personality Disorder. Recovery from being raised by a borderline parent is often a lifelong process. Although it really gets better with time if you work on yourself. Being psycho-educated about what is going on is important first step towards understanding. You can only work on what you’re aware of.
I would recommend working with the therapies to help you deal with all the emotions, pain and feelings and give you the corrective experience. With time and many positive experiences you will be able to move away from the toxic dynamic. On that note it is also important to say that Borderline parents suffer as well. They have their own past traumas. That being said, parents are not off the hook for abusing their children. As an adult it is your responsibility that you take care of your own wounds before you become a parent. And it is very important that you start to take care of your childhood wounds, to stop the destructive cycle.

In case you want to deepen your understanding of your relationship with your parents, please take a look at my online workshop “Mending our childhood wounds and patterns” HERE.

This workshop will help you with understanding the patterns, roles and attachment you are having in your family dynamic and will shine the light on your behaviors and wounds you are carrying with you. It will also teach you how to deal with your emotions that will evoke through this self-discovery.

PART I: MY PARENT HAS A BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (BPD)

Dec17

In this series of articles I won’t talk about BPD but I will focus on the dynamic that is created when you are raised by someone who is struggling with BPD. Until now there was a belief that more women than man suffer from BPD. That’s why I will talk about mothers in this articles. But lately there have been studies that have shown misdiagnosis in male population. It is now believed that percentage between man and women with BPD is close to equal.
From the birth on, the connection between you and your child is very important. It is crucial for physical survival but equally important for psychological well-being of the child. Unfortunately not everyone is having luck with their parents which can lead to serious mental disorder.
Most people would not believe what goes on in Borderline families. The dynamics are intense, destructive, subtle and not readily apparent to the casual observer. BPD is fragile and unpredictable personality. They can be very successful but they struggle with interpersonal relationships. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse.
People with BPD are often described as a child in an adult’s body. These individuals can be incredibly immature and seem to be stuck at an early age of psychological and emotional development. Consequently BPD parents frequently parentify their children-meaning they make them responsible for their emotional and physical needs which is a form of a child abuse. While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression and anxiety that may last only hours, or a day at most.
A mother with personality disorder often lacks empathy, feels entitled, rejects personal responsibility for her behavior, engages in bullying and intimidation, is dishonest, has the relative morality of a small child, has chaotic and extremely dysfunctional relationships, has no sense of fair play and is completely self-obsessed. The borderline parent lacks insight and believes that she is the fine parent of an ungrateful child and goes to any length to prove that this is the case. But how is it to be on the other side? On the side of a child?

What dynamic is in BPD Family?

No space for you
Children of BPD learn to sacrifice their true selves because they need to be focused on her BPD parent in order to survive. They are emotionally or physically abused if they feel differently as their mothers. If they reject her offering (advice, suggestion, emotion) they are portrayed as a bad, ungrateful, disloyal children. Because of the attachment issues borderline mothers tend to smother their children and treat them as small extensions of themselves. Child learns quickly that it is best to get along otherwise there will be a conflict or the emotional cut-off. For a child who is dependent on their mother there is no other way then to sacrifice his identity and go along with her. The child interacts out of obligation. Autonomy, the freedom of self-direction and self-expression, is not welcome. The following examples shows how every situation turns out to be about her:

  • Teenager child is telling her Mom that he feels depressed. Her response: “What do you have to feel depressed about? You know what I was going through when I was your age”. The feelings and potentially serious condition of a adolescent are ignored and denied. “Mom, I cannot make it to dinner tonight, I don’t feel well.” Mother: “You don’t feel well? I am still suffering from the Cesarean Section they gave me so that you could be born.”
  • “Even when trying to confront the issue, any issue, it gets made all about her pain.”

Splitting

Common defense mechanism of BPD is splitting. Which means that a person splits off the good and the bad in themselves and projects bad onto others. This can also be a reason why your mom is denying all the bad she has done and has chosen to see only the good in her. 
In families splitting often occurs by having a good and a bad child. Borderline mother forced teams with the good child whom is required to behave like her. The all good child often feels guilty that they survived the abuse especially relative to a no-good child. This dynamic causes a toxic, estranged relationship between siblings. The lack of closeness is creating isolation, every member of the family is on it’s own. 
The splitting also occurs by being good one moment (idealized) and being completely bad the next.

