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Birth trauma

May29

Birth trauma refers to a distressing emotional or physical experience that can occur during childbirth. It is important to note that birth trauma extends beyond the events that occurred during labor and delivery. It also encompasses the feelings and emotions experienced by the mother afterward. Approximately one third of women go through such trauma. It is crucial to recognize that the perception of trauma is subjective and should be defined by the woman who has experienced it.

The Roots of Birth Trauma
1. The experience of traumatic birth is subjective. Each woman’s childbirth experience is unique, and what may be traumatic for one person may not have the same impact on another. Below, I am sharing a few potential events that can act as triggers for birth trauma:
Past traumatic experiences: Similar to how pregnancy can trigger past traumas (read my article about it here), invasive or non-consensual interventions during or after labor can make the birth experience traumatic for us.

2. Complications or emergency situations during birth: Lengthy or intensely painful labor, emergency interventions, inadequate pain relief, and experiencing injury during labor.

3. Poor postnatal care and lack of a healthy support system.

4. Postpartum complications: This includes issues like hemorrhage (excessive bleeding during or after childbirth), tears, or severe physical pain. Additionally, the birth of a baby with a disability resulting from a traumatic birth, the experience of stillbirth, or the need for your baby to stay in neonatal intensive care.


5. Healthcare system dynamics: The current health system often portrays patients as passive recipients, with healthcare practitioners holding the authority. This dynamic not only fosters a sense of control over women, but also perpetuates the acceptance of possible mistreatment.

6. Unnecessary and unwanted medical interventions: For example, undergoing a C-section to speed up the birth when it is unnecessary, or being manipulated into agreeing to certain interventions or procedures.

7. Staff attitudes during and after labor, for example, I have had numerous clients who were not traumatized by the birth itself, but by their hospital stay in the days following childbirth. Unfortunately, some staff members made them feel inadequate and instead of providing support with baby care and breastfeeding, they passed judgment. It’s important to note that this is not the case worldwide. In countries where the practice of “sitting month” is observed (as discussed in this article), women often have a different experience and receive more positive support after giving birth.

8. Lack of communication, such as not explaining what is happening during interventions. This experience of feeling unheard and disrespected by the medical team leaves them feeling unsupported throughout the birthing process. Additionally, there have been instances where women’s wishes were ignored by care providers.

9. Objectification: Some women have reported their childbirth experiences being treated as teaching moments for hospital staff without their consent. Such dehumanizing experiences can exacerbate the trauma associated with childbirth. Personally, I had a similar experience where I was not fully informed about the presence of a learning doctor during my birth. Although I felt protected by my husband and doula, it would have been nice to understand why he was just standing there.

10. Disregard for women’s bodily experiences like ignoring her pain and sending her home, minimizing their beliefs of being in labor or having the urge to push.

11. Expectation-reality gap: When our own, or society’s expectations of how our birth should look like, don’t align with the actual experience. For example, unplanned cesarean sections or the use of forceps, which may be necessary for medical reasons, can evoke feelings of powerlessness and violation.

12. Comparison among mothers regarding birth and the hierarchy of birth: Have you also felt this? I’m curious to know. There can be a subtle comparison among mothers and a hierarchy of birth experiences. Using language like ‘natural’ versus ‘unnatural’ can imply a hierarchy, which I don’t believe in. It’s important to acknowledge the diversity of childbirth experiences.

Am I experiencing birth trauma?
Women experiencing psychological birth trauma may exhibit various symptoms that can significantly impact their well-being. When any trauma overwhelms our nervous system, it manifests itself in experience symptoms of shutting down, such as dissociation, avoidance, numbness, or depression. Or in symptoms of hyperarousal, including increased vigilance and anxiety. Let’s explore some symptoms manifestation related to the traumatic experience of childbirth:

Hyperarousal and/or Reactivity: You may feel constantly on edge, easily startled, or have a heightened sense of vigilance. Difficulties in sleeping, feeling tense, or experiencing angry outbursts can occur. You might find yourself constantly being on guard, anticipating potential threats or danger, and having ruminating thoughts.

Numbness or detachment: You may feel emotionally numb or detached from your surroundings as a way to cope with the traumatic memories. It is not uncommon to avoid anything that reminds you of the traumatic event. This can include discussions about childbirth, medical settings or procedures, or even distancing yourself from friends, family and baby.

Psychological trauma often manifests in physical symptoms as well. You may experience changes in appetite, chronic fatigue, or unexplained health issues that cannot be attributed to a specific medical condition. It’s important to remember that after giving birth, some of these symptoms can be considered normal adjustments to the postpartum period. However, it is crucial to evaluate each person individually to determine if these physical symptoms are related to the trauma.

Flashbacks: You may re-experience the traumatic event through intrusive thoughts, vivid images, or nightmares. Certain triggers, such as visiting the hospital, hearing a baby cry, or even subsequent pregnancies or deliveries, can bring back traumatic memories of your birth experience.

Feelings of guilt, shame, or anger: It is not uncommon for women to experience intense feelings of guilt, shame, or anger related to their childbirth experience. You may blame yourself for not being able to meet certain expectations. It’s important to recognize that feelings of guilt and shame are often present in traumatic experiences. If you are experiencing these emotions, it can be an indication that you may be suffering from birth trauma.

If you find yourself experiencing postpartum depression, anxiety (article), or frequent angry outbursts following childbirth, it could be a sign that you have been through a traumatic birth.


How can we protect a mother from birth trauma?
Birth trauma cannot always be prevented, but there are steps that can be taken to reduce the risk. As you prepare for the birth, it is important to not only focus on the technical aspects but also on emotional preparation.

Workshop: Emotional preparation for childbirth


Take the time to reflect on your expectations and consider how you might feel if they are not met. Explore your feelings regarding possible interventions and discuss these questions with your partner, a friend, or a therapist. Engaging in stress-reducing techniques and creating a birth plan can also help you feel more prepared and empowered.

Creating a safe and supportive environment for yourself during childbirth is important. Remember, you are the most important person in this process. If possible, ensure that your birthing partner is prepared as well, serving as a bridge between you and the medical staff. Your partner can act as your voice and protector, safeguarding your space and advocating for your needs. If you and your partner are unsure or would like additional support, consider hiring a doula. A doula can provide continuous emotional and physical support throughout the birthing experience.

In addition to individual preparation, it is crucial for medical professionals to gain better understanding (and training) regarding an emotional-wellbeing of the mother and how important their role is in preventing birth trauma.

The responsibility lies not only with healthcare providers, but also with society as a whole, as the focus tends to be more on the newborn than the mother’s (mental) health. It is essential to address these systemic issues and work towards a patient-centered approach that prioritizes active participation, effective communication, and respectful treatment within the healthcare setting.

By taking these steps and advocating for yourself, you can help create a more supportive and empowering birthing experience. Remember, you have the right to be heard, respected, and actively involved in the decisions regarding your care.

In conclusion…
Birth trauma can have profound effects on women’s emotional well-being after childbirth. Unfortunately, the stigma surrounding birth trauma often leads to underdiagnosis and limited discussion of these experiences. Many women feel uncomfortable sharing their birth trauma, fearing judgment or the perception of being inadequate mothers.

By working with a healthcare professional or therapist who specializes in trauma, you can receive guidance and support in navigating the healing process. Remember, you are not alone in your experiences, and seeking help is a sign of strength.

SELF-GASLIGHTING

May9

Self-gaslighting is a phenomenon in which individuals manipulate their own thoughts and feelings, causing them to doubt their own perception of reality. This internal process leads to a relentless questioning of one’s thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and intuition, often resulting in self-doubt and self-criticism. Those who engage in self-gaslighting may heavily rely on external validation or feedback from others to gauge their worth and make decisions. It is important to distinguish self-gaslighting from gaslighting, the later involves another person manipulating someone’s perception of reality to the extent that they begin questioning their own sanity and memory.

Why does it come to self-gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting is a trauma response that occurs due to abusive relationships. Often, individuals who have been gaslighted by a parent or partner find themselves engaging in self-gaslighting. I have also witnessed self-gaslighting in clients who experienced neglect during their childhood. It is during these situations that individuals start convincing themselves that they don’t require anything or that having wants is somehow wrong. When someone constantly disregards your needs and desires, it can lead to the development of defense mechanisms as a means of survival in abusive circumstances. Through my observations, I have identified several defense mechanisms commonly associated with self-gaslighting:

  • Minimization is a defense mechanism where individuals undermine or diminish the significance or importance of their own thoughts, feelings, or actions. It often manifests in phrases such as “It’s not that bad” or “I’ve seen others in worse relationships.”
  • People-pleasing (fawn respond) refers to the tendency of individuals to prioritize the desires and preferences of others over their own needs and wants. This behavioral trait is often rooted in the strong desire to be liked or accepted, as well as going to great lengths to avoid upsetting others or causing any form of disagreement. They may find themselves constantly seeking validation and approval from those around them, going as far as sacrificing their own well-being and personal boundaries in the process.
  • Denial is a defense mechanism employed to shield oneself from confronting painful or distressing thoughts, emotions, or realities. It manifests as the rejection of the existence of a specific situation, event, or truth, typically with the aim of preserving one’s self-image or evading emotional discomfort.
  • Rationalization is a defense mechanism where individuals justify or explain their or others thoughts, feelings, or behaviors in a manner that alleviates discomfort or conflict. This defense mechanism involves coming up with different reasons or excuses for one’s actions or beliefs. For instance, he behaves this way because he had an abusive childhood.

What are we protecting ourselves from?
Self-gaslighting serves as a way to shield ourselves from the pain we carry within. It often stems from a deep desire to be accepted or, conversely, a fear of rejection. This fear of rejection may originate from experiences of frequent rejection during childhood. Whether it was directed at our emotions, our thought processes, or even our very presence, we may have felt unwanted and burdensome to our parents. Consequently, we develop defense mechanisms as a temporary means of protecting ourselves from potential rejection. Paradoxically, these defense mechanisms can manifest as self-rejection, as we deny our own feelings, thoughts, desires, and instincts.
What lies beneath this fear of rejection? The fear of being rejected can stem from a fundamental belief that we are not good enough and that we do not deserve better.