  • “In our family my brother was always priced by my mum. He could get away with everything. Everything that was wrong felt on me and my sister. We were taking her emotional abuse. But to think about his relationship with our mom. He needed to be there for her in every moment, listening to her, defending her and sleeping in her bed till early teens.”
  • “My Mom always priced me when I brought home the good note. She couldn’t stop giving me the compliments. How smart I am, how she admires my determination and motivation for school. The moment I brought home a bad note, well it wasn’t really bad, but it was not the best, I needed to sit and listen how lazy I am, how I will never become anything.”
  • “I sometimes wonder if she will ever be able to have a conversation with me without saying something along the lines of, “You’ve hated me since you were a little girl.” And then she just calls up one day and all is well, as though she hadn’t just threatened to end our relationship a day before. Usually, I get split back to the light side (as I call it) when she needs something that she knows I can provide. Then I’m back to being a good person.”

She loves to help
With borderline dynamic there are three kinds of things connected to help.

1. She is often a valid member of a community. Willing to help everyone and give all she has to them. Sometimes she can literally give your things to somebody else in a name of help.

2. When it comes to helping you it often comes with a high price. The problem is the help is not being offered for truly altruistic reasons, but rather it is being offered to support the mother’s desired image of being a good mother. In case you reject her help it can be taken as an offense. Once you ask for help they can control you with that and try to win a fight with throwing it at you even years after. “oh, you can’t do this for me but I could help you get a job during collage.” The child quickly learns not to ask for help and tries to avoid his/her mom helping them because they know they will have to pay for it at some point or they will be paying for it forever.

  • “Besides the fact that she’s done this so many times it’s turned into crying wolf at this point, her method of asking for help “with a knife to my throat” also takes away any of the warm feeling that I might get from helping her.”

3. She expects of her children to help her or better said save her from every emotional or physical problem she is having. They often play “I am your mother” card. “oh, you don’t want to do this for me but I am your mother. You should take care of your parents.”

Neglect
Physical and emotional neglect is very often in Borderline families. People with BPD can be so absorbed in their own pain that they are incapable of taking care of their child. They can also escape to substance abuse or other addictions while leaving the child to take care of him/herself.

  • “My mom locked herself in her room for days. I was very afraid that she will do something to herself. I was forced to take care of myself and younger siblings and also spending my energy to convince her to come out of the room.”
  • “She rarely showed affection. She would also get onto my brother and me if we said, “I love you”, as she would scold us and say to only say that phrase if you REALLY mean it. She would never come to you and show affection. We would go to her for hugs and kisses. I remember trying to hold her hand in the movie theater and her pulling her hand away, looking at me funny.”

Rage
Rage outbursts are very common in BPD families.

  • “Once my father moved out and I became a preteen, something changed. My mother and I started fighting. We fought the way I remembered my parents fighting: brutal, out-of-control arguments that would last for hours. I couldn’t tell if this was normal or not.
  • “My mother would fly into rages, telling me how awful I was for hours, and then, moments later, would coolly ask me what I wanted for dinner, appearing to not even remember that it had happened. She acted like I was crazy, and so I assumed that I was. She took me to a child psychologist to deal with whatever supposed defects I had that led to us fighting so often. Then she pulled me out of therapy after a few sessions, when she got into a screaming fight with the receptionist.”
  • “My mother could turn her rages and sadistic behavior on and off like a light switch. She would instantly become “normal” the moment another person entered the room. My mother could be nasty as a snake to my brother and me and then turn it off and be sticky sweet to whoever is at the door or on the phone. Even at a young age, this behavior made me sick.”

Criticism
Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder often put-downs, insults and criticize their children.

  • “This is a woman who criticizes everything about me. From my “boring, plain, unadventurous” taste in clothes (not boring, just not enough like her), to my “annoying, inconvenient” pescetarian diet, to my need for a spiritual life (“religion is for weak, stupid people who need a crutch to get through life”). Although I am gifted with artistic talents that have won awards and put me on famous stages, nothing I do is ever done without a touch of criticism on my performance.”
  • “I became keenly observant of her methods, never questioned her authority, and strived to be the best at everything, because anything less was a massive disappointment in her eyes.”

But on the other hand they are unable to accept the criticism. They can even go against the law of physics if necessary.

  • “She didn’t see reason to change course if her direction conflicted with the instruction manual, or, say, the natural laws of physics.”
  • “In college, I finally grew brave enough to tell her she had a drinking problem, but after three pointless attempts at an intervention, my efforts seemed futile. Her reality, no matter how factually incorrect or emotionally unjust, was all she could see.”

Blame and guilt
BPD parent can use guilt tripping for many different occasions to achieve what they want. Often they use it because they are afraid of the separation and are making their child feel bad every time s/he wants to do or go somewhere on their own. They of course don’t forget to mention “how alone they feel and how bad of a child you are because you are not spending more time with her”. Although the time that is spend with her is mostly in conflict.
Consequently you grow up blaming yourself for everything-for your mothers mood, for unsuccessful relationships that you are having, for wanting to have time for yourself, for eating too much, for eating too little, for not being “more” successful, for…

  • “I proceeded to ask her why she always has to twist things to make me feel bad, and she proceeded to tell me that I should be ashamed of the way I treat her, and blamed me for making her feel bad. The meeting ended with her throwing her Christmas present, a check for the wedding (which she initially refused to contribute to in any way, and wanted me to invite about 5 of her personal friends) and some of my stuff through the window of my car, and tell me that she’s done.”
  • “Out of the blue my mom asks me what I think about my new Mother in Law. I tell her that I’m very happy with her, and that she is a kind, patient, gentle woman, who listens and gives good advice, and always roots for me. Well, I might as well have crashed the car at that point, because my mother’s reaction was horrific, and completely manipulative. She said, “Oh good. You must be so happy to finally have a mother that cares for you.”

Abandonment
Abandonment issues are at the core of borderline personality disorder. They view separation as betrayal. They can use many forms of manipulation to try to prevent it. One of the most common manipulations is playing a victim, making you feel guilty, threatening with suicide and having an angry outburst. Abandonment doesn’t have to be real it can be something completely normal for child’s development. Like having a sleep over at a friend.
There are also other ways that BPD mother tries to prevent abandonment. One of them is to make the child her best friend. They develop a relationship with a child that is preventing him/her to become an individual. She may look to this child for comfort and validation rather than the other way around. It’s difficult to tell where the boundaries are between the mother and the child. Both tend to cling to each other in fear that the other one will leave.
It can also take the form of infantilizing their children. The mother is unable to tolerate her child’s developmental growth toward healthy independence. They find it difficult to adjust their parenting strategies to match the developmental needs of their children. Oftentimes, children who are being infantilized may develop depression, anxiety, developmental delays and may even be misdiagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. In the extreme form infantilization can lead to Munchausen by Proxy.

  • “My mother always had a problem with either my Dad leaving (business trips, trips to see his family, extracurricular athletics) or her present husband (my step-father) going away. She stays home all the time, and presently has little to no friends.”
  • “There will usually be some kind of message or voicemail that doesn’t leave you the option of ignoring her, sometimes over-dramatizing what is going on to the point where it will make me panic, or at the very least, make it clear that I’m a horrible child if I don’t respond right away.”

Parental alienation
A mother with BPD may not be able to tolerate a loving relationship between her kids and their father. It is not uncommon for these mothers to speak poorly about their dads in an attempt to turn their children against them. The child can be used as a weapon to carry out her push/pull relationship with the father.

  • “Throughout my life, she looks for signs that I am “betraying” her with my Dad. She asks leading questions or comment about how I should or shouldn’t do something that might involve my Dad, testing me to see where I stand.”
  • “When my Dad showed me attention or gave me money to buy something nice for myself. She always punished me for it by silence for days or not giving me lunch money: “because your father already give you some.”

Jealousy
Mother with BDP is often jealous of her own children and sees them as a competition for attention, love, admiration and resources. The possibility that her child may be smarter, more attractive or popular can be very threatening to her.

  • “Even before that I could never bring anyone around my mom because she’d always find a way to make it seem like she was the perfect mom. The sickest part is that people would think she was this wonderful Christian women that could be the mom they never had. These people would confide in her and tell their deepest secrets and she’d share them with me. Trying to hurt me by showing me how much everyone loved her and wanted her.”
  • “I understand jealousy all too well. My mother actually slept with my first boyfriend to break us up. And she had a hand in my marriage crumbling as well.”