Also, in self-gaslighting there are two sides
In this article, I am focusing on individuals who find themselves in abusive relationships and subsequently resort to self-gaslighting. However, it is important to note that the abusers themselves can also engage in self-gaslighting. We convince ourselves that our abusive behaviors are not our fault, placing the blame on the other person. Our energy becomes centered on criticizing and correcting our partner. We justify our abusive actions by finding excuses or attributing them to external factors, such as saying, “Well, if he hadn’t forgotten to call me, I wouldn’t have lost control.” In essence, we shift responsibility onto the other person, downplay our negative actions, or make justifications- using the same defense mechanisms mentioned above.

Signs of self-gaslighting
Second-guessing your feelings involves downplaying or doubting your own emotions. It often manifests in self-talk such as “I’m too sensitive,” “I’m being overly dramatic,” or “I must be crazy for feeling this way, everyone else sees things differently.” You invalidate your own emotions and convince yourself that your feelings are not valid or justified. By comparing your reactions to others and assuming that their perspective is the “correct” one, you undermine your own emotional experiences.

Rationalizing toxic behavior involves making excuses for someone’s harmful actions or shifting blame onto yourself for the way they treat you. It entails dismissing your own feelings and perceptions in favor of the other person’s perspective. For example, saying things like, “I’m sure they didn’t mean to hurt me, it’s all in my head.”

Questioning your memories involves doubting your ability to recall specific events and, in some cases, even creating false memories to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths. You undermine your own recollections and manipulate your perception of reality.

Constantly apologizing involves saying sorry for things that are not your fault or within your control. I notice this tendency in my female clients, who often apologize excessively. For instance, apologizing for crying, expressing emotions, or simply apologizing without a specific reason. It is a common word used in everyday conversations. This behavior can stem from various factors, including societal expectations, cultural conditioning, and a desire to maintain harmony or avoid conflict. Apologizing excessively may be an attempt to please others, prevent disapproval, or alleviate feelings of guilt or shame.

Avoiding conflict involves conforming to other people’s opinions or beliefs, even if they contradict your own. Over time, this behavior can lead to questioning your own thoughts and values. By prioritizing harmony and avoiding disagreements, you may suppress your own authentic voice and sacrifice your individuality. This can result in feelings of inner conflict and a diminished sense of self.

Downplaying your achievements involves dismissing your own hard work, dedication, and perseverance. It manifests as a lack of belief in your abilities and talents. Additionally, comparing yourself to others is a common pattern. You undermine the value of your own accomplishments and diminish the recognition you deserve. This can stem from various factors, such as imposter syndrome, fear of being perceived as arrogant, or setting excessively high standards for yourself.

Downplaying your needs and wants involves considering other people’s needs as more important than your own. You may feel guilty when setting boundaries or saying no to others. Additionally, you may struggle to express your needs or even have difficulty identifying what you want.

Perceiving normal behavior as something exceptional involves seeing regular or expected actions within a relationship as extraordinary or noteworthy. When someone is in an abusive relationship, they may see basic kindness or decency as special because they are used to being mistreated all the time. This can cause them to have a distorted perception of what is normal or expected in a healthy relationship.

What to expect when we are working through self-gaslighting?
Because self-gaslighting can run deep and is a trauma response, it is likely beneficial to seek support from a trauma-informed professional. What can you expect during the process of working on yourself?

Self-doubt is indeed a common experience for clients who engage in self-gaslighting. They frequently question their decisions, feelings, and thoughts, even when the choices seem clear to an outsider. As a professional, it is important for me to refrain from pushing them in any specific direction. Instead, I prioritize helping them learn to distinguish between their own authentic feelings and desires versus the expectations or desires imposed upon them by others.
One technique I use is guiding clients to tune into their bodily sensations when making decisions. I encourage them to ask themselves how a particular decision feels in their body. We also explore the alternative scenario of not taking a certain decision and examine how that feels in their body. This exercise, known as sense checking, is valuable in developing self-awareness. Initially, they may not notice significant differences, but with consistent practice, they gradually learn to discern their true feelings.
It is crucial to recognize that if someone has experienced manipulation, their sense of reality may be clouded, leading to heightened self-doubt. Working through these doubts and learning to trust one’s own perceptions and experiences is an essential aspect of the healing process.

Also, it is important to be aware that it is common to experience feelings of uncertainty. The objective is not to achieve 100% certainty. Instead, it can be helpful to “cement” certain decisions as a starting point. For instance, acknowledging preferences such as “I like pasta,” provides a solid steppingstone from which to build upon. When everything feels uncertain and fluid, having these steppingstones can offer stability amidst confusion. By creating multiple steppingstones, you can establish a stronger sense of stability. As you progress and gain more stability, you can look back and sense check if the decisions you have cemented still align with your current needs and desires.Still liking pasta?

It’s important to acknowledge that not every decision will feel completely certain or clear-cut. In fact, some decisions may have very close 50-50 split. With the information available, it may be challenging to come to a definitive conclusion. It is common for individuals to get stuck in these types of decisions, fearing the potential regret.
However, it’s crucial to recognize that experiencing regret is a natural part of life. It is impossible to go through life without any regrets. Rather than focusing solely on avoiding regret, it is more beneficial to learn how to process and let go of regrets when they arise.

Initially, it can be challenging to identify our own wants and needs, leading to a sense of confusion. It becomes important to constantly ask ourselves, “What do I want?” and pay attention to how our body reacts in different situations. Is our motivation driven by our own desires or influenced by the expectations of others? As we gain a better understanding of our wants and needs, we may encounter feelings of guilt or fear of rejection when expressing them. Guilt and/or shame is a complex emotion that often leads us to prioritize the needs of others over our own. It can be uncomfortable to sit with this guilt and not act upon it. However, it is worth the challenge. Learning to do what we want, even in the face of guilt, is an important step towards self-empowerment and personal growth.

ONLINE WORKSHOP: EMOTIONAL PREPARATION FOR CHILDBIRTH

Mar11

I prepared this online workshop for pregnant soon to be moms, that want to emotionally prepare for upcoming childbirth in the safety of their own home. In my own birth preparation, I used a lot of different therapeutic tools that I knew from my own work and which I am also sharing in this workshop.

HOW IT WORKS?

I have written 14 assignments for you, which you will receive periodically on your email over the course of 41 days. In addition to the first and last email, you will receive one email with the assignment every third day. This way, you will have 3 days to complete one assignment. Workshop is divided in tree main parts:

1st Part: In the first three exercises, we will focus on your feelings about the pregnancy and how the culture you are in influences your transition to parenthood.

2nd Part: In the main part of the workshop, we will focus on childbirth. In the first five exercises we will through creative tools explore feelings regarding birth and the last two exercises are designed to help you recognize any questions you may have regarding birth and develop a Birth plan.

3rd Part: This last part is of practical nature. Through exercises, you will learn to let go of the control and calm overwhelming emotions. Exercises in this part are meant to be practiced frequently until the delivery day.

Please note that besides writing, the workshop contains a few creative assignments. However, there is no need to be a talented writer or a world-renowned artist. Use of creativity in self exploration is not just for creative people. Creating something is a method that helps us get in touch with our emotions where the words cannot reach. For me, it is important that you have the opportunity to express your emotions regarding birth and this way make sure that they don’t surprise you in the delivery room. Besides giving you the space for your feelings in this workshop, I will as well give you the tools on how to deal with (overwhelming) emotions.

DURING THE WORKSHOP, YOU WILL NEED THE FOLLOWING MATERIALS:

-a printer (nice to have but not a must)
-pen
-drawing materials like color pencils, watercolor paints, crayons, marker pens etc.
-optional material you can use are colorful papers, glitters, macaroni pasta, natural materials such as leaves, chestnuts
-glue, scissors
-music player (a cell phone or a computer that can play mp3 file)

WORKSHOP IS SUITABLE FOR:

-first pregnancy
-second (or more) pregnancy/es
-women who decided for natural birth, pain relief labor and C-section
-all the exercises are written out, so the workshop is suitable for individuals with any hearing impairments as well

WELCOME TO JOIN!

PRICE: 60,00 EUR.

PAYMENT:

You will receive your first email after the successful payment. Just in case, check in the spam as well. In case of any technical difficulties, please contact me via roomfornurture@gmail.com.

With the purchase of this workshop, you automatically agree to Terms of Service and Privacy Policy

You can pay by Bank transfer HERE

or with:

NOTE

Pregnancy is a time of big changes, most of which are out of our control. We develop our pregnancy belly, our breasts become larger, and our hormone levels fluctuate. It’s our body’s way to prepare for the birth. Change can trigger memories from our past, some of them we are unaware of and some we may not have dealt with previously. Early memories often come to us through our body’s sensations and feelings. In pregnancy, it is especially important to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to deal with whatever is coming your way. However, sometimes the feelings are overwhelming. In that case, it is best to find an empathic friend or a therapist that can help us through this tough period. Read my article about awoken memories during pregnancy HERE.

ABOUT ME

I have been working as a psychodynamic body oriented psychotherapist for a decade now.
I worked with many pregnant women and couples along this time, giving them prenatal and postnatal support.
Living abroad and working with different nationalities widened my perspective and deepened my work as a therapist.
If I would pick 2 things that I believe in is learning and empathy. 

BOOKS ABOUT GRIEF

Oct28

Reading about grief turned out to be the healing practice that helped me with my own sudden loss of my mum. I want to share with my readers the books that find a place on my nightstand. I read everything, from personal experiences, science and spiritual believes around dying and death. Books don’t reflect my personal believes but I did include in this articles paragraphs that resonated with me.