Control
There is a high need of control with BPD parents. They believe that they are entitled to unilateral control over the children. It is common that BPD mother sees the children as her property. She feels that everything that is going on in the family needs to go through her. In BPD families there are times with over-involvement, intrusive behavior and periods of withdrawn, avoidant behaviors. These behaviors may also manifest as oscillations between hostile control and coldness. It is quite common for parents with BPD to attempt to control their children’s behaviors, feelings, and actions to a degree that inhibits their child’s ability to develop independently.

  • “I always thought I had a great and loving mother who only wanted the best for me until I recently went to college. I realized it was more about controlling my life than actually wanting to help me. She was practically living through me. Every time I tried to tell her that she needed help, she became the victim and talked about how horrible of a daughter I was and all the lies I create.”
  • “I can’t make my own decisions because she always made them for me.”
  • “She always told me what to do and how to do it. How I should dress, who I should visit, with whom should I be friends, how should I prepared the food. She always corrected me in every way possible.”

Distraction
It is very common for BPD personality to find a way to distract themselves from reality of life. They turn to any kind of substance abuse and addictions, overspending, workaholism. Basically they can make every item their current obsession until they move on to a new one. They distract themselves from being left alone with their thoughts. It is very common that they struggle at nights when everything calms down.

  • “My mother is a shopaholic, and buys incredible amounts of stuff. She has purchased hundreds of hat boxes but she doesn’t wear hats. She purchased hundreds of shoes but she rarely leaves the house. As far as the eating, she is very, very overweight and binges on food through the night. She stays up all night and sleeps all day.”
  • “She also tends to really focus in on things that can distract her. When she was working, she obsessed with her work and left no time for any social life, and when she retired, she found new ways to stay constantly distracted”.

Center of attention
BPD personality demands attention at all times. They often creates high drama in order to get and keep the attention.

  • “On my wedding day my mother make it all about her. How her daughter is leaving her. She wept so loudly that we needed to stop the ceremony in order to calm her down.”

In Part I we saw what kinds of dynamics can occur in Borderline Families. In the second article (Part II) we will take a look at what kind of psychological burden a child who was growing up in Borderline Family takes with him/her.

In case you want to deepen your understanding of your relationship with your parents, please take a look at my online workshop “Mending our childhood wounds and patterns” HERE.

This workshop will help you with understanding the patterns, roles and attachment you are having in your family dynamic and will shine the light on your behaviors and wounds you are carrying with you. It will also teach you how to deal with your emotions that will evoke through this self-discovery.

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER (NPD)

Nov7
  1. Definition of Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

The term narcissism was first used in relation to human psychology by Sigmund Freud in his essay “On Narcissism” after the figure of Narcissus in Greek mythology (Golomb 2003: 18).
The Myth: One day Narcissus was walking in the woods when Echo (mountain nymph) saw him, fell deeply in love, and followed him. Narcissus sensed he was being followed and shouted “Who’s there?”. Echo repeated “Who’s there?” She eventually revealed her identity and attempted to embrace him. He stepped away and told her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life in lonely glens until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, noticed this behavior after learning the story and decided to punish Narcissus. Once, during the summer, getting thirsty after hunting, the goddess lured him to a pool where he leaned upon the water and saw himself in the bloom of youth. Narcissus did not realize it was merely his own reflection and fell deeply in love with it, as if it was somebody else. Unable to leave the allure of his image, he eventually realized that his love could not be reciprocated and he melted away from the fire of passion burning inside him, eventually turning into a gold and white flower (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissus_(mythology))
Narcissism is “a pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one’s self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one’s gratification, dominance and ambition.” (Vaknin 2003:18) The narcissist constantly tries to repair his injured self-esteem by adoring and admiring his gilded self. (Golomb 2003: 18)

  • Diagnostic criteria

There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions, styles, and characteristics – from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder. NPD is commonly diagnosed with other personality disorders, such as Histrionic, Borderline, Paranoid, and Antisocial Personality Disorders (Vaknin 2003).
The ICD-10 (International Classification of Mental and Behavioural Disorders) defines NPD as “a personality disorder that fits none of the specific rubrics”. It relegates to the category “F60.8 Other specific personality disorders”, together with eccentric, “haltlose” type, immature,        narcissistic, passive-aggressive and psychoneurotic (ICD-10).
American DSM-IV-TR defines NPD as “an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy”.
The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. Five (or more) of these criteria must be met for a diagnosis of NPD.
Proposed Criteria:

  • ‘Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
  • Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
  • Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
  • Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);
  • Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;
  • Is “interpersonally exploitative”, i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own goals;
  • Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
  • Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
  • Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, being “above the law”, and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.’ (Vaknin 2003: 19)

1.1.2. Short comparison with other personal disorders
As mentioned earlier NPD is commonly diagnosed with other personality disorders. In this chapter I will introduced short comparison with four other personality disorder.
Opposite from patients with the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the self-image of the narcissist is stable, he or she is less impulsive, self-destructive and concerned with abandonment issues. Also they are not as clinging as BPD patients (Vaknin 2003). Borderline and narcissistic patients both idealize and devalue others. But there is a different between them. BPD patient alternates between idealization and devaluation. For example, first they will idealize you, you will be the best therapist they ever had, and in the next session they will devaluated you, you will be the worst person they had ever know.  Nevertheless, the borderline patient cares about others. The narcissistic patient is more exploitative. Idealization is connected with expectation to satisfied patient’s grandiose fantasy. The minute expectations are not met, narcissist abandons you and looks for another one who will meet his grandiose fantasies (MacKinnon and others).
In short, on surface functioning of the narcissistic personality is much better than that of the average borderline patient. In general, NPD individuals are more capable of high, sustained achievement and will have more successful work history than the person with Borderline Personality Disorder. Both kinds seek attention, but unlike borderline, who seek nurturing attention, narcissist feel they deserve admiring attention because of their superiority (http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/differentialdiagnosis.html).
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) and NPD: Both personality types tend towards the demonstrative, exhibitionistic, dramatic and seductive in their behavior. Contrary to the histrionic patient, the narcissist is achievements-orientated and proud of his or her possessions and accomplishments. Narcissists also rarely display their emotions as histrionics do and they hold the sensitivities and needs of others in contempt. While the characteristic distinguishing feature of Histrionic Personality Disorder is coquettishness, the feature of NPD is grandiosity. Person with HPD is warm, playful, and spontaneous and can be dependent on others. These individuals are capable of love, empathy whereas those with NPD are not (Vaknin 2003; look at http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/differentialdiagnosis.html).
While persons with NPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) share tendencies to be tough-minded, glib, superficial, exploitative, and unempathetic, NPD are less impulsive, less aggressive, and less deceitful. All ASPD are assumed to have a narcissistic personality structure, but not all narcissists are ASPD. Unlike a person with ASPD, the person with NPD has not learned to be ruthless or competitively assertive and aggressive when frustrated. A critical distinguishing feature is that in ASPD, there are no feelings of guilt or remorse and as opposed to ASPD, few narcissists are criminals (Vaknin 2003; see http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/differentialdiagnosis.html).
Patients suffering from the range of obsessive-compulsive disorders (OCD) are committed to perfection and believe that only they are capable of attaining it. But, as opposed to narcissists, they are self-critical. However, someone with NPD is more likely to believe that he has actually achieved perfection. Shortly, the OCD seeks perfection, the narcissist claims it. The value systems of these two personality types differ as well: person with OCD has deeply held, rigid but genuine moral and socio-political beliefs. In contrast, the person with NPD might exposed such deeply held values but actually lacks any true commitment to them (Vaknin 2003; see http://www1.appstate.edu/~hillrw/Narcissism/differentialdiagnosis.html).

1.1.3. Defense mechanism
Over all narcissists intended to protect true self from hurt and trauma. He creates False Self which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient, through which he regulates his self (Vaknin 2003). To maintain that state, narcissists develop different defense mechanisms. There are three defense mechanisms that are the most common for narcissists: splitting, graciosity and isolation/distance.
Graciosity: narcissist creates relationships only with people who admire them or who he admires. Consequently he is afraid that others will disappoint him or demand attention for themselves. When attention is turned away from them, they distance themselves and leaves the relationship (Praper 1996: 180).
Distance and isolation: narcissist doesn’t realize that he is hurt and wounded. When they got the feeling that others don’t see them as perfect, feeling of inferiority is awaken in them. They are unable to take criticism and take a distance when this happens (Praper 1996: 180).
Splitting or black and white thinking can be seen as a developmental stage as well as a defense mechanism, which is also common in NPD. Narcissist believe that they need to be admired by others. The ones who don’t admire them are categorized as bad. Their ego is not capable of accepting good and bad objects in one person (Praper 1996, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_%28psychology%29#Narcissistic_personality_disorder).