BOOKS ABOUT:

Dying

Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death by Joan Halifax
This book describes the Buddhist view on dying and include lessons from dying people and caregivers, as well as guided meditations to help readers contemplate death without fear.
“When sitting with a dying person, I try to ask myself carefully, what words will benefit her? Does anything really need to be said? Can I know greater intimacy with her through a mutuality beyond words and actions? Can I relax and trust in simply being here, without needing my personality to mediate the tender connection we share?” (Page 10)

Death

Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death by Irvin D. Yalom
Throughout the book author guides us how to deal with our fear of death, which is often at the heart of our anxiety.
“The frightening vision of inevitable death, he said, interferes with one’s enjoyment of life and leaves no pleasure undisturbed.” (Kindle location 92)
“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.” (Kindle location 1165)

The Wheel of Life: A Memoir of Living and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is famous for her life work regarding death and dying which bear fruits in many books. I decided to read her autobiography, but I suggested you take a look at her other books as well.
“As he neared the end, my father refused to eat. It was too painful. But he asked for different bottles of wine from his cellar. It was in character. On the last night, I watched him sleep in excruciating pain. At some critical point, I even gave him an injection of morphine. But then the next afternoon the most extraordinary thing happened. My father awoke from his troubled sleep and asked me to open the window so he could hear the church bell more clearly. For a few moments we listened to the familiar chimes of the Kreuzkirche. Then my father began conversing with his own father, apologizing for letting him die in that dreadful nursing home.” (Page 124)

Grieving process

In It’s OK That You’re Not OK by  Megan Devine
One of my favorite books about grief. Many people who have suffered a loss feel judged, dismissed, and misunderstood by a culture that wants to “solve” grief. Author normalize our experience of grief and shine much more realistic view on grief process.
“Suffering comes with being told to not feel what you feel. Suffering comes with being told there is something wrong with what you feel. Suffering comes with all the crap that gets loaded on us by friends and colleagues random strangers who, with the best of intentions, correct, judge, or give advice on how we need to grieve better. Suffering also comes when we don’t eat, don’t get enough sleep, spend too much time with toxic people, or pretend we’re not in as much pain as we’re in. Suffering comes when we rehash the events that led up to this death or this loss, punishing ourselves for not preventing it, not knowing more, not doing more. Suffering brings with it anxiety, and fear, and isolation.” (Page 89)

Anxiety: The Missing Stage of Grief: A Revolutionary Approach to Understanding and Healing the Impact of Loss by Claire Bidwell Smith
Author sheds light on a largely hidden dimension of what many grieving people experience: anxiety. In the book you will find explanation for your experience and practical help to ease grief anxiety.
“Until you’ve actually lost someone close to you, there is no way to comprehend the enormity of the experience.” (181 Kindle location)
“After the death of a loved one, many of the fears that run through your mind can be perceived as more of a threat than before the loss. You have witnessed someone die, and now that inevitability is more real than ever before in your life. So when you have a fear-based thought about that person’s death, or about your own mortality, or a worry about losing someone else, your body and mind are reacting stronger than before you experienced loss”. (317 Kindle location)
“After we go through a major loss in life, we tend to become hypervigilant to bodily sensations such as these. Whereas before the loss we may not have noticed these same bodily sensations, now that we have experienced the death of a loved one, we are preoccupied with the thought that something similar could happen to us, so when we feel the sensations of worry in our body, our fear response increases.” (362 Kindle location)

Loss

Of spouse

A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
This book is a classic. Author describes his grief process after he lost his wife.
“I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get. The old life, the jokes, the drinks, the arguments, the lovemaking, the tiny, heartbreaking commonplace.”
“Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left? You have stripped me even of my past, even of the things we never shared.” (Kindle location 495)

A Matter of Death and Life by Irvin D. Yalom
There are two authors of this book. Irvin describes the process of losing his wife Marilyn to the cancer, and she describes her process of dying.
“When I shall be facing death, there will be no Marilyn hovering, always available, always beside me. There will be no one holding my hand. Yes, my four children and my eight grandchildren and many friends will spend time with me, but alas, they will not have the power to penetrate the depths of my isolation.” (Kindle location 953)

The year of magical thinking by Joan Didion
Author describes grief process throughout a year following her husband dead and the death of her daughter due to illness. In the book she incorporates medical and psychological research on grief and illness.
“Despite our preparation, indeed, despite our age, dislodges things deep in us, sets off reactions that surprise us and they may cut free memories and feelings that we had thought gone to ground long ago. We might, in that indeterminate period they call mourning, be in a submarine, silent on the ocean’s bed, aware of the depth changes, now near and now far, buffeting us with recollections.” (Page 27)
“Person under the shock of genuine affliction are not only upset mentally but are all unbalanced physically. No matter how calm or controlled they seemingly may be, no one can under such circumstances be normal.” (Page 57)

Of parent
The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping with Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents by Alexander Levy
Author describes what grief process looks like after the death of our parent. Although losing our parents when we ourselves are adults is in the natural order of things, this passage proves inevitably more difficult than we thought it would be. This as well is one of my favorite books that I read.
“Parental loss is a powerful event that spurs some towards maturation and creativity while propelling others into a regressed reclamation of unfinished adolescence. Perhaps death of a parents in adulthood is the midlife crisis.“ (Page 60)
“Parental death divides adulthood into three distinct stages: The time with two parents, the time with one parent, and the time with no parents. Each parent’s death is the threshold for the next stage, a signal to move on as distinct as the ringing school bell announcing that it is time for students to go to their next class. Those in one stage of parental loss tend not to be able to imagine the realities of people who have progressed to the next one. And because those at the same stage share a common experience and point of view, they tend to congregate and become friends.” (Page 99)

Of child: look books in sudden death section

Sudden loss

General
The Sudden Loss Survival Guide: Seven Essential Practices for Healing Grief (Bereavement, Suicide, Mourning) by Chelsea Hanson
Author gathers everything that she learned during her own recovery process and provides an indispensable road map to aid those who’ve experienced a life-changing loss.
“About six months after Mom died, I weighed a meek 110 pounds due to sudden weight loss. I suffered migraine headaches, endured the care of a neurologist, and experienced an excessive need to sleep. I was physically sick with grief—something I didn’t even know could happen. Despite these conditions, I appeared “fine” on the outside. Perhaps it was wishful thinking from others combined with my failure to ask for assistance as well as my false façade. Inside, I knew differently. I felt like a part of me was lost. I was bewildered, disoriented, and was not functioning effectively.” (Kindle location 1497)

By accident
The Loss of Lacey: A Mother’s Story of Facing Her Greatest Fear and Coping with Devastating Grief by Nancy Jarrell O’Donnell
Books talks about the mother who lost a daughter Lacey in a car accident. I would recommend this book to everyone that is going through the sudden lost. She gives a lot of inside about emotional state after the loss. Her anguish is tangible. As a therapist herself, she also includes a lot of practical interventions and scientific research combined with her painful personal story.
“Several years later, I learned that this kind of obsessive behavior—the engraved vision in my mind and my need to know—was typical for someone suffering from traumatic grief. At the time this was all happening, I just felt crazy.” (Page 28)
“The nature of the death and its circumstances play a significant role in experiencing traumatic grief.” (Page31)
“I was plagued with all the “I should have’s,” and thought about what I could have or should have done to prevent her death I learned to stop this thinking. It would not bring Lacey back and it only resulted in my feeling worse than I already did. Parental guilt comes with the territory of just being a parent. Not allowing guilt or shame to seep into my drastically changed life became work in progress for me day by day.” (Page 32)

By suicide
Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide by Christopher Lukas
The book explains the profound, traumatic effect suicide has on individuals left behind and the world of silence, shame, guilt, and depression that can follow this event.
“Survivor may begin to ask why so many people around them seem either oblivious to their pain or are cruel in the way they are reacting to it; why the support that might be available to them if their loved ones had died in a car accident is absent because the death was a suicide.” (Page 37) 
“There is one pervasive reaction that survivors have to suicide, it is guilt. Suddenly, there seem to be endless reasons to feel responsible for the death. What could I have done to keep the loved one alive? Did I do enough? Was I neglectful? Did I ignore warning signs?” (Page 39)
“The guilt and depression among parental survivors does seem to be more intense and longer lasting than among others. Every single parent to whom we talked expressed this same feeling: their “job” had been to protect their child—and they had failed. Perhaps their worst nightmare of this is the fear that if one child dies by suicide, others will too. Parents sometimes express intense anger toward their dead child, followed by denial of those feelings, then intense guilt and depression.” (Page 127)

No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved by Carla Fine
Author discovered her husband, a successful young physician, after he took his own life. She speaks frankly about the overwhelming feelings of confusion, guilt, shame, anger, and loneliness that are shared by all survivors.
“There is no dignity or privacy in suicide. The police, the super, the dog walkers, the gawkers all found out that my husband killed himself at the same exact time it was confirmed to me.” (Page 27)
“After my husband’s death, I felt that I was the focus of gossip. I sensed that there was this question about my integrity as a wife. I felt very pointed-out, judged, and objectified. My friends gradually stopped including me in their plans. I don’t know if they dropped me because I was a single woman or because of my husband’s suicide or both. All I know is that when I was invited to two weddings of the children of people who had been my closest friends, once I was seated with three elderly widows and the other time I was put at the children’s table. My circle of friends—the couples—were sitting together.” (Page 144)
“For many parents, guilt over their children’s suicide is compounded by the real or perceived prejudgment that they are responsible for the actions of their children.” (Page 157)

By homicide
Coping with Traumatic Death: Homicide by Bob Baugher
This book is a practical guide of what to expect after the homicide regarding the legal system, funeral arrangements, and police investigation. It is combined with the personal story of a father who lost his daughter to homicide. Book is written for American legal system, but it can be helpful for other countries as well.
“In addition, many families of violent crime victims report that an added burden to their grief was the way in which the media reported the crime.” (Kindle location 220)
After the trial, you might fall into a “black hole.” You feel yourself slipping into a state of confusion and dejection. Your disposition will become confusing to you and others at times, and you may think you are going crazy—and, in a way you are—grief is a kaleidoscope of crazy feelings coming and going.” (Kindle location 553)