1.1.4. Types of narcissism
We all go through narcissistic developmental stage in our lives. As infants and toddlers we all feel that we are the center of the Universe and it is impossible to imagine that our needs wouldn’t be met (Praper 1996). Here we talk about primary narcissism, where toddler doesn’t separate the mother from himself and he depends on her to satisfy his primary needs (Lasch 1979: 79). Both self and others are viewed immaturely-as idealizations (Vaknin 2003). Gradually toddler gains experiences that everything cannot be the way he wants. He realize that there are obstacles in the world, which brings him little disappointments and make him overcome primary narcissism (Praper 1996).
Secondary or pathological narcissism is a pattern of thinking and behaving in adulthood. It manifests in the chronic pursuit of personal gratification and attention, in social dominance and personal ambition, bragging, insensitivity to others, lack of empathy and/or excessive dependence on others to meet his responsibilities in daily living and thinking (Vaknin 2003). Lasch says that this type of narcissism tries to destroy painful disappointments in childhood and cover the childs rage towards people that hurtled him. (Lasch 1979: 79)
Manfield differentiates the exhibitionist type and cover narcissism, both belonging to secondary narcissism (Praper 1996: 178):
The first type is exhibitionistic type. Children during childhood get a lot of support in their grandiosity but there is no room for individuality and true feelings. This type is common for families with one child. Investment in one child raises grand expectations. The child should be born genius, and should use every opportunity to demonstrate this to others. When not acting as expected, he can be roughly rejected by his parents. Avoiding rejection, he continues to be brilliant, perfect, sweet. He also requires that others treat him as special (Praper 1996: 178).
The second type is the disguised type. The child has experienced that grandiose ideas are unacceptable. He learns to hide any such feeling and behaviors. However, he still develops perfectionism and hypersensitivity to criticism. The need for superiority is suppressed while suffering from feelings of inferiority. The truth is that he in fact doesn’t believe that he is inferior (Praper 1996: 179). The disguised type appears humble and modest, so impressively weak that it isn’t difficult to overlook the hidden grandiose self (Praper 1996: 223).
Also Millon distinguish 4 subtype of secondary narcissism in the following photo:

Table: Narcissistic Personality Subtypes (available at: http://www.millon.net/taxonomy/summary.htm)

  1. Origins of narcissism 

NPD has been considered as pathology of self as formation of pathological development of identity (Praper 1996: 175). Considering the work of Otto Kernberg, narcissism is an ego distortion. Ego functions enable us to observe our self and environment. With narcissism, the ego is unable to develop observations from environment in to cohesive picture of self (look Praper 1996: 176). Kernberg sees narcissism as a defense against feelings of individual anger and abandonment, stemming from the child’s rejection. As a result narcissists are distrustful and incapable of relying on others. Their relationships are marked by jealousy, control, and withdrawal (Žižek 1987: 118-119).
By Kerenberg, pathological narcissism originates from the serious frustrations in separation phase (Praper 1996). Kernberg points out that narcissism is a result of permanently cold parental figures, which express indifference or hostility towards the child. This inadequacy is reflected in their tendency to inflate their self-image (Otway and Vignoles 2006).
Kohut believes that narcissism is a normal aspect of infantile development. The child’s self-grandiosity is supported by mirroring and idealizing relationship between child and parent. If these needs are not met, the child as an adult may appear poorly adapted to adult forms of narcissism (Otway and Vignoles 2006). He also believes that the loss of the object that would allow binding and idealized mirroring force the person to direct fantasy only to himself. Therefore, the NPD is looking for a person who would idealize him. Hoping that through the binding with others, he will achieve the feeling of coherent self. In reality he is looking for mother’s admiration that was not there (Praper 1996, 177). The secondary narcissism happens because the process of archaic infantile narcissism to a healthy adult narcissism is interrupt. (Otway and Vignoles 2006).
By Winnicottu, the reason for narcissism is the lack of empathy and harmony between parent and child. Another reason can be overly intrusive behavior from the parent. Child develops a false self, which protects the true self from intrusion and damage. Therefore, narcissists always offer impeccable false self and protect himself against feelings of inferiority (Praper 1996:177).
Millon’s theory opposes to mentioned theories which believe that negative relationship between child and parent is reason for narcissism. Instead, Millon says that the reason is the excessive attention of parents, over-pampering, forbearance and admiration. Parents show unrealistic judgment of the child’s abilities, thereby increasing children’s self-image, which the environment does not necessarily support. Despite the differences in the theories, all believe that narcissism is a result of dysfunctional childhood experiences. (Otway and Vignoles 2006)

  1. Personal attributes

Main personal characteristics which are normally found in NPD:
Sensitivity to criticism: patients with NPD feel injured, humiliated and empty when criticized. They often react with devaluation, rage, and defiance to any5 real or imagined criticism. They are incapable to tolerate setbacks, disagreement, and criticism. (Vaknin 2003)
In personal relationships narcissist is not capable of attachment to others. He depends only on recognition from others. He doesn’t t trust people because he has pathological fear of over-dependency on others. That’s why he usually have short love relationships that in his mind shouldn’t be too stressful or emotionally demanding (Žižek, 1987). The relationships are typically impaired due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense of entitlement, and constant need for attention (Vaknin 2003).
Narcissist is unable to enjoy because he connects enjoyment with others. Enjoyments starts when others notice his enjoyment. A narcissist is totally external, which indicates inner emptiness and loss of their identity.
Narcissist is incapable of mourning. They are not able to converting rage, because of the loss, to the mourning. He is only able to forget the lost object, or to determine that in fact he didn’t like them anyway. After that he directs his energy towards new person.
For narcissist, the availability of people is taken for granted. To this type of person you are not a person with feelings, you are a ‘thing’ to feed off and sustain their existence.
Narcissist use manipulation to get what he wants. He knows exactly which manipulative tactic is going to work best in which situation. When he wants something from us he pays attention to us but the moment he doesn’t need us anymore he acts indifferent toward us. Narcissists work within win-lose strategy. They believe their world is positioned to serve their insatiable needs. (Žižek, 1987; Tonia Evans 2008)
Being perfect: narcissist has a fear of failure, for example loneliness and aging. That’s why they take care of their body, trying to stay young  and be under the spotlight-so they won’t get lost in the crowd of average people (Žižek, 1987).  They are either “cerebral” (intelligence or academic achievements) or “somatic” (physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical “conquests”) (Vaknin 2003). Which means they are trying to be perfect in physical appearance or in intellectual accomplishments.
Narcissist in society: narcissist sees himself as some kind of an exception. He seems adapted to the social norms but he doesn’t take them seriously. He plays this game just to avoid punishment and be successful in the society. He is convinced that everybody else is doing the same-“everyone is wearing masks, social life is just a game” (Žizek, 1987). A narcissist sees the admired person as “an extension of themselves.” If that person refuses them, they “immediate experience hatred and fear, and devaluate previous Idol” (Lasch 1979: 155-156). A narcissist avoids intimacy and associates only with people who are, like himself-perfect (Praper 1996: 180). Žižek mentions three types of other people, separated by the narcissist:

  1. The ideal-other: they expect approval and recognition, he identified with them
  2. Enemies, who are preventing his narcissistic affirmation, so they must be destroyed
  3. All the rest, the mass of people, ”suckers”: a grey average, which is here only to take advantage off and then reject them (Žižek 1987: 111).

 