I Am Jessica: A Survivor’s Powerful Story of Healing and Hope by Jamie Collins
Authors family members are brutally murdered while she is away having a sleepover at her friend’s house. At the time 10-year-old Jessica tells her story now as an adult and describes her struggles coping with a murder of her family.
“I had no idea how I was ever going to get over this, or if I even should. How could anyone get over this? It was such an evil act”. (Kindle location 1046)
“Something is different about her. I sense it. It’s something I notice right away. She is now more of a silent spectator. She just sits, or stands there, watching. Always watching, but not really engaging. Not really talking. Not really having fun with us. Not really. If something happens that is funny, she does smile, but it’s more of a smile of acknowledgment, not a true reaction. When she does smile, her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. Her eyes seem flat. Far away. Distant.” (Kindle location 1489)

A Grief Like No Other: Surviving the Violent Death of Someone You Love by Kathleen O’Hara
Author describes her grief after her son was brutally murdered. It is a helpful book to normalize your feelings and prepares you of what is yet to come.
“From the moment you hear of your loved one’s death, from the moment you learn of the violent act, you are forced to become a player in an unexpected scenario, one for which you have no script. Everything is happening very quickly; you are shocked by what you are seeing or hearing. You are not merely a spectator; you are living this. Almost immediately, you will need to inform other people of the events at hand. They will probably include members of your family, friends, relatives, doctors, nurses, and legal or other professionals involved with the situation.” (Page 5)
“Survivors often feel as if they are the ones with the problem, as though they are rejected by the very society they thought they were part of. You may feel as if you did something wrong, and unfortunately there may be people who sometimes unconsciously or unintentionally reinforce this notion. For example, when Aaron and Brian first disappeared, people whom I knew suggested that my son was involved in something I didn’t know about, which must have been the reason he was missing.” (Page 9)
We torture ourselves with what we could have done differently. We play the scenes of our lives over and over again, and struggle to recall whatever our last conversation was before the tragedy occurred —how casual or trite it may seem now—why couldn’t we have expressed our love, said a meaningful good-bye? We judge ourselves harshly, see our faults and magnify them—why weren’t we kinder, more generous with our time or attention, and on and on. We make endless lists of what we could have done but didn’t do. We beg for just a moment more to love, to change, to make it different, or even for history to rewrite itself, for us to be taken in that persons place. But instead, we are left with the terrible realization that nothing we can do will change what happened and we must learn to live with it. (Page 99)

Posted on October 28, 2021, and tagged .

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Sep20

Author: Ania Seretny


When we think of our anger and aggression, the approach often relies on fixing these states, quietening them down, or getting rid of them completely. This article will explore if these strategies are possible, recap what anger and aggression are, and relate fundamentals of Aggression Replacement Training. 

What is anger and aggression?
Anger is the adaptive emotion that plays into the vast pallet of our feelings. We need anger as a part of our reactive toolbox. It is a big part of our self-protecting safety mechanism that our ancestors needed when they were fighting off and hunting animals. That held true for when we lived in steppes and forests and holds true until today as we live in the urban jungle. Years of psychological work however distinguished the emotion of anger and aggression. Aggression is the behavior that is hurtful to others and ourselves. You may ask if it is always hurtful. Yes, even when our moral compass is agreeing with our decision to engage in aggressive behavior we still actively are hurting someone or ourselves.

Why do we continue to be aggressive?
Aggression can play a big part in relationship building. These are behaviors that we train our whole lives and bring into our intimate relationships. The drawbacks of anger are simple to list: feeling of guilt, physical and psychological pain, stress and anxiety, withdrawal, losing relationships, consequences of breaking trust, and many more. So the question arises why we still engage in behaviors that are so destructive. The answer is simple: there is something to gain. Aggression is powerful, it is lively, and even passionate. This is not being said to glorify aggression but bring it into a realistic light. If we discard these gains of aggression we can quickly slip into the above mentioned strategies: “I’ll just get rid of it and won’t do it again”, “I’m a calm person, I will stay calm next time”. 

Underestimating the powerful gains of aggression is one of the main reasons we do not successfully approach changing our behaviors. Life-long training of aggressive reactions and relationships that feed off aggressive interactions cannot be fixed overnight. However this behavior can be trained over time. 

How to change my aggressive reaction?
To anyone who is stepping on the journey of self-development and is interested in anger management and Aggression Replacement Training – congratulations! Being open to changing hurtful behavior and finding the motivation to retrain aggressive reactions is a big task that I find to be connected to courage. It is a journey during which you first need to realise that working on your aggressive reactions is also taking away those gains mentioned above. Powerful gains that serve as our protective shield. The principles of Aggression Replacement Training say that deciding not to be aggressive should be paired with training other skills. We take away aggression and replace it with prosocial skills. Skills that do not hurt others or yourself. So, the foundation lies on realistically analyzing my anger and aggressive reactions, deciding not to engage in the aggressive reaction, and using an arsenal of social skills to communicate in a different way. 

Realistically, you need to put a lot of effort into such a training but the effects are ones to look forward to. Long term effects of aggression are detrimental to our health. Learning communication tools that are non-aggressive aim to build relationships and most importantly realize that arguments and unpleasant situations do not have to come at such a high emotional cost. 

My name is Ania Seretny, I am a psychologist and a certified Aggression Replacement Trainer. I conduct training for adults, supporting them in developing social skills and dealing with aggression. Sessions are conducted as dynamic workshops in accordance with cognitive-behavioral practices.

Contact
Email: aniaseretny@gmail.com
Initial consultation: https://calendly.com/aniaseretny/

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL RISKS OF WEALTH

Feb4

In this article I want to touch a psychology effect of wealth. Scientists found that children from homes with an annual income of more than £100,000 were suffering anxiety, depression and somatic symptoms twice as often in comparison to their peers. Also children from multi-generational wealth are more at risk for criminal behavior, eating disorders, and addictive disorders. It is important to emphasize that it is not the wealth per se causing the higher risk of mental disorder development but also the cultural context and environment.

Traps that occur by raising a child in privileged environment
• Unfortunately, many wealthy parents neglect their children. They are too busy to pay emotional attention to their child. The child may have been over indulged with material things while starving for parents love and attention.
• Rich parents may intrude excessively into the lives of their child. Meaning that they are crossing the child’s boundaries and not letting him develop his own ways. They are doing things instead of him and also telling him what and how to do things. Which can later in life lead to a loss of self-sense.
• Impossibly high expectations are transmitted not only by parents but also by the entire community-teachers, schools, coaches, and peers. The child can feel the pressure of succeeding in larger than life terms but on the other hand very little is expected from him in a sense of responsibilities. Parental expectations can be particularly excessive if the family has an established tradition of wealth and position. While this works well for some children it doesn’t for others. This is especially true if the same standards are applied across all the siblings. There is no space for individual identity-family and others sees you as part of the family dynasty.
• Kids aren’t required to support themselves. Which can give you a feeling that you are incapable of such a thing. That makes you dependent on your family even if you don’t want to be. To learn how to provide for your self plays important role in self-esteem.
• Envy from others plays significant role in wealthy child psychological development. We don’t only have pressure from inside of the family but also outer world is putting pressure on our personality development. Wealthy children are often target of envy. They are seen as successful by their peers simply for being born in wealthy family. They can respond with feeling guilty to have so much. Consequently many hold back and stay beneath the radar so that they won’t feel over exposed. Also it is hard to distinguish if people pay attention to you because of your wealth or because of who you are.
• On the other hand they can gain a lot of admiration from surrounding. People don’t admire their true self and accomplishment but what they have. Which makes your personality connected to the family wealth and is hart to feel stable without it. They often feel like they have only one way out-continue the tradition. Also being admired all the time makes you feel lost when someone is not responding to you this way which can show up as anger or self-doubt.

Personal characteristics that wealthy children often develop
To grow up in wealthy family encourages development of certain characteristics that are not excepted well elsewhere. Behind their backs people may resent them for this type of behavior but they are rarely faced with direct disapproval due to their status. It is hard for this children to develop realistic identity if they are not confronted whit their dysfunctional behavior.
Among those characteristics are:
• Lack of empathy/awareness of others. They can believe that they are empathic person and are surprised to learn that people see them differently. They often mix their charity work and materialistic help with empathy. From their perspective this is familiar behavior because in their home they got material things instead of emotional support. At the same time they secretly expect praise for this kind of help and are wearing it proudly.
• Selfish, insensitive behavior which they feel is justified or they are not aware of it. They refuse to face how people respond to them. Although in same level many of them can see that people are not sincere to them.
• Feeling of entitlement.
• Difficulties with taking interpersonal responsibility.
• Elitism and materialism infiltrate their character, their relationships, and their quality of life.
• They can have low capacity for tenderness in close relationships, high capacity for chauvinism and narcissism.
• The wealthier people become, the more they believe that they can control many aspects of their life and design exactly the kind of life they want. They come to expect perfection and submissiveness from others.

Problematic areas that are hidden behind mental disorder
• Lack of self-discipline: Wealthy children have problem focusing and sustained energy, as well as postponing gratification for ultimately higher rewards. Lack of consistency and following the rules (that were agreed ahead) also shows in therapeutic relationship. Last minute cancellations and arbitrary requests to re-schedule are commonplace.
• Delayed maturity. Living in a cocoon of wealth often prevent a person to mature. Most overprotected children eventually do grow up, but many delay or even avoid the process.
• Low self-esteem: Person that was raised in wealthy family describes well how low self-esteem is built: “You’re not taught to do practical things, because everything is done for you. Being denied the opportunity to fulfill developmental tasks and experience the ebb and flow of triumph and mistakes breeds the narcissistic expectation that all things should be simply handed over on a silver platter. But inside it feels like you are incapable to do it alone.” Children that are high in the spectrum of Narcissistic personality disorder doesn’t realize their low self-worth. They are covering it up with narcissistic behavior which is only a symptom of their very low self-esteem.
• Week identity: Children of wealth often begin life with prescribed identities and a sense of social and financial superiority. Expectations of what they should become are preventing them to development a firm identity.
• Suspiciousness or even paranoia: to not to trust others is probably how they were raised. “People want you for money”. It must feel really horrible that you are haunted by the feeling that it is never you but your family money. “What does he or she really want from me?” Consequently there is a fair amount of isolation. “We grew up hearing warnings about every girlfriend and buddy we had. So I learned to be suspicious, and it has been hard for me to overcome that legacy.”
• Fear of failure runs high among inheritors. The child of wealth may feel that nothing they can accomplish will ever match the huge accomplishment of the money makers. They suspect their successes are due to wealth and position. All of this can undermine the self-esteem. It’s hard to be sure they have achieved anything, or are really liked by others.
• Lack of motivation: “My biggest hurdle is my laziness and the fact that I know that I won’t be ruined if my art doesn’t work out.” Available wealth makes it hard to stick to goals in the face of setbacks and frustrations. Sometimes inheritor’s goals are ill-defined, particularly when it comes to career. Inheritors are not driven by life’s necessities. Their motivation is often short-lived and lacks intensity. “You might want to and you might make the effort, but you don’t have the same pressure to earn enough to live on. And that takes away a lot of the incentive to find meaningful work. The biggest curse of intergenerational wealth for me and many other people is the illusion that you don’t have to do much with your life.”