  1. Narcissist as a patient

Several different approaches to individual therapy have been tried with NPD patients, ranging from classical psychoanalysis to Gestalt therapy. The emerging consensus is that therapists should set modest goals for treatment with NPD patients. Most of them cannot form a sufficiently deep bond with a therapist to allow healing from early-childhood injuries as a matter of fact they rarely turn to therapy at the first place (Frey, 2010).
“As of 2002, there are no medications that have been developed specifically for the treatment of NPD. Patients with NPD who are also depressed or anxious may be given drugs for relief of those symptoms (Frey, 2010).
Kerenberg noticed that narcissistic patients shows excessive self-centeredness, over dependency on admiration from others, prominence of fantasies of success and grandiosity. They avoid facts that are contrary to their inflated image of themselves. A narcissistic patient due to the pain of isolation protects himself with a position of self-sufficiency. They don’t let people emotionally close (Kerenberg, 2007, 505; Praper 1996:223).
They suffer from inordinate envy, which is conscious and unconscious. They show greediness, exploitative behavior, entitlement, devaluation of others, and incapacity to really depend on others. But ironically they need the admiration of others. They show a remarkable lack of empathy, shallowness in their emotional life and lack of capacity for commitment to relationships and goals. Also their self-esteem is regulated by severe mood swings. They have chronic sense of emptiness and boredom which they try to escape through eating, drug and alcohol use. In addition, their tendency to criticize and devalue their therapists (as well as other authority figures) makes it difficult for therapists to work with them (Kerenberg, 2007, 505, Frey 2010).
Patients with NPD may present typical complications of this disorder, including sexual promiscuity or sexual inhibition, drug dependence and alcoholism, social parasitism, severe (narcissistic type) suicidality and parasuicidality (=their aim is not to die). For instance, a patient with NPD tends to become depressed when his feelings are badly hurt, when his defenses have let him down and when he believes his world is collapsing. When wounded, he is at the greatest risk of acting out, either against himself or others. A patient experiencing a narcissistic rage may become homicidal, particularly if he has a need to seek revenge. Under conditions of severe stress and regression, a narcissist can experience significant paranoid developments and brief psychotic episodes (look Kerenberg, 2007, 505; http://www.lmars.com/n-personality-disorder.htm).
Using Heinz Kohut’s self-psychology model, the goal of therapy is to allow the patient to incorporate the missing self-object functions into his internal psychic structure. This process is called transmuting internalization. In this sense, these patients’ psyches are “under construction” and therapy is their building time. Empathy is being the key for making changes in therapy. Without it, the patient whose self is too weak to tolerate more aggressive interpretation, would not benefit from therapy and in fact may suffer more damage (McLean, 2007).
Therapists can recognize narcissistic patients by contratransfer. By feelings of boredom and emotional desertion. The therapist may become sleepy, absent, experiencing shame. He can react as all-knowing expert on life, competing with all the therapists that client had left earlier. When the client devalues him, he feels inadequacy and helplessness (Praper 1996:223).
“The prognosis for younger persons with narcissistic disorders is hopeful to the extent that the disturbances reflect a simple lack of life experience. The outlook for long-standing NPD, however, is largely negative. Some narcissists are able, particularly as they approach their midlife years, to accept their own limitations and those of others, to resolve their problems with envy, and to accept their own mortality. Most patients with NPD, on the other hand, become increasingly depressed as they grow older.” (Frey 2010)

References

LOSS IN CHILDHOOD, LOVE RELATIONSHIPS IN ADULTHOOD, part 3

Jun13

There is not a lot written on how beavered children form romantic relationships as adults. In the final section of the article we will take a look at behaviors in relationships that can occur due to the loss of a parent during childhood. When a child looses his/her parent the connection between love and loss is no longer separated. “Deep down I believed that all man will eventually leave me.” was wrote by forum user who lost her dad. Research showed that many bereaved children are more hesitant about forming romantic relationships in comparison to their peers. However most adults do find their ways of having a relationship despite the potential loss. Some ways are functional others dysfunctional. Here we will take a look only on the dysfunctions that may occur in a romantic relationship.

I am looking for a unicorn
Some of them are determined to find the love they once knew. They are desperately seeking and are determined to find unconditional love that will heal their inner child. “For some individuals, this search for “all-powerful” love can feel almost desperate. The individual believes not only happiness, but survival itself depends on finding the needed partner. “(Harris, 1995, p.155).
“We lost our father when I was 5 and my brother was 9. He has had very few relationships, while I have found that I was diving from relationship to relationship, hanging on to people who were bad for me – possibly looking to replace the male affection and protection I never received as a little girl without the father.”

I can’t lose you

Many form the relationship but the anxiety of losing somebody is persisting. “After 25 years of marriage I still pay careful attention if my wife will leave me for somebody else or die in a car accident.” People who have experienced the death of a parent early on can be sensitive towards experiencing future loss. They are also less resilient in facing the rejection. 
On the other hand fear of feeling the deep loss again can be controlled by not fully committing in the relationship. They are changing the partners quickly or leaving before they are left.

No love for me
Some don’t pursue romantic relationships at all. Although they can feel the need to be connected to another person they feel terror when they think about getting close to someone. It is also common that they are not able to feel their need for connection or they are denying it. “I don’t need anyone I am better of alone. I feel happy that way.”

BEAVERED CHILD AND SURVIVING PARENT, part 1

HOW DEATH OF A PARENT CAN TOUCH US, part 2