Final words
To rise psychologically healthy children it is essentially to give them emotional and not just material attention. This is far more important for healthy development then material things. Moreover it is important that they take responsibilities suitable for their age. Taking responsibility away have negative influence on positive identity and self-esteem.
Teach your child about finances, responsibility and work. It doesn’t need to be hard work, just work. So they learn to put off gratification and enjoy in their own achievements. Also realize that they are individuals just like you and I. They have their own wishes and they are not obligated to follow your lead as well you are not obligated to support them once they become adult.
For the child raised in wealthy family that feels lack of motivation, anxious, and depressed it is important to find help. In therapy proses with them the privilege is “taken away” which can be really hard for some. Pushing through it brings something far more important-the sense of self.
Base of this article is a book by Madeline Levine: The price of Privilege and my personal experience working with privilege clients. We often think that where is money there is no problems. As seen from this article privileged children have far greater possibility to develop mental disorder in comparison to their peers. Their problems might be different from ours but that doesn’t make them less serious. In therapy it is important to work with them on distinction between them and family inheritance, on feeling that they are capable of taking care of themselves, give them sense of how they come across, on learning to take responsibility and help them to become their true self.

PART II: WHAT HAPPENS WITH CHILDREN WHO WERE RAISED BY A NARCISSIST IN ADULTHOOD?

Jan22

Family system good or bad influences our personality, the way we see the world and feel about ourselves. Unfortunately being raised by the narcissist parent is a tough spot to be in. You are probably dragging with yourself a very negative perception of you which influences a lot of areas in your life. In this article we will take a look on the hardships that comes from being raised by the Narcissist.

Pain from upbringing
Having to accept that your parent doesn’t love you like other parents love their children is the painful process. You have to grieve the loss of the parent you never had. Really grieve the fact that you didn’t get the love and support you needed. Part of that requires releasing the fantasy that your narcissistic parent can change and eventually give you what you need. They are unable to change. At least not to the extent that they would be able to give you genuine love. Sometimes accepting that can make your relationship with narcissistic parent bearable but there is nothing wrong with cutting all ties with your narcissistic parent.
Also we often forget about the other parent-the not narcissistic one. There is a lot of pain hiding there too. This parent was allowing the abuse to keep happening. He was the silent observer and didn’t protect you the way he should. Usually children defend this parent, because he was the safe haven while growing up. But in therapy after we deal with pain that was cost by narcissistic parent the new pain and anger emerge directed toward the other parent. Why didn’t you do something? Why you haven’t protracted me? “One of the most heart-breaking moments for me as a child was realizing that dad knew what was going on. After a bad beating from mom, he brought me a candy bar.”

Negative self-image
Children of narcissistic parents often wonder if they are really lovable. You distrust and devaluate your inner selves as nothing of value could come from inside. “I feel worthless and unlovable. If anyone shows affection, I know that they only do it because they want something in return.”
You are chronically unsure of themselves, and overly-worried about what others think of them. You feel insecure, because you never experienced unconditional love. “I fight the things I’ve been called almost every day, things like stupid, lazy, fat, drama queen, property, slightly mentally retarded, selfish, paranoid, hypochondriac, and more.”

Underdeveloped identity
Child raised in Narcissistic family is forced to ignore his own needs and desires. The boundaries between mother and child become so blurred. Not only that, the parent was not in tuned with the child and they labeled children’s emotions according to their own. That leaves behind the confusion of who I am, what am I feeling? Also child often don’t know how to read their own body because parent didn’t give the right words to emotions and body sensations. Person who is not connected with his feelings is puzzled by an ache in the heart, palpitations, shortness of breath and a churning in the stomach. They become dissociated from their feelings and bodily sensations and consequently often end up exhausted and ill.
Consequently, you don’t trust your instincts, and have trouble expressing your feelings. You worry that if you assert yourself you will risk losing love. Because you are so used to please others your identity don’t have the opportunity to fully develop. “I sense for a very long time that my body wasn’t my body. It could be abused, or I could be held down and tickled to crying point or made to dance for visitors. I’m still over-sensitive to being grabbed or pulled by anyone.”

Guilt and shame
Another major sign of being raised by narcissists is the constant feelings of guilt and shame. They are coming from inability to meet your parent expectations and being constantly humiliated. You can also experience chronic feelings of emptiness. To avoid this feeling you can escape to hyper sexuality or acting out (in a potentially harmful manner) for attention.

Avoiding error
Child of narcissist tries to avoid error even at a brand new or difficult activity. Some can be deadly afraid to go out of their routine.  Narcissistic parent teaches their child that there is only perfection or failure.  They believe that they should appeared perfect and with no need of help. Consequently they avoid taking chances because of the fear of (parental) judgment. They stay in the security of sameness.

Boundaries
Most likely you have poor interpersonal boundaries and inability to say “no”. People-pleasing is very common behavior. You are deeply afraid to speak up confidently or challenge others. You are going to need to discover boundaries, where you begin and your parent ends, to free your authentic self. When you choose who you want to be, rather than who your parents wanted you to be, you break free from their narcissistic grip.

Noticing the details
Like in Borderline families also child from Narcissistic family becomes attuned to the changes in the environment. “Changes in tone? Check. Micro-shifts in facial expressions? Noted. Gestures that contradict spoken words? Documented.” You had to be “emotion detective” in order to survive your childhood. You can be highly sensitive and intuitive to the needs of others, but you are also constantly on the lookout for what’s about to come. This can lead to taking on other people emotions and not being able to set a healthy boundary in adulthood. “I’m intensely aware of body language, and that comes from the ‘walking on eggshells’ life and trying to anticipate. It’s distressing when people are telling me one thing and their body language is telling another.”

Narcissist becomes Narcissist?
If you were a golden child there is a strong possibility that you will become a narcissist. You can turn out to be self-centered, have the compulsive need to be always right, you are unable to take criticism, demand perfection from others and yourself, you can become hypersensitive and continuous feel mistreated by others and you desperately need to be loved. If you grow up watching your parent exploit others, you can lack a strong moral compass and transfer this behavior to the people around you. “I’m ignorant. You may tell me things, and I will even ask you where you went on holidays, how long did it take you, who was with you – and 2 minutes later I won’t remember a thing. I learnt to block out the screams and nonsense that my mother tells me over and over again, and unfortunately, I now subconsciously do the same to the other people.”
Beside Narcissistic personality disorder, you can also develop other psychological disorder such as Borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression, addiction or Schizoid personality disorder. “I self harm. During my life it varied, but included things like blade cuts, excessive masturbation, biting lips and gums.”
Beside psychological problems you can develop a bunch of (psycho) somatic issues like migraines, autoimmune disorders, chronic fatigue syndrome, and heart problems. Bottom line is trauma causes all kinds of physical and psychological problems. “I eat. I am morbidly obese. I would gladly trade for one of those addictions that don’t show so prominently, like workaholic or excessive exercising. But this is what I’ve got. I wish I could lay it down.”

(Romantic) relationships
Children from Narcissistic family often have unhealthy relationship. There are several aspect contributing to it:

  • All children are vulnerable in front of their parents but with horrible experiences child in Narcissistic family learns to keep to himself. The child is deeply hurt by the parent who uses his feelings for a personal gain. Consequently you learn that you can’t trust others with what is truly going on inside of you. “I can’t trust anyone. I don’t completely trust my girlfriend, I don’t trust my friends (I always think “Are they going to stab me while I’m asleep? Why does my girlfriend pretend to love me?”) even if there’s no reasons to think that. At work I do everything myself, even if there’s help available. Sometimes that means I’m a bit overloaded.”
    Often you are unable to tolerate your feelings as well. On the other hand children of narcissists have a tendency to overshare in the hopes that someone will see their pain and come rescue them. That normally ends up in another toxic relationship.
  • You are so used to be mistreated in the relationships that you don’t recognized when mistreatment is going on and you don’t know how to stop it.
  • Many are desperate for a love they never received. You can have idealized perception of romantic relationship. Usually the image is created from what you saw in the movies. This can also be one of the ways to avoid intimacy. Meaning that you are looking for something that doesn’t exist. Probably because you are joining for parent love that was never there. Going into the same destructive circle causes re-traumatization but you don’t know how to end vicious circle. “I ended up marrying an emotionally unavailable man. I was married 23 long years. I finally had the courage to leave. With my next relationship, I thought I’d finally found love! I thought I’d finally found my soulmate! I realized, after a year, that he was a covert narcissist of the exhibitionist variety!”
  • You form insecure attachment, mostly avoidant attachment, in which you deal with your fear by shutting people out. “I will never risk depending on anyone ever again!” or anxious attachment, where you chase after love. “Why won’t you pay attention to me!”
  • Some stays in the relationship just for the sake of settling down. Long-term relationships can provide an odd sense of comfort to someone who has always felt alienated. However most of those raised by a Narcissist have an intense fear of commitment, especially when it comes to committing to a person who may actually truly care for you. Commitment to you signifies another person having complete control over you and your emotions. As a result, you tend to defend your freedom whenever you feel it might be challenged and can withdraw when things get too intense. Even staying in long-term relationship that doesn’t work indicates the fear of commitment. “I rather be here and know what to expect than be in healthy relationship where I would need to deal with my fear of closeness.”
  • You have a tendency to become attached to toxic people and chaotic situations in early adulthood in a more intense. Unfortunately you internalized verbal and emotional abuse as a twisted sense of “normal” in childhood, so it’s no wonder that you rationalize toxic behavior in adulthood.
  • You often get into one-sided relationships where you get drained by the other person without getting any benefits in return (=codependency). This endless ‘giving’ is usually rooted in a deeply painful feeling of never being quite enough and having to work hard to receive love.

Being raised by a Narcissist causes a deep wound that takes a lot of time and determination to heal. Basically, you need to put your energy in to mothering yourself. Maybe that means getting re-parented by a therapist, to some extent by romantic partnership, friends or nurturing neighbors. All of these people can become part of your collective parent who gives you love, support, helps you through painful times and reminds you that you are worth it. With time you will internalize this nurturing collective parent that you didn’t have at the time of growing up.

In case you want to deepen your understanding of your relationship with your parents, please take a look at my online workshop “Mending our childhood wounds and patterns” HERE.

This workshop will help you with understanding the patterns, roles and attachment you are having in your family dynamic and will shine the light on your behaviors and wounds you are carrying with you. It will also teach you how to deal with your emotions that will evoke through this self-discovery.

PART I: BEING RAISED BY A NARCISSIST

Jan22

Narcissism runs on a spectrum, from healthy narcissism to malignant narcissism, with a lot of gray in between. Narcissistic people suffer tremendously from their childhood trauma and this pain is too much for them to carry, so they pretend it’s not there or they keep lashing out on other people to ease their own pain. Narcissism doesn’t have to be absolute. It can show up in little ways and often under the guise of doing “what’s best” for your children. It tends to play out inter-generationally, with narcissistic parents producing either narcissistic or codependent children. Parents who are narcissistic share many traits with parents who have Borderline Personality Disorder. The traits of these two disorders overlap quite a bit. The difference between BPD and NPD is how they use manipulation. BPD is trying to prevent abandonment and NPD is trying to maintain the image of perfection.

Narcissistic trails in parenthood

Possessives
Narcissistic parent can be defined as someone who lives through their children and is possessive towards them. Typically, the narcissistic parent perceives the independence of a child as a threat. As long as you don’t represent a threat to your narcissistic parent, and are making them proud, they are OK towards you, or continue to ignore you. But the moment you become difficult or don’t meet their expectations, you become a problem. It is very hard for them to let their possession go. This typically shows when you get serious romantic partner. Your new girlfriend is viewed as a major threat. “My mum criticized my girlfriend to me when she wasn’t around. She was showing her disapproval through little things, like never included her name on any Christmas cart that she wrote.” In the eyes of some narcissistic parents, no romantic partner is ever good enough for their offspring.

  • “When you support her or don’t oppose her, she has this charming personality that’s very hard to resist. But when you oppose her, you can expect her to throw in every trick she has to make your life miserable.”

Boundaries
Within the realm of narcissistic parenting, personal boundaries are often disregarded with the goal of molding and manipulating the child to satisfy the parents’ expectations. They would go through your private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you. Asking nosy questions without noticing that you are feeling uncomfortable is also very common. You don’t have any truly private space even in the bathroom. Narcissistic parent crosses boundaries in many ways. Verbal and/or physical violent is common in their home.

  • “My mum has given away my property without my consent, sometimes even in front of me. Not to mention she expressed (her) opinions instead of me and make an appointments for me without even consulting me. “
  • “I told my mum she cannot bring her friends to my party but she showed up with them anyway. I couldn’t send them away because she told them they were invited. So, I either have to give in, or be the bad guy to these poor dupes on my doorstep.”
  • “I came home from school when I was 15 or so, and found all my drawers dumped out on my bed, and my mother sitting in my desk chair, holding my diary. She was livid. Apparently, I hadn’t put my socks in the drawer right, so she decided to check all my drawers and closet. Seeing that none of my clothing was put away to her standards, she dumped it all out and in the process found and read my diary. That was a bad day. I wore long sleeves for weeks, and had to wear a sweat suit in gym to hide what she did to me.”

Lack of Empathy
Narcissistic parent is incapable to be mindful of the child’s own thoughts and feelings, and validate them as real and important. Only what the parent thinks and feels matters. Some of the most common issues in narcissistic parenting are due to the lack of appropriate, responsible nurturing which ultimately contributes to a child’s dysfunctional patterns. Consequently children feel little or no emotional attachment to their parent.

  • “My mum minimizes, discounts or ignores my opinions and experiences. Even when I talk about the subject that I am an expert on, she choose to demine the information. She never listens to a word that I say.”
  • My mother sees herself as a loving person. Nothing could be more far away from the truth in reality. She is incredibly cold-hearted, rude, ignorant, and callous with an inability to show compassion.

Manipulation
Narcissistic parent use manipulation to mold you the way they want you to be. The most common tactic used by the narcissist are:

  1. Ignoring: They can ignore you for days or weeks when you are not doing the things they want you to do. “When I didn’t do well in school my mum didn’t talk to me until I corrected my mark.” There is also one subtype of Narcissistic parent called “Ignoring Narcissists”. This parents have very little interest in their children. They take notice only when it is necessary. Usually when they need to portrait the perfect family picture or when they need to make sure that their child is taking the path that was chosen for him. “My mum showed interest in me only when it has something to do with school. The moment I tried to talk to her about something else she didn’t really listened.”
  2. Withholding love: Love is given as a conditional reward, rather than the natural expression of healthy parenting. On the other hand, the withholding of love is used as threat and punishment.
  3. Threatening: Narcissistic parent often use your personal information you told them a while against you when you don’t want to follow their direction. Child quickly learns not to share anything with their parents and hides everything from them.
  4. Guilt and shame: Narcissistic parent make you feel guilty and ashamed of yourself if you want to do something different from what they expected. “Ow, you are going to take the trip and I have to stay at home with your dad, how thoughtful of you” or ˝Because you can’t play the piano well, mummy looks like a fool˝.
  5. Being in the middle: Narcissistic parent uses their child to manipulate others-most likely their partner. Children are often expected to deal with adult issues and are put in the middle of disputes. This forces the child to make difficult decisions. Putting the child in the position where he needs to choose between one parent instead of the other leaves profound trauma. “How can I take my father’s side when my mother needs me more?”
    All of this manipulation tactics are preventing you to develop into a healthy individual with strong and clear identity.

Narcissistic rage
Their rage is based on fear. Anything that is threatening to expose their inner feelings of unworthiness needs to be destroyed. “My mom just flipped out when I said I am getting tired of pretending in front of my relatives that I am still studying to be a doctor. She started hitting me and screaming unclear sentences. I didn’t dare to tell my relatives the truth after that.”

Everything is about them
Narcissistic parent take all of the air in the room. Their profound need for attention and praise subverts everyone else’s needs. They turn others to be their listener. They don’t notice their boredom, exhaustion and desire to speak too. They love to show others how “special” they are (grandiosity). They enjoy publically parading what they consider their superior dispositions, be it material possessions, physical appearance, projects and accomplishments, background and membership, contacts in high places, and/or trophy spouse and offspring. They go out of their way to seek ego-boosting attention and flattery.

  • “My mother creates odd occasions at which she can be the center of attention, such as memorials for someone close to her who died long ago, or major celebrations of small personal milestones. She loves to entertain so she can be the life of her own party.”
  • “At the dinner table me, my sisters and my father were talking. My mother suddenly slipped from her chair and collapsed onto the floor, apparently unconscious. Shocked and concerned, we rushed to her side and picked up the phone to call 911, at which time she regained consciousness. The same scenario played out a few more times at the dinner table. If the conversation shifted away from her she would dramatically drop to the floor. We started to ignore her and talked over it. She continued to fall sometimes. She’d lie there for a bit and then pretend to wake up in confusion.”

Maintaining the appearances
They like to present a perfect family image to outsiders. They go to great lengths to ensure that others perceived your family as a loving, successful and enviable. Children are normally aware of this play, but kept silent for fear of wrath from their parent.

  • “I’m in therapy to deal with the effects of being raised by a narcissistic parent. I didn’t even realize until I was pretty well into adulthood that’s what it was. I thought it was me. I thought something was wrong with me. Everyone loves my mom. Everyone talks about how amazing she is, how charming, how much she sacrifices for her family, so I figured that if I was miserable at home it certainly couldn’t have been because of her. The truth is, everyone thinks so highly of her because she has carefully crafted that image and manipulated and lied to maintain it. She has used other people to make herself look better, and hurt others in the process. That’s the truth.”
  • “The thing about narcissists that is the absolute worst is that no one else knows what’s going on. They have fooled everyone else because they are master manipulators. Everyone else in my family and extended peer group thinks my mother is this amazing, strong, dedicated woman who has raised two severely challenging children. What’s funny is, as much as I can’t stand my brother, we are a lot alike and have suffered a lot of the same traumas at the hands of my mother. We are both incredibly sensitive souls who have been abused and luckily, I found my way out of it. I moved 3000 miles away from her. My brother was not so fortunate, and depends on her to survive.”
  • She cares excessively about what people think. “What will the neighbors think”, is a sentence that I’ve heard countless times. If you actually have a genuine problem, don’t expect her to care about you, but about how it will appear to others. Keeping up appearances is key, regardless of whether you’re suffering or not.”

Everything is personal
Narcissistic parents take their children’s every feeling or action personally. These parents are easily angered when a child doesn’t agree with them or mirror them. They expect the child to be happy when she is and miserable when she is. If the child is happy when the parent is sad, it is taken as a sign of disloyalty and insensitivity. They are so sensitive to praise and admiration as fuel that it makes them overly sensitive to criticism. So children learn to tiptoe around these emotional minefields, trying not to trigger that anger, or worse, have their parents withdraw love. The child of narcissist parent is never seen as he truly is. Of course, there are moments when child objects to his parent, but even then he feels bad, wrong, and confused.

  • She also makes up ridiculous lies about trivial mistakes. Just to give one example: she once repaired a shirt, but put the button on the wrong side. I pointed this out to her — I wasn’t angry or anything, I thought it was funny, and she made up absolutely silly excuses like: “it just shot through”. She can never do something wrong and thus she will never apologize. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her say “sorry”.

Marginalization
Some narcissistic parents are threatened by their child’s potential, promise, and success, as they challenge the parent’s self-esteem. Consequently, they might make a concerted effort to put the child down, so the parent remains superior. They are nit-picking their child, they are judgmental and critical towards him, they constantly compare him to someone better and reject his success and accomplishments. Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent would jump in and shift the attention to themselves. “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.”

  • “When I got married a few years later, she told me that my wedding was “not for the bride, but actually for her mother”. I made her my Matron of Honor and chose her favorite color for the bridesmaid’s dresses. She bought a dress the same color as mine.”

Grandiosity and Superiority
Many narcissistic parents have a falsely inflated self-image, with a conceited sense about who they are and what they do. Some children of narcissistic parents become the same: “We’re better than they are.” This sense of grandiose entitlement, however, is almost exclusively based on superficial, egotistical, and material trappings. They feel more important because of materialistic things or status they have in the society.

Dependency
Narcissistic person is strongly dependent on others. The dependency can be emotional, physical, or financial. They are trying to make you dependent on them (possessiveness, manipulation), so they can control you. One common tactic to do that is to infantilize you. This can be as direct as making you feel incompetent every time you try something new, or it can be as subtle as always stepping in and offering to do something you can clearly do for themselves. Unfortunately, this behavior rarely stops even after you become an adult. In fact, it can sometimes become worse as the narcissistic parent fears their children’s growing independence and the end of their narcissistic supply.
On the other hand some parents expect their children to take care of them for the rest of their lives.

  • “My mom expects me to support her financially on an on-going basis. She says that she can’t live without me.
  • “Walking into my office, (I managed the number 3 top Allstate office out of 900 agents) not respecting my employees and still undermining me on how I need to go back to school and finish my degree or I will never make it in life. She homeschooled me and deliberately kept me from finishing school in order to keep me locked in her web of abuse. She took me out of school when I was 11 because she was about to have another baby and “homeschooling was a great option!” She had me working two full-time jobs at 16 and I barely had a 9th grade education when I ran away at 17.”
  • “I grew up a text book co-dependent, always looking outside of myself for validation. Since I was solely focused on my mother, I did not develop my own identity – it was given to me by her. My identity was based on my role. I had an “underdeveloped self esteem (no boundaries) combined with an inappropriate caring for others (invading a boundary), and an inappropriate reliance on another’s response (invading a boundary), in a negatively reinforcing loop.”

Humiliation
Narcissistic parent berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. She often latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you. “My mom made fun of my birth mark on my face all the time.” Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She’ll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you’ve also done. The contrast is left up to you. She’ll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person’s side even if she doesn’t know them at all. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or the way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. Being constantly put down or told that you are in a wrong rubs off on you and lowers your self-esteem.

  • “When I was getting more independent 16+ according to my mum all my friends were bad influences, my boyfriend was horrible, my choices of clothing was also too grandma for my age. When I started working she needed a wanted a contract phone so I got one for her. She ran up the bill which I had to pay for over £400.”

Golden child doesn’t shine so bright
Narcissistic parent often choose the favorite child or so called golden child. A golden child can’t do anything wrong, is the smartest and the best at everything they do. This is what the narcissistic parent believes and will enforce in their child. The other child (scapegoat) is seen as the black sheep, and the cause of all issues. Everything the scapegoat does is wrong, not as good as it should be, and they always have to take the blame. The scapegoat stands for everything that is not perfect in the family. The roles of golden child and scapegoat can also switch frequently. Consequently all communication between siblings is superficial and driven by duty, or they may never talk to each other at all.
The narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her children’s’ relationships. While she may never praise you to your face, she will do that in front of your siblings. The end result is a family in which almost all communication goes through the narcissistic mother. Golden child can become narcissist himself but not necessarily. They can see the favoritism and feel guilty for it.

  • “It didn’t make any sense, my brothers were wonderful humans. They are much more talented than I am. I had very strong feelings of guilt. I watched the people I loved receive the rage. I felt like I should have been able to fix things. My mother would tell me to go to my room and be very, very quiet while she was taking her frustration out on them.”
  • “My brother was and is the Golden Child. He could do no wrong, he was the perfect baby, the perfect child, and when he wrecked 3 cars in a row while in High School, none of those accidents were his fault. I, on the other hand, was a disappointment. I “cried all the time when I was a baby”, my mother had to cut her college education short because I “cried at the daycare that she put me in”, I was “always losing things”, and she couldn’t have a pet “because the cat scratched me.”
  • “He was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and given two years to live. He has been depressed about this, but not for the reasons you might think. When he cried the most was when he was telling me how sad he was that he wasn’t going to be around for my sister, as she didn’t have a boyfriend yet and she needed to be trained on how to be attractive to other men. He then went on to blame me for not teaching her how to get a boyfriend as I’m her older sister. He especially put me down for not convincing her to get plastic surgery for her face.”

In case you want to deepen your understanding of your relationship with your parents, please take a look at my online workshop “Mending our childhood wounds and patterns” HERE.

This workshop will help you with understanding the patterns, roles and attachment you are having in your family dynamic and will shine the light on your behaviors and wounds you are carrying with you. It will also teach you how to deal with your emotions that will evoke through this self-discovery.

OVERLOOKED SYMPTOMS OF ANXIETY

Dec28

There is a lot written about anxiety and its symptoms. In my work, I notice few more indicators or symptoms that occurred often together with the anxiety. I decided to list them below. It doesn’t mean that you will have all the symptoms but it can help knowing that it’s not so uncommon to experience the following:

»I will die, go crazy or have heart attack« this is an obsessive thought that is common with anxiety. With time you will realize that nothing serious will happen while having panic attack but this thoughts will still pop up in your head. It is hard to get rid of them. It is very common that you have more than one intrusive thought. For example, »Will I have panic attack again?” or “How will I come through the day?” or “I am not strong enough«. Even if you proved yourself other vice time and time again you will still have this thoughts that comes to your mind.

»Pain«
Unusual or long persistent pain can cause fear that something is seriously wrong in people with anxiety.

“Unknown food or medication”
Thoughts that something bad will happened when we swallow unknown medication or eat new food are common.

“Sport”
Sensation when heart beads faster during sport can resemble panic attack. Which can begin real panic attack. Consequently many people with anxiety may avoid Sport.

“Swallowing”
In my work I have notice that ¼ of people with anxiety have fear of swallowing. Usually they have previous experiences with asthma or their throat becomes dry and tightens during panic attack.

“No escape”
Fear that you can’t escape form situation, feelings or place can cause enormous distress and anxiety.

“Smell, sight or sound sensitivity”
During panic attack many people have very sensitive sight, hearing or smell. It can even deepen their unpleasant feelings while experiencing the attack.

“Vivid imagination”
Persistent negative thoughts connected to us or significant other. For example, we are crossing the road and we imagine how we will get hit by the car. Imagination can get very detailed. I also notice that people with vivid imagination often report to me about fear of the dark.

HOW TO TRUST YOUR BODY AFTER (PSYCHOLOGICAL) ILLNESS

Dec27

In this article I want to write what I experienced through my own personal story and as well through the stories of my clients. The loss of trust in your own body. I want to point out two ways that I notice this can happen. The first one is the loss of trust after psychological disorder, mainly anxiety, because anxiety usually hits our body first. Meaning, we all the sudden feel like we are going to die. I believe all individuals with panic attacks were at some point 100% convinced that there is something wrong with their body functions. After a while they learned that they suffer from anxiety. But also having depression or other mental illness for a longer period of time can easily makes you feel that your body (brain) is broken.
The second way is losing your trust after physical illness such as cancer or different chronic illnesses. I also notice that people with anxiety mostly weren’t in touch with their bodies before anxiety happened. They learned to feel their body through therapy. But in case of physical illness this is not always the case. Never the less in both cases it feels like a huge betrayal from our own body.

How much control do we really have?
I often get the feeling that society in which I am believes that if you suffer from mental or physical illness the reason for it lies in you. For example “because you smoked you got the lung cancer”-which can be true. But reasoning like “because you work too much you got a cancer, because you weren’t vegetarian you got a heart attack” are a little too farfetched. There is always some room for improvement considering our life style. Not just in eating healthy and exercising but also in connecting to our bodies, understanding them, give them space and time to relax and heal. A lot of pressure is put to our bodies from toxins, stress, and unhealthy life style. For sure. But this is not the only reason why some diseases occur.
“Personally I knew what my body was capable of. I was the picture of perfect health and fitness and the most severe illness I ever had was the flu. I had never broken a bone or had stitches and found myself proud of that. Then, on December 27th, 2004 everything changed. I was 24 years old and I was just told that I had a precancerous polyp in my colon and had to have surgery to remove it. What? Surgery? A colon polyp? My mind was a jumbled mess of confusion. But I did EVERYTHING right AND I was only 24 years old. Isn’t colon cancer something old people get? It shouldn’t have come as such a huge shock being that my older brother was just over a year in remission for colon cancer, diagnosed at the age of 26 but it was happening to me and it was. A shock that is. “
To conclude, sure we can do a lot for our health. And of course we can get sick because we are not taking care of ourselves. That is a positive thing, because we can actually do something about it. But to believe that everything what is happening to us is somehow our fault is to extreme. Maybe we would like to believe that we have so much control but unfortunately we don’t. And probably realization we don’t have total control awakes feelings of fear and distrust in our body after illness.

Where is my old body and old self?
Whenever you are faced with illness or an injury you are also faced with change and change is hard to accept and deal with. “I once felt so strong, so invisible and now I was left feeling like a stranger in my own body. My body was different. Now I barred a scar about 6 inches from my belly button to the top of my public bone, I had a bag connected to my stomach (that I had to go to the bathroom in) and I could barely walk a quarter of a mile without feeling tired.”
It is really hard not just to adjust to our new physical appearance but also to the feelings connected with the change. Sometimes we deal with it by forcing our body to behave the way it was before. “So, I got militant, mean, and aggressive to make sure that these crazy things didn’t happen again. I tried to shame, criticize, and force my body to be something different so I could finally be back to where I was before illness!”
It is completely normal to miss our old self and our old abilities. It is normal to envy other people that still have them. The illness changes your perspective on life and brings a lot of fear-fear of dying, fear of repetition, fear of not being able to live normally, fear to never feel good again, fear of how I am going to make it, fear of taking your own life. You can feel on your own skin what it means to be unhealthy. What a tremendous change it is. A lot of people need to redefine their lives on many areas and this is not easy at all and we can’t always be in peace with our new normal. That is the reality of the situation. Sometimes the lost is so big that we are never completely fine with it.    

The trust is lost
When we are surprised by illness or psychological condition the trust is broke. More so if we live a healthy life style. It feels like it caught us by surprised. Why me? I am doing everything right. “Your cancer was probably discovered when you thought you were healthy. It’s frightening to realize that you had a life-threatening disease without even feeling ill – and it is natural that you now notice every ache and pain and worry you won’t spot the signs of cancer coming back. And treatment has changed your body, so you are also experiencing a new set of strange and unfamiliar sensations.”
I’m a fitness instructor and had exercised all the way through – I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I eat healthy. I felt angry and betrayed by my body. I thought: how dare you! I’ve looked after you so well and now you’ve done this to me again. First time round I had counselling, but strangely it’s easier this time because I know what to do and how to look after myself.’
“I don’t trust my body after my cancers. No way. First I was betrayed by breast cancer and then by melanoma on the opposite side of my body. We worry about cancer coming again, and we wait hopefully for solutions—sooner, rather than later. We all want to get along with our bodies, or at least call a truce.”
“With my experience of illness came a lack of trust in its ability to heal and stay healthy. I lost all trust that it was able to do its job.”
I choose this examples because you can literally feel it how deep the betray feels and how unsure we are after experiencing mental or physical illness.

Learning to trust again
To heal your relationship with your body, you must reclaim body trust. Unfortunately for many the trust was lost way before illness. Or better said the connection was broken through well meaning parents, the medical establishment, a toxic culture, trauma, and dieting behaviors which make us less trusting of our bodies as we age. We end up turning away from our bodies. You can try to make better relationship with your body through different ways. Not all at once of course.

  • I cannot stress enough that it takes a lot of time for learning a new way of existing within your body. You really need time to heal and time to adjust. It is very common that you push your body too hard to soon. “I slowly gain my strength back. I rushed back to the gym only to find myself with a hernia and back in the hospital.” It is very hard not to rush back into your old ways of existing. On the other hand it is also very hard to accept if time doesn’t help and you are not able to go back to normal. “Fitness was my life. I opened a gym and was working out and teaching classes all the time. Then I got a heart condition. At first it looked that the operation will solve everything and I will be back to normal very soon. It didn’t turn out that way. I am struggling to find any meaning in life. What will I do if not fitness? I feel mad, betrayed and lost.”
  • We normally focus on what we aren’t able to do anymore. How many times I hear in my office: “Before panic attacks started, I was able to drive without a problem or I was active and running around the city all day long. Now I am afraid to go to the grocery store.” If the things doesn’t fall back to normal in decent amount of time we feel frustrated. And I agree, we need to grieve our old life as well as we can focus on what our body is able to do despite the difficulties. Something so “little” like we are able to walk or we are able to come to therapy despite anxiety counts.
  • Although I don’t believe everything is preventable with a healthy life style many of illnesses and psychological disorders get better with healthy, organic eating, moderate exercise and self-care (bath, good book). “Many of us, as cancer survivors, vow to take better care of our bodies after cancer treatment, and data does show that this helps lower the risk of recurrence. I work on healthier eating and physical movement. Fear was a great short-term motivator, and I was extremely fearful. After active cancer treatment ended, though, fear was not a good long-term motivator for me. My psychotherapist says fear is not a good long-term motivator for most people. It isn’t sustainable.” Fear shouldn’t be our only motivation we need to realize that it will be quite a bit of work to maintain healthy life style and falling off the rails is something that is expected.
  • Learning to listen to your body. Our body is sending us signs all the time. Mostly we ignore them because “we can’t rest now, we can’t eat now, we can’t bread now because there is stuff to do.” I love to give my clients one exercise that drill us to listen to your body more: Before you eat ask yourself how hungry you are from 0-10. After eating ask yourself again how hungry you are form 0-10. This is one example how we can start. With asking our body: “Hi, how are you, tell me what you are saying.” I suggest that you checking in regularly, acknowledging what is needed, and acting accordingly. “I was still disconnected from my body. Sure, I was eating at regular intervals throughout the day, but it still had very little to do with my actual appetite cues. It was more of a prescribed regimen for eating. Thus, I ate pretty much the same thing every day because I knew how it would make me feel, and I trusted that it was the “right” amount for my body to maintain its current weight. It was also hard when I had a food craving for something out of the norm.” The body sends us signals about its internal state. “All the discomfort and discombobulated symptoms I felt during my descent into depression and anxiety were by no means my fault but they did give me clues to what I needed in order to start healing”. This clues are not the same every day. We cannot put our body to regime-this is just another form of not listening to what it is saying. Our body will tell us what and how much of it is needed.
  • I believe there is nothing wrong to go to the doctor and check if your fears (something is wrong with my body) are real. It is ok to go and check for calming your mind. It is a part of healing process and trust me with time, work on yourself and positive experiences the checkups will be less frequent. “When I am afraid of my body, I try to get reacquainted with it. I hug myself and tell myself it will be OK. When something concerns me, I allow that it is OK and rational to go see the doctor right away, especially given my history as a cancer survivor. There is no point in letting worry eat away at me. On the days that I don’t like my body, I focus on something else or face up to everything that happened and honor my scars with massage and lotion. I try to make peace with my body. It is an ongoing process for me.”
  • Touch is very important. And a very good way to connect with your body. Your touch and touch of others. “I schedule regular massages and other self-care activities such as Epsom salt baths, facials and manicures.”
  • Sharing your experience has tremendous power in healing process. You can speak about your experience in therapy, with friends and family or take it the step further and speak in public or teach others about what you are going through.
  • Build trust by engaging your body in mental conversations about your desire for the two of you to cooperate and overcome the ailment. You can lay down comfortably and close your eyes. Imagine your body laying down. Start talking to your body in your mind and imagine what your body would answer. Listen to it and ask questions. Tell him how you are feeling and why you are hurt by it. Tell him also what you love about it. Mental conversation should be a regular thing between you two. It is like maintaining a friendship.
  • Find a balance between fighting for recovery and quality of Life. Managing your symptoms and working on your recovery can be a full-time job which leaves little room for anything else. Without joyful moments it’s harder to cope with hardship and to stay motivated during the long process of setbacks and recovery. Try to nourish your soul and take the “time off” from your recovery. I am not advising to go off the diet, exercise plan, medication etc. just a couple of hours or days to refresh yourself. Take a trip, go to sauna, have a tea with a friend, help in animal shelter, make art etc.
  • Practice self-compassion which involves being kind to yourself and recognizing that you’re not alone in your suffering can reduce self-blame. One way to cultivate self-compassion is to treat yourself the way you’d treat a friend going through a similar situation.
  • You decide what makes your body comfortable and give your body positive experiences again. It is like you re-teach your body through pleasant sensory information. This often involves being intentional about where you take your body and what you expose it to. “I often met up with a trusted girlfriend as I recovered from the hardest stretch of my twenties, and we’d just go get a cup of herbal tea at the local Coffee Bean. With the familiar ambiance, the soothing beverage, and my dear friend’s company, I felt safe and cared for while also technically being “out and about”.”

Healing
Healing is a process, not an event. Regaining trust when it has been lost takes time and is not all that different from how we rebuild trust in any other relationship.
One thing that is very important is to realize that it is normal to feel anxious when you are not 100% if illness, cancer, asthma or anxiety will resurface. It is normal to fear the unknown. Most people get uncomfortable when they don’t know what to expect. To make your fear of unknown milder you can “prepare” yourself for it. I don’t have doomsday preppers in mind but just gathering valid information, write down in diary what you will do in case certain event happens again. Also there is a good visualization exercise that you can practice. Visualize your body in the unknown, fearful circumstances and imagine how your body is getting more and more relax.
It is important to realize that fear will come back. Yes, you can move forward and heal from the experience but that doesn’t mean that this didn’t happened. Especially in the first few years you will be triggered by news, similar stories around you and your body sensations. “Anticipating a check-up, or the news that someone you know has been diagnosed, had a recurrence or died, can bring it all back. As time passes, there are days when it goes out of your mind, but the milestones are hard.” “Fran was approaching her five-year anniversary when she found another lump. It took me straight back to a really dark place. Thankfully it was fine, but it made me realize how vulnerable I feel.”
In my practice I notice that when our outlook to circumstances starts to change two “parts of us” emerge. One is “old part”-the anxious one, the one with intrusive thoughts, have a lot of fear and distrust, doubt that things will ever change. And the “new part”-encouraging one, one that sees change and is more optimistic, the one who believes that there is a light in the end of the tunnel. With therapy, persistence or regular practice the “old part” becomes weaker. Consequently even when the fall back occurs the new part helps you to go out of anxious feelings much quicker which makes your trust in you and your body even stronger. “I’ve done a lot of soul searching, had a lot of therapy, and done a lot of work on myself over the years and I’ve made immense progress. But I have come to realize that the roots of self-doubt and insecurity are planted deep and they don’t die easily. I don’t always know what wakes those sleeping roots up, but inevitably, every now and then, they awaken. And I struggle again. I start to feel unsafe again. The ground begins to feel unsteady and I lose trust in myself again. “
When people talk about recovery from illness, they usually refer to being fully healed and getting back to normal life. But in reality, regaining your former health and resuming your activities isn’t always possible. Some suffer from health problems that cannot be cured. Recovery is not all or nothing deal. You decide what recovery means to you in a sense of realistic expectations. One thing I am sure of: working on your trust will make things better even if the trust will never be fully regained